Blue Sun Room FICTION - DRAMA

The Losing Side, chapter 5 v3.0

Saturday, November 26, 2005

While very much Mal's story, this is dedicated to the characters within it; our beloved Mal, Zoe, and Wash. It explores what happened after the defeat of the Browncoats, leading up to Mal's purchase of Serenity. In this chapter, we find out what happens to Mal when he wakes up.

CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 3717    RATING: 9.0 (PG)    SERIES: FIREFLY

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At long last, here's the latest chapter. Your input would be appreciated; this is pretty much exclusively a dialog piece, and since I'm inexperienced with fiction, dialog is the hardest for me to write. This version has been edited quite a bit since the first.

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Mal awoke to find himself lying on a couch in a quiet, warmly lit room. For a fleeting moment he thought himself home on Shadow, waking from a peaceful sleep. He spent several seconds trying to fit pieces together in his head, cringing internally as he recalled his last conscious hours. Interesting surprise, finding himself not dead.

Cautiously, he tried to move his body and quickly thought better of it as pain shot through every muscle he so much as thought about moving. The pain wasn't bad when he wasn't trying to do something stupid like breathing too deep; he figured by the way the room was swimming about that someone had done him the kindness of doping him up pretty good.

Mal's eyes roamed the room, taking in the simple, homey furnishings, the Alliance flag hanging from an old-fashioned brass pole, the box of medals mounted on the wall before coming to rest on the uniformed man tapping thoughtfully at a screen.

Noticing the attention, the man looked up and met Mal's eyes with a steady gaze. After a long moment, he spoke quietly. "Welcome back, son. I'm Matthew Lee. I'm more or less in charge of this place." Mal listened silently, unsure as to the man's intentions. "How you feeling?" asked Lee.

"Halfway human," Mal replied, pleased to find that his voice was obeying him again. "I got you to thank for that?"

Lee gave a slight smile. "I suppose," he said as he continued to study Mal with a calm inquisitiveness. Finally, he tapped again on the screen.

"I got a set of perfectly matched reports in front of me saying how you killed two of my men in cold blood, put another in the hospital. I don't take too kindly to that, and what I'm finding even

Comments
ANONYMOUS
Saturday, 26 November 2005 15:58
You did just fine with this chapter. It's entirely readable and believable. The only problems that caught my eye were: 1st paragraph "box of medals mounted ON the wall" and in the 11th paragraph "collectable" should be "collectible." Otherwise, shiny! Can't wait for the next installment.
Saturday, 26 November 2005 18:29
I liked this step beyond the stereotypical Alliance officer and am sure incidents not unlike this one have happened in every war that ever was. A good man is inherently a good man, no matter which side he fought on and this chapter shows that very nicely. Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me
Sunday, 27 November 2005 13:03
Edited a bit. What do you guys think of this latest version?
Sunday, 27 November 2005 16:24
I read it both before and after you edited--can't spot many particular differences, but it did seem smoother on v-2. The content of your dialog is good--your character voices and such--but it would be far easier to read if you separated each character's dialog into its own paragraph. Technically the paragraph structure you're using is correct in that each paragraph is a complete subject thought. Visually, however, having two different characters' dialog in a single paragraph is confusing; makes it very hard to figure out which is speaking. Readability and clarity suggest it's better to have only a single speaker in each paragraph. Don't shy away from "said" tags--they add clarity without clutter; are almost invisible to the reader.

You may consider me a 'fan' of your writing ;-). I like what you write and how you write it--this chapter included. You create a nice sense of feeling in a low key way. It's well done. I would have liked a touch more of Mal's POV description on how he felt physically throughtout the scene. From the descriptions of the beating in previous chapters, I suspect there'd be a lot more serious damage than cracked bones.

"doped to Kingdom Come" jumped out at me for some reason I can only half-define. 'Kingdom Come' to me suggests an ending--death--so it read as "doped to death" (to me--others may not get it that way). "doped to high heaven" seemed like the more natural phrase.

Very much looking forward to another chapter! Thanks for sharing your work.
Sunday, 27 November 2005 23:01
Thank you SO much for your thoughtful review! So very helpful! I'm gonna keep it firmly in mind when I do more editing tonight:)
Sunday, 04 December 2005 10:57
Edited again....I think I may finally be happy enough with this to move on to the next chapter. What do you guys think of this version?
Sunday, 04 December 2005 17:28
awesome job! I didn't realize there was a v3.0 until I started reading ch.6 and you started out with the doctor bits. If this is your first fanfic, I certainly hope that you choose to continue writing more! You have a keen sense of who your characters are. It is quite obvious that you can picture them in your mind down to the last detail. It is those details that can make or break a story, for me at least, and I have awaited each installment with baited breath.

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