Blue Sun Room FICTION - ADVENTURE
Broke
Monday, October 10, 2005
Script for a...well, extremely long episode taking place two or so weeks after the end of the movie. More than a few things need fixin' when Serenity's parked, broken, on Persephone. Pathos! Humor! Action! New Moons! Kissin'! Jayne gets naked in public!
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 3383 RATING: 9.0 (PG13) SERIES: FIREFLY
Note: I've never embraced my fanhood this thoroughly before...it's kinda exciting! Anyone who is willing to actually sit through the whole of this thing will be revered; anyone who actually posts a comment will be worshipped and glorified. Serenity for life.
Broke:
Script for a Firefly episode, taking place about two weeks after the end of the Serenity movie
Scene 1:
Simon and Kaylee are lying in Kaylee’s little nook in the engine room together, sort of post- post-coital. Kaylee smiles up at Simon, who’s staring at the ceiling.
Kaylee: What’cha thinkin’?
Simon: (looking down at her) Nothing. I just…I’ve never really had a girlfriend before… (adding hurriedly) If, that is, you are my—
Kaylee gives him an incredulous glance; he smiles at himself and subsides.
Kaylee: Really? Like, never never?
Simon: I, ah, had a wave-friend on Pushkin when I was twelve, but we never met exactly face-to-face.
Kaylee: Was she pretty?
Simon: Well… (he half-smiles, reminiscent) she…ah… (he looks down at Kaylee, who’s giving him a meaningful sort of glance.) Not as pretty as you? (he inflects it slightly as a question.)
Kaylee grins and pats him on the chest.
Kaylee: I think you’re getting the hang of this relationship thing.
Simon: I’m trying. (She’s slightly displeased by his answer; he steps in quickly to fill in the conversational gap.) And you? Who was your first boyfriend?
Kaylee: (teasing) My first? I think it was Toben from next door. He was four and I was three. I dumped his ass but good when he wouldn’t let me play with his model Tessla 60’s, though. He had at least ten of ‘em, wouldn’t let me touch a one. Said machines was for boys.
Simon: I guess you two weren’t soulmates, exactly.
Kaylee: I guess it’s how he was raised. Poor kid.
Simon starts to smile, then a troubled look crosses his face. Kaylee’s off on her own train of thought and so misses the change.
Kaylee: It feels peculiar, don’t it, having nothing to do all day? I could get use
Comments
ANONYMOUS
Monday, 10 October 2005 18:47
LOVE!
Reads exactly like a the show! Snarky and sad and funny and suspenseful... and a whole "episode" of it!! Excellent!
Zoe at the end... God, it breaks my heart, the way you are letting her succumb to the pain. And Mal there, holding her just like they've always been there for each other.
That Mal/Inara un-conversation wass pure genius, and Simon's "I'm in shock!"... LOL!
I was very entertained. Any chance of a continuation?
Reads exactly like a the show! Snarky and sad and funny and suspenseful... and a whole "episode" of it!! Excellent!
Zoe at the end... God, it breaks my heart, the way you are letting her succumb to the pain. And Mal there, holding her just like they've always been there for each other.
That Mal/Inara un-conversation wass pure genius, and Simon's "I'm in shock!"... LOL!
I was very entertained. Any chance of a continuation?
Monday, 10 October 2005 19:11
Not a big fan of stories written in script format. But I liked your story, my only critic is I think you should have been a bit more descriptive at times.
ANONYMOUS
Monday, 10 October 2005 20:27
I thought it was great; read just like an episode. Also not keen on script format, but I thought it was really good, and you captured the voices as well as any of the writers did. Great job, let's see more! :)
Diz, too lazy to sign in.
Diz, too lazy to sign in.
Monday, 10 October 2005 20:30
Loved this though I am all full of deep suspicion over Badger's timing of the so-called 'job' he has for them. Really fell about laughing at the scene of Jayne doing an enthusiastic strip tease while Simon is pretty near dying of horror and embarrassment. When Sung catches Mal and cuffs him I loved his line that it was just funny, typical Mal comment. And Saffron getting her comeuppance was good but Zoe at the end was heart breaking. So glad she let Mal comfort her, maybe all the broken pieces can somehow be held together. That's what families do. Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me
You can't take the sky from me
ANONYMOUS
Monday, 10 October 2005 22:03
You captured their characters, dialogue, even the Joss Whedon pace, so perfectly. Are you sure you're not Joss?
ANONYMOUS
Monday, 10 October 2005 23:22
Thanks for making so I couldn't leave my desk for ANY REASON WHATSOEVER until I finished reading.
-WildHeavenFarm
-WildHeavenFarm
ANONYMOUS
Tuesday, 11 October 2005 02:16
ok, i think it was very in cannon, but i also think you over exagerated the aints and stuff like that. also you writting is a little constrained by the way you talk as if its a move, you should try to write it more like a play or a book.
Thanks for writting,
Jay
Thanks for writting,
Jay
Tuesday, 11 October 2005 04:11
"Inara: Try not to be killed.
