Blue Sun Room FICTION - GENERAL
Choices of Serenity - Part 2
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Jobe tells his story, Jayne finds himself drawn to the job and can't stop thinking about it, and the crew if forced to make a difficult decision.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 2469 RATING: 9.0 (PG13) SERIES: FIREFLY
Alright folks, this part's a bit angsty, but needed to be wrote. Thanks to Engineangel for the great help she gave me. For those of you who didn't read the first part click here:
http://www.fireflyfans.net/bluesun.aspx?bid=11424>'Choices of Serenity-Part 1'
In addition, there's a bit about Jayne's past that’s you can find If you read ItsaWash, who's best work In my humble opinion starts here:
http://www.fireflyfans.net/bluesun.aspx?bid=6141>'The Way of Jayne'
In any case I hope you enjoy part two, and do me a favor, like It or not, leave me a bit of feedback. Thanks.
Choices of Serenity - Part 2
Most people in the Verse tried to make their way through life honestly, through sweat and tears as was the custom for many in the spirit of Earth That Was. Not so with Jobe Dyer. Jobe was a Grifter, and a very good one at that. Moving from planet to planet, he set up deals and scams designed to bring him wealth that never seemed to be enough. With each job that would come, he'd tell himself his next one would be his last, his need for riches outweighing his conscience over and over again. He would have continued in this confused, conflicted state, were it not for the chance meeting with his future love in a saloon on Boros. The moment their eyes met, he felt the curse begin to leave him, her beautiful face promising to cure him of his disease.
Jobe was on Boros to sell counterfeit information to a Mr. Hubert; information that would allow Mr. Hubert’s less-than-legitimate business to operate underneath the prying eyes of the Alliance. Jobe knew the information was useless, but in his eyes, Mr. Hubert was nothing more than another victim of his glorious schemes. Besides, he had already received part of the payment up front. There was no reason not to continue with this seemingly easy job.
Sitting alone at a small table in a saloon, Jobe pondered his upcoming meeting with his next victim. Raising his arm, he motioned to a waitress that he was ready to order. He wa
Comments
Tuesday, 15 August 2006 02:35
Ah yes, the time has come for another spacie fic!! Yay!! Welkies and thank you for letting me beta, was so shiny :)
"She had long blonde hair and blue eyes that melted the hardness of his heart." ~~ beautiful line.
"“The best money can buy,” Jobe replied, his lying tongue slithering back into place." ~~ woo...*shivers* love love love that line "lying tongue slithering back into place"
"Forgetting his latest scam, he poured all his energies into Natalie and the wonderful newness she brought to his life." ~~ aww, love the wonderful newness :)
"Jobe wasn’t used to manual labor, and he only made enough for he and Natalie to enjoy each other, but for the first time in his life, he felt peace and true love. He rarely thought about his past. His choice was made; he lived his life for her." ~~ a perfect description of pure true love, filling his life with everything he ever needed or wanted.
"“PLEASE…NO!!!! I’ll do anything! Don’t hurt her!” Jobe pleaded again.
“Ah…Jobe…I don’t mean to hurt her none…I’m gonna kill her!” The man sneared back. “No words then?” Click. The man pulled the trigger. The bullet entered the side of Jobe’s precious wife’s head, exploding as it exited the other side. Her lifeless body fell to the floor next to young Shae, who shook uncontrollably trying hard to reach for her daddy." ~~ *shudders* omgomgomg, you make people feel so much for your characters. those men...i want them pummeled right now very badly...
again, great characterization, especially with book. you know book to a tee!! I also love how you showed the inner jayne. he really is a multi leveled guy, and underneath his hard outer shell is a softee at heart. and i love the wash, man. ARG SPACE PIRATES. lol.
I seriously can't chose an absolute favorite line. The drama, the whole story, was great! WONDERFUL ending. love that you added a bit at the end to close it all up for this chapter. :) magnific! *huggles* this is so totally a ten spacie. can't wait for the next one!! squeeeeeeeeee :D
"She had long blonde hair and blue eyes that melted the hardness of his heart." ~~ beautiful line.
"“The best money can buy,” Jobe replied, his lying tongue slithering back into place." ~~ woo...*shivers* love love love that line "lying tongue slithering back into place"
"Forgetting his latest scam, he poured all his energies into Natalie and the wonderful newness she brought to his life." ~~ aww, love the wonderful newness :)
"Jobe wasn’t used to manual labor, and he only made enough for he and Natalie to enjoy each other, but for the first time in his life, he felt peace and true love. He rarely thought about his past. His choice was made; he lived his life for her." ~~ a perfect description of pure true love, filling his life with everything he ever needed or wanted.
