The Losing Side, chapter 8
Sunday, January 8, 2006
The story of Mal's experiences after the war continues. Zoe makes her first substantial appearance in this chapter.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 3472 RATING: 10.0 (G) SERIES: FIREFLY
NOTE: If you have some catching up to do, you can find all previous chapters in one place at http://www.serenityverse.com/losingside1.php
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Mal's cell beeped open and he turned his head to inspect his visitor, eyes widening slightly as he registered the poised woman being ushered in. Zoe. She was looking good, he noticed with some gratification, recalling the exhausted figure covered in dirt, sweat, and dried blood from his last memories. The woman standing before him now radiated confidence and energy.
Oh dear God . Zoe concealed her shock at the sight of Mal's battered figure lying limply on the bunk, barely acknowledging her presence. "Mal?" she asked, dumbfounded at the hopelesness of his eyes and the empty expression on his face. She stared at him, wondering what on earth had transformed her irrepressible Sergeant. The memory of Mal being blown off his feet by the concussion of mortar fire, then staggering back to cover at her side with blood running down his forehead and a cheeky grin on his face clashed horribly with the sight of the man lying in front of her. She couldn't believe, didn't want to believe that he could have been hurt badly enough that this would be the result.
"Hey, Zoe. What occasions the the visit?" His voice was hollow, but gentle.
Zoe walked to the bunk and sat down next to Mal. He looked at her, but didn't move. "I hear you've been busy trying to get yourself dead," said Zoe. "Suicide watch, sir? Really?"
Mal smiled joylessly. "I never - I didn't....I never tried to kill myself, Zoe. Can't say as I see the point in bein' alive though."
Zoe took a deep breath. "That man, Lee. He tells me you saved the lives the lives of a lot of men a while back, that's gotta be worth something."
"He also tell you they broke damn near every bone in my body for trying? Or that they killed my mother and everyone I've ever called family? Why they've got me trapped in this god-forsaken box?"
The bitter tightness in
Tell me you're not done yet!
"I love my captain."
"Well, I'm sure the ass-end of the galaxy'll be fun too," she replied.
hehehe
This piece flowed very naturally and believably--the dialog had a natural progression to it, didn't feel like you were forcing it. The characters were believably done, as well. It was heart and gut-wrenching but beautiful at the same time. The sense of desolation and despair was right on target.
Favorite line: "thinking I might have to take back that bit about your all-knowing ability to to inspire, sir". Nice bits of lightness and sarcasm threaded throughout kept this from being too desolate. And I very much liked that you had Mal ask at the end if she was playing him. That was a very fine touch.
In the writing... POV, point-of-view, is the only area I'd say could use a look. The first paragraph is Mal's POV, then we immediately go into Zoe's. I think that first paragraph could be easily rewritten so it was Zoe's perspective--it would keep it clearer as to whose eyes we're experiencing this scene through. You stick with Zoe solidly throughout until toward the end when you switch into Mal's POV but also dip briefly here and there into Zoe's POV. Strictly staying in one or the other is generally stronger and clearer for the reader. The point where Mal sits up and takes control is the point where logically we switch from Zoe to Mal as the POV character of the scene.
Very well done! Very much looking forward to more.
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