Mal: I live to…not be killed."
I started reading because it said it was a sequel to Serenity. I almost stopped reading because it's in script format. I continued reading because it is gorram fabulous and speaks like Joss and Mal and 'Nara and Jayne and Simon and Kaylee and...poor broken can't be fixed Zoe. Don't change a thing, no matter what Jay Anon says. It's shiny and good and it done went and broke my heart. Ain't nothin' better than that.
-Roving Eye
Mal: I live to…not be killed."
I started reading because it said it was a sequel to Serenity. I almost stopped reading because it's in script format. I continued reading because it is gorram fabulous and speaks like Joss and Mal and 'Nara and Jayne and Simon and Kaylee and...poor broken can't be fixed Zoe. Don't change a thing, no matter what Jay Anon says. It's shiny and good and it done went and broke my heart. Ain't nothin' better than that.
-Roving Eye
Tuesday, 11 October 2005 06:37
This is fantastic, I love it! You've really nailed their voices, and the interaction between characters is priceless. I'm hoping there will be more scripts from you?
TIMBOLECTABLE
Tuesday, 11 October 2005 19:42
Thanks so much...I've read your guys's comments twice by now, and probably will read 'em twice more. Thanks also for the usefulness of the criticisms, and for caring enough to sit through it. Also I ought to apologize: my friend pointed out that saying Jayne gets naked is somewhat false advertising, so please do excuse my cheap ploy of using sex for fame etc. Another apology involves the script format--I personally have never been successful at making characters I've seen (or, as an embarrassing sort of confession to make, acted out) sound like themselves in prose writing (though this site makes it obvious that it can be done, excellently, by others), so went with a script. I can definitely work on being more descriptive, though. Also (not to be too exhaustive here), good point about the Badger thing. I was trying to make it seem as though Zoe knew she was walking into a trap, cuz she's a bit on the self-destructive side in her emotional state...but they say if you have to explain it you didn't do it right. So thanks a lot for the feedback.
And finally, no, I am not at all Joss but DEAR GOD THANKS FOR ASKIN'!
And finally, no, I am not at all Joss but DEAR GOD THANKS FOR ASKIN'!
ANONYMOUS
Wednesday, 12 October 2005 07:59
WOW 'i'm in shock" I loved it great job! OMG OMG OMG please write the next episode! Please!!! i love it i love the almost shyness between mall and inara, i had been beating my brains out thinking up on how that could be done you know? cause i mane i loved it in the movie the brief chat during her WAVE, the way they looked so young and in love like teenagers. not like the jaded adults that they tend look like. And Zoe i love how you did that, how you showed her not yet done mourning her loss and how she did not know a way of dealing with it. Some people take to 'cutting' but zoe she is strong so she would not look to something that looked so weak. she would want to die but i guess a soldier would want to die fighting not just 'giving' up. So yeah i know she was not thinking strait, and i like that in the end she just let it all out, and that mal was there for her. Ok well i will shut up know since i am rambling... just please write more, and if you do E-mail me to let me know please!
- JaneDoe1880@aol.com
- JaneDoe1880@aol.com
ANONYMOUS
Wednesday, 12 October 2005 08:01
OH yeah i forgot to rate it! sorry
- JaneDoe
- JaneDoe
AEON
Saturday, 15 October 2005 00:04
That was amazing. I would love to have seen that as an episode. Very good job!
Saturday, 22 October 2005 01:27
Not a big fan of script format wither, but this was great. I loved the scene where Jayne was stripping! That was too funny! You really captured the charachters and the end was just...well, it was perfect.
ANONYMOUS
Sunday, 23 October 2005 07:57
That was so freaken good man.......... God that would have been awsome......
ANONYMOUS
Monday, 24 October 2005 18:36
I got the Zoe/Badger trap thing right off. Don't change a thing.
Everything is perfect. Loved the Inara/Mal kissing scene. Maybe didn't like the "teeth-cleaning" comment so much. (Okay, change one thing.)
This is the second script format I've read. The first was the Serenity script. I kinda like this format. Like watching an episode, but you get to fill in the backgrounds and characters yourself.
Don't sell yourself short for not writing in story style. I think this style takes its own form of talent.
Please, please write more.
Everything is perfect. Loved the Inara/Mal kissing scene. Maybe didn't like the "teeth-cleaning" comment so much. (Okay, change one thing.)
This is the second script format I've read. The first was the Serenity script. I kinda like this format. Like watching an episode, but you get to fill in the backgrounds and characters yourself.
Don't sell yourself short for not writing in story style. I think this style takes its own form of talent.
Please, please write more.
ANONYMOUS
Monday, 24 October 2005 18:48
Are you Tim Minear?