"“PLEASE…NO!!!! I’ll do anything! Don’t hurt her!” Jobe pleaded again.
“Ah…Jobe…I don’t mean to hurt her none…I’m gonna kill her!” The man sneared back. “No words then?” Click. The man pulled the trigger. The bullet entered the side of Jobe’s precious wife’s head, exploding as it exited the other side. Her lifeless body fell to the floor next to young Shae, who shook uncontrollably trying hard to reach for her daddy." ~~ *shudders* omgomgomg, you make people feel so much for your characters. those men...i want them pummeled right now very badly...
again, great characterization, especially with book. you know book to a tee!! I also love how you showed the inner jayne. he really is a multi leveled guy, and underneath his hard outer shell is a softee at heart. and i love the wash, man. ARG SPACE PIRATES. lol.
I seriously can't chose an absolute favorite line. The drama, the whole story, was great! WONDERFUL ending. love that you added a bit at the end to close it all up for this chapter. :) magnific! *huggles* this is so totally a ten spacie. can't wait for the next one!! squeeeeeeeeee :D
Tuesday, 15 August 2006 02:49
I very much like how you write Book. I don't write him well at all and so admire anyone who can!
There must be some reason Jayne is concerned for some young child considering he was ready to jump ship because of the lack of paying jobs. Doesn't seem like him to care about anyone.
My little shipper heart loved the little bits with Simon reflecting on Kaylee and I hope you continue to develop that in coming chapters.
Definitely looking forward to reading more.
There must be some reason Jayne is concerned for some young child considering he was ready to jump ship because of the lack of paying jobs. Doesn't seem like him to care about anyone.
My little shipper heart loved the little bits with Simon reflecting on Kaylee and I hope you continue to develop that in coming chapters.
Definitely looking forward to reading more.
Tuesday, 15 August 2006 02:50
You talk like a man who understands love and loss. I'm giving you full props for it, for how well you give Mr. Dyer a life, backstory worth believing in. I know it's not always easy to bring somebody other than the faithful BDH's into fic, but you've done it in spades here, all in the space of the first few paras, and it continues thru the whole gorram chapter, making me care about the man, his kin, and what's happening to them. "For the first time, Jobe Dyer found himself unable to scheme, unable to look at the person in front of him as anything but right and true; a prize worth adoring, not hurting."
Spacie, this line here is just phenomenal, what you have Jobe experiencing from the first moment his love speaks to him "...Her voice struck him on the lips, causing him to stutter." and "... She slew him wholly and completely as she cast him a smile and turned to walk away." Dude, it's all oh-so-lovely, poetry in print.
How do you come up with such words as these? "“The best money can buy,” Jobe replied, his lying tongue slithering back into place." Creepy goodness, just right for making us understand motivation.
Excellent word: inamorata.
"It took only two years for their love to multiply." What a perfect way to bring about the birth of their daughter.
Thoughts of his past,"...chased him like dogs down a dark alley." And the next line, starkly placed on its own: "Some dogs won’t die." Great lines, man.
"..any one of them would have done anything to see him swing in the wind." *shivers at the fearfulness of living like that.* And then right after this part, you bring the house down on him and his. Foreshadowing, textbook foreshadowing, and I LIKE it.
And then you did it. You brought horror into the world of the little family you made us smile at, become friends with. You did it like Stephen King does it, and it started right here, "…please let them go,” Jobe pleaded. “I’ll give you anything, take anything here…sir…take me! But please let them go!”" Perfectly portrayed, the man reduced to abject fear and misery. I know you had to do it, it's gonna help Serenity's crew shine, builds up to that, I'm sure, but jeeze, Spacie. It's gorram tough to read it. Which just means you're one great writer. And listen: I know how you sweated on this part, how it ripped holes in you, because I remember how I felt when I wrote torture in a recent fic of mine. *hugs* You did right by this thing, though. Never doubt it.
The transition from the tale of terror to the crew listening to Jobe talk, was very well done. Seamless. And once again, your Book shines supreme. Nobody writes him like you do.
“Jobe, we need to talk about payment.” Mal stated.
Jobe stared silently.
“Jobe, the job, we need to talk about payment.” Mal restated.
Now see, THIS is SO Mal, our captain keeping his family fed, doing what needs to be done, and he's gonna catch unholy grief over it because the cause here is a just one.
Thankee sai, for the tribute of adding Timmie; and Jayne's love for her to your amazing storyline, Spacie. I'm touched and appreciate it no-end.
