The Need Part Five
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Post BDM. Rayne. Serenity's deadliest begin to connect after a long stint in the Black.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 2668 RATING: 8.0 (NC17) SERIES: FIREFLY
The Need Part Five
Author: J.J.
Subject: Rayne
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: The characters in this fic are not mine, they belong to the Power that is Joss and 20th Century Fox. I'm just borrowing them for fun.
Summary: Post BDM. Rayne. Serenity's deadliest begin to connect after a long stint in the Black.
Chapter 5-- Fighting That Feeling
Seeing a baby had profoundly lightened the mood of almost everyone on Serenity. Kaylee was nearly floating in the air every time Zoe let her hold little Walker. Simon saw the picture of what Kaylee would look like holding their own child. Mal and Inara was very proud and happy God parents. Everything from the child's first smile to his first yawn was a spectacle and it was driving Jayne nuts. On the plus side it was giving him plenty of time to sneak away with River, but that posed a series of other problems.
River confused his feelings, made him feel like some kind of teenager. He wanted her constantly and when they finished sexin he wanted her around him. Futures he had given up on the moment he left his dirt road town, seemed possible when she was with him and even though sometimes she talked crazy, he was starting to decipher it. To decipher her. He was falling hard for the girl and he knew he couldn't keep her. That was why he kicked her out of his bed the night before. A casual dalliance was now turning from convenient to nuisance in one fell swoop.
He knew she was angry with him, she had barely said a word to him all morning, even when he actively went into the bridge to say hello, she ignored him. He figured she probably knew exactly what he was feeling for her. Her being a reader an all. River did know and she felt the same, but she couldn't get through to him. She couldn't get it through his thick head that nothing they had been doing for the last few weeks was something that just sprung up out of the blue. There had been a tension coiling up, ready to spring out of control ever since she stepped on Serenity.
Jayne was contemplating his relations
1: your sentences are a little choppy/structure. do you have a beta tester?
2: river sounds an awful lot like a robot when she talks. it doesn't seem... right? i don't know.
but it's a great story. nice work!
1) Shifts in perspective/time/character -> more than once in this chapter I had to stop and re-read a line or two to figure out there had been a change in focus. Indicating a scene or perspective change would be good;)
2) Zoe's intiial reaction to River's reqiest -> for some reason, I feel that Zoe would not have denied River a chance to hold Walker. Watch River like a hawk on uppers, oh yeah...but deny her a chance to hold the baby based on lingering instability? Hmmm...would have to think harder on it.
Still...all kinds of impressed with what's here. I felt an especially fuzzy feeling when Jayne went to bad for River re: holding Walker:)
BEB
Pretty awesome and really well done!
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