Disclaimer: It’s not me, it’s the drugs.

Rating: PG-13, for adultish themes.

Comment: Five minute crack fic. This is what insomnia will do to you.

All I can say is: forgive me?

***

There was a distinct buzz over the dinner table that night, feverish whispering down one end of the table, coming from Kaylee and Simon who had their heads bowed together. Or, more precisely, the chatter was coming from Simon, Kaylee seemed like she was trying to hush him.

“Jayne.” Mal glared. “Did you take the damn diary or didn’t you?”

“I don’t have no diary, Mal.” Jayne nodded. “Don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.”

“It was you!” Simon glared over the table. “Who else would want to take my things?”

Jayne snorted.

“Why the hell you think I want your stuff?”

“I want it back.” Simon seethed.

“I ain’t got it.” Jayne happily supplied and began skewering his protein with his fork. “Maybe you should look in Inara’s shuttle. There’s all sortsa girlified stuff in there.”

“A diary isn’t ‘girlified’, you…”

“Oh, hey now.” Kaylee placed a hand on Simon’s arm to stop the inevitable insult. “No need for that. I’ll fix this once and for all.”

“You will, huh?” Jayne grinned.

“Jayne.” Kaylee looked him in the eye. “You bring the diary back within five minutes, I’ll show you a boob.”

“Done.” Jayne agreed instantly and stood up, practically running out of the room.

“Kaylee!” Simon cried out.

“Mei mei.” Mal sighed. “Is that necessary?”

“He likes Christmas when all the presents come at once.” River giggled. “But he doesn’t like coal.”

“Don’t you worry ‘bout me.” Kaylee replied calmly as she ate her food. “I can take care of myself.”

“Here.” A small book was thrown onto the table and then Jayne sat down, his face eager and his eyes open. “Now, Kaylee, you owe me somethin’.”

“Right you are.” She agreed, happily, and placed a small mirror in front of him. “There you go, one boob.”

“What?” He frowned at it for a second. “Aw, hey! That ain’t fair!”

“Told