Sorry for the long delay, folks. I've been insanely busy, and I wanted to write this chapter with care. It's long and emotionally complex. I hope I got it right.
Special thanks to Guildsister, Mal4Prez, and everyone else who took the time to critique my writing.
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“What’s going on?” asked Gray. His question was ignored, and he spoke again. “Look, guys, I’m-“
“Shut up,” ordered the Sergeant, barely glancing in his direction. Mal was watching him closely, trying to size him up. He was a pudgy man, meticulously groomed and holding himself with an officious bearing. A bureaucrat, playing enforcer. Just charming.
“What the hell!” snapped Gray. “I was trying to-“
The Sergeant rounded on him furiously, and before the man could act Khiloh leaned down, his face cold, and grabbed the chain between the cuffs on Gray’s wrists. Without saying a word, he pulled back and twisted hard, driving the metal painfully into his wrists until the man’s protests were silenced, turning into a low, moaning cry. Mal winced, startled by the cruelty of the normally gentle officer’s actions; Gray was clearly in severe pain and Khiloh wasn’t backing off in the slightest.
Khiloh spoke calmly and deliberately, making sure his words would be heard and understood through the pain he was inflicting. “When someone gives you an order, you obey it. If you don’t, you will get hurt.” He maintained the relentless pressure for what seemed like forever until Gray managed to force out a gasping “Yes, sir,” through his quiet whimpers of pain. When Khiloh released him, he went limp and lay silently on the ground, shocked.
Khiloh straightened and looked grimly at Mal, who stared with dismay at the one guard he’d thought he could trust. “You too,” he said, nodding in the direction of the uncertain group of men who had filed out of the housing unit. “Line up and stand at attention.” His voice was cold, and Mal felt his stomach turn. Khiloh’s unwaveringly gentle and considerate nature had always shown
Several good lines, but the favorite was: "I was anticipatin’ something a mite more bloodcurdling than the latest in bondage fashion." Spot on for both characters and show.
POV wandered a bit, though your transitions were generally clear to follow. You have some missing words throughout--could use another proof-read.
I'm waiting eagerly for the next one too, so don't take too long!
I thought I may have scared you off with my comments.
You can't take the sky from me
And I gotta say Khiloh's words to Mal and Grey tore me up cuz I have been in vaguely similiar situation in a job before, where I had to suddenly become Captain Hardass to deal with a discipline problem amongst people I had striven to be friendly and caring with. It ain't fun...and you did the moment right;)
BEB
"Someone tries to kill you, you try 'n kill 'em right back."
Rob O.
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