ANONYMOUS
Monday, 24 October 2005 21:27
<i>Mal: I ain’t saying I don’t appreciate the offer, Inara, nor that if circumstances get diresome enough I won’t take you up on it, but you’ve got your own expenses. Temple back on [insert name of autumnal-temple-planet from the Serenity movie here]’s holding you financially responsible for that symbol of religiosity you blowed up in order to keep my skin in one fleshy piece—(she wants to interrupt; he talks over her) the which I do thank you for. Took all kinds of fast thinkin’, but then I’d expected no less. Which when you think on it is practically a compliment. <i/>
This piece of dialogue is a masterpiece. Diresome... damn that's a good word.
And the "lost in the woods" thing...sigh...I love them lost in the woods.
I hope you are working on the next script, cause I am in diresome need for some more of this kind of writing.
This piece of dialogue is a masterpiece. Diresome... damn that's a good word.
And the "lost in the woods" thing...sigh...I love them lost in the woods.
I hope you are working on the next script, cause I am in diresome need for some more of this kind of writing.
ANONYMOUS
Tuesday, 25 October 2005 11:22
LMAO!
Excellent work. I, too, am not fond of script format, but this was an easy read. The voices were bang-on and the dialogue had me laughing in tears at points. That exchange between Inara and Mal at the end--Priceless!
And I am so glad that SOMEONE gave us a stripped-down Jayne since we already had Nekkidbutt!Mal, BDM!Mal's nekkid torso and two Simon torsos.
I have been feeling mighty gyped by Joss with the LACK of Nekkid!Jayne. Ain't like Adam won't do it (If in doubt, please see: "Starquest II", "Cold Sweat", and "Trade Off". Oh gawd "Trade Off"...I'll be in my bunk!)
Excellent work. I, too, am not fond of script format, but this was an easy read. The voices were bang-on and the dialogue had me laughing in tears at points. That exchange between Inara and Mal at the end--Priceless!
And I am so glad that SOMEONE gave us a stripped-down Jayne since we already had Nekkidbutt!Mal, BDM!Mal's nekkid torso and two Simon torsos.
I have been feeling mighty gyped by Joss with the LACK of Nekkid!Jayne. Ain't like Adam won't do it (If in doubt, please see: "Starquest II", "Cold Sweat", and "Trade Off". Oh gawd "Trade Off"...I'll be in my bunk!)
Tuesday, 25 October 2005 11:24
Crap, that was me above...Forgot to sign in!
Oh well, just means I got to vote twice!
Oh well, just means I got to vote twice!
ANONYMOUS
Tuesday, 25 October 2005 12:06
More episodes, please.
Sunday, 30 October 2005 04:27
Nice job. I loved it all. Especially Jayne & Simon on stage at a strip club. My brain is very much in a happy place from that. ;-)
Please write more.
Please write more.
Tuesday, 01 November 2005 13:54
Just wondering if you are writing anything new? ::prod:: I really enjoyed this story, and I did get the "Zoe thing" so you did your job.
I can't believe all the great writing on this site. I usually just read children's and young adult books, so this is a real departure for me; but it's been an excellent ride.
Please keep writing. You are keeping the Serenity universe open for me.
I can't believe all the great writing on this site. I usually just read children's and young adult books, so this is a real departure for me; but it's been an excellent ride.
Please keep writing. You are keeping the Serenity universe open for me.
ANONYMOUS
Saturday, 10 December 2005 15:54
very good story.
please take out the little notes from author to reader though, they distract a lot.
please take out the little notes from author to reader though, they distract a lot.
Sunday, 11 December 2005 11:47
I LOVED THIS! The whole script read completely true to 'Verse-life.
Don't worry about the author notes being distracting, if you've ever read any of his actual scripts, you'd notice that Joss does the exact same thing. ;P
Are you going for a full 22-ep series here? 'Cause I'm in for the long haul.
Don't worry about the author notes being distracting, if you've ever read any of his actual scripts, you'd notice that Joss does the exact same thing. ;P
Are you going for a full 22-ep series here? 'Cause I'm in for the long haul.
Wednesday, 14 December 2005 01:23
Just a quick question. Who got better tips; Jayne or Simon?
TIMBOLECTABLE
Wednesday, 14 December 2005 04:11
that would be telling *slightly sickeningly coy wink*
LINX
Friday, 30 December 2005 04:56
*Applauds furiously! That was FUN. I must say that this was so refreshing...I feel like I've just watched another episode of Firefly! I laughed out loud multiple times. Some of my favorite lines were: I lived to…not be killed. Fan of waistcoats, also torture? I want to buy smut. So…that was some move with the flipping and the unconsciousness. and the part where Mal tells Sung that it was just funny to Simon and Jayne do a 'spot of erotic dancing.' Are you writing any more? Are there already more? I must go and look! Awesome awesome job!
ANONYMOUS
Friday, 06 January 2006 05:48
Just found the site. Have to say, excellent work! I very much enjoyed it.
TERRASADISTA
Tuesday, 24 January 2006 00:44
This is excellent. I like how it is formatted as a script.... That tends to be harder to do than a narrative. Creative, but not overly so. You got the characters pretty good. Overal, I give it a 9.5. But since there is no 9.5, I guess I'll just have to round up. :)
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