Blue Sun Room FICTION - DRAMA

The Losing Side, chapter 31

Saturday, November 4, 2006

Post-war POW drama with Mal and Wash, some Zoe. In this chapter, the guards come looking to crack down after Straaker and Gray attempt an escape.

CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 3186    RATING: 9.0 (PG13)    SERIES: FIREFLY

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Sorry for the long delay, folks. I've been insanely busy, and I wanted to write this chapter with care. It's long and emotionally complex. I hope I got it right.

Special thanks to Guildsister, Mal4Prez, and everyone else who took the time to critique my writing.

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“What’s going on?” asked Gray. His question was ignored, and he spoke again. “Look, guys, I’m-“

“Shut up,” ordered the Sergeant, barely glancing in his direction. Mal was watching him closely, trying to size him up. He was a pudgy man, meticulously groomed and holding himself with an officious bearing. A bureaucrat, playing enforcer. Just charming.

“What the hell!” snapped Gray. “I was trying to-“

The Sergeant rounded on him furiously, and before the man could act Khiloh leaned down, his face cold, and grabbed the chain between the cuffs on Gray’s wrists. Without saying a word, he pulled back and twisted hard, driving the metal painfully into his wrists until the man’s protests were silenced, turning into a low, moaning cry. Mal winced, startled by the cruelty of the normally gentle officer’s actions; Gray was clearly in severe pain and Khiloh wasn’t backing off in the slightest.

Khiloh spoke calmly and deliberately, making sure his words would be heard and understood through the pain he was inflicting. “When someone gives you an order, you obey it. If you don’t, you will get hurt.” He maintained the relentless pressure for what seemed like forever until Gray managed to force out a gasping “Yes, sir,” through his quiet whimpers of pain. When Khiloh released him, he went limp and lay silently on the ground, shocked.

Khiloh straightened and looked grimly at Mal, who stared with dismay at the one guard he’d thought he could trust. “You too,” he said, nodding in the direction of the uncertain group of men who had filed out of the housing unit. “Line up and stand at attention.” His voice was cold, and Mal felt his stomach turn. Khiloh’s unwaveringly gentle and considerate nature had always shown

Comments
Saturday, 04 November 2006 03:17
Another fine, satisfying chapter. You really led me along well with the doubts about the cold, hardness with Khiloh then transitioning back to what they thought he had been.

Several good lines, but the favorite was: "I was anticipatin’ something a mite more bloodcurdling than the latest in bondage fashion." Spot on for both characters and show.

POV wandered a bit, though your transitions were generally clear to follow. You have some missing words throughout--could use another proof-read.
Saturday, 04 November 2006 05:14
Wow. Just read through this entire story tonight, and I have to say, it's one of the more compelling ones I've read. This is a part of Mal's life that hasn't been explored before very much, and I'm glad you're the one to do it, because you really seem to understand Mal. Wash too, though he's... different somehow. It's not wrong or out of character, it's just something I feel is there underneath but never came out in the show.

I'm waiting eagerly for the next one too, so don't take too long!
NBZ
Saturday, 04 November 2006 14:11
Brilliant!

I thought I may have scared you off with my comments.
Saturday, 04 November 2006 17:16
Delighted to have another chapter up and this was so well put together. At one point I thought Khiloh had been putting on an act of kindness before and this was the real him, but then the way you had him explain his predicament and having to act hard to throw the other guards off the scent about the attempted jailbreak was really good. Love how you show what Mal, Khiloh and Wash are thinking as the story unrolls. Hope real life doesn't stop you posting the next part sooner rather than later! Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me
Sunday, 05 November 2006 20:10
I don't know how you do it, jetflair, I really don't. Cuz I know I would have had a bitch of a time trying to make Khiloh seem realistically hard-assed after so long of seeing him as caring and compassionate. But you pulled it off with style and panache:D

And I gotta say Khiloh's words to Mal and Grey tore me up cuz I have been in vaguely similiar situation in a job before, where I had to suddenly become Captain Hardass to deal with a discipline problem amongst people I had striven to be friendly and caring with. It ain't fun...and you did the moment right;)

BEB
Tuesday, 14 November 2006 13:31
Very well-done. Had a feeling Khiloh was putting on a cruel act for his sargeant's benefit. Not to mention paying Gray back a little for his treachery. No good deed goes unpunished, right?

"Someone tries to kill you, you try 'n kill 'em right back."

Rob O.

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