This line here ROCKS: "“Jayne, the man can’t pay, which means you don’t get paid, Serenity doesn’t get fixed, and on our next landing, we crash.”" Dude, Mal is SO cool, and he would SO say this line.
Shades of Pirate Steve in this Wash-goodness, and I'm LOVING it! "“Arrgh, G’mornin’ space pirates!” Wash blurted, walking into the room scratching his butt. “Been in the clutches of a warrior woman all night. She’s a fiesty one me maties…Arrgh.”" Scratching his butt, LOL and...well, everything he said, LOL.
The whole scene of the crew at home in the morning on Serenity was sweetly done.
The girl's face was "doin’ a dance on my mind. " Love this line, pure good Jayne.
And more, right toward the end:"The silence was broken as Jayne took the opportunity to speak. “I ain’t got no serene-ness right now 'bout this. That little girl’s face captivated me like none other. There ain’t no explain’n it. She needs rescue’in and I aim to be the one t
Spacie, this line here is just phenomenal, what you have Jobe experiencing from the first moment his love speaks to him "...Her voice struck him on the lips, causing him to stutter." and "... She slew him wholly and completely as she cast him a smile and turned to walk away." Dude, it's all oh-so-lovely, poetry in print.
How do you come up with such words as these? "“The best money can buy,” Jobe replied, his lying tongue slithering back into place." Creepy goodness, just right for making us understand motivation.
Excellent word: inamorata.
"It took only two years for their love to multiply." What a perfect way to bring about the birth of their daughter.
Thoughts of his past,"...chased him like dogs down a dark alley." And the next line, starkly placed on its own: "Some dogs won’t die." Great lines, man.
"..any one of them would have done anything to see him swing in the wind." *shivers at the fearfulness of living like that.* And then right after this part, you bring the house down on him and his. Foreshadowing, textbook foreshadowing, and I LIKE it.
And then you did it. You brought horror into the world of the little family you made us smile at, become friends with. You did it like Stephen King does it, and it started right here, "…please let them go,” Jobe pleaded. “I’ll give you anything, take anything here…sir…take me! But please let them go!”" Perfectly portrayed, the man reduced to abject fear and misery. I know you had to do it, it's gonna help Serenity's crew shine, builds up to that, I'm sure, but jeeze, Spacie. It's gorram tough to read it. Which just means you're one great writer. And listen: I know how you sweated on this part, how it ripped holes in you, because I remember how I felt when I wrote torture in a recent fic of mine. *hugs* You did right by this thing, though. Never doubt it.
The transition from the tale of terror to the crew listening to Jobe talk, was very well done. Seamless. And once again, your Book shines supreme. Nobody writes him like you do.
“Jobe, we need to talk about payment.” Mal stated.
Jobe stared silently.
“Jobe, the job, we need to talk about payment.” Mal restated.
Now see, THIS is SO Mal, our captain keeping his family fed, doing what needs to be done, and he's gonna catch unholy grief over it because the cause here is a just one.
Thankee sai, for the tribute of adding Timmie; and Jayne's love for her to your amazing storyline, Spacie. I'm touched and appreciate it no-end.
This line here ROCKS: "“Jayne, the man can’t pay, which means you don’t get paid, Serenity doesn’t get fixed, and on our next landing, we crash.”" Dude, Mal is SO cool, and he would SO say this line.
Shades of Pirate Steve in this Wash-goodness, and I'm LOVING it! "“Arrgh, G’mornin’ space pirates!” Wash blurted, walking into the room scratching his butt. “Been in the clutches of a warrior woman all night. She’s a fiesty one me maties…Arrgh.”" Scratching his butt, LOL and...well, everything he said, LOL.
The whole scene of the crew at home in the morning on Serenity was sweetly done.
The girl's face was "doin’ a dance on my mind. " Love this line, pure good Jayne.
And more, right toward the end:"The silence was broken as Jayne took the opportunity to speak. “I ain’t got no serene-ness right now 'bout this. That little girl’s face captivated me like none other. There ain’t no explain’n it. She needs rescue’in and I aim to be the one t
Tuesday, 15 August 2006 12:54
I don't know if this was intentional or not, but the name Jobe (Job) is very much fitting to his plight, methinks.
Jobe losing his wife and daughter = karma for his misdeeds, it gets everyone in the end.
I also like that you incorporated Timmie from Washie's fic here. Very good homage to an excellent writer.
I like this story a great deal. That being said, I have some honest criticism:
I really dislike Jayne's voice in this chapter. I do realize that you have some development to do with the whole Timmie thing, and the little girl, so it may make sense to me when those parts get posted, but for the moment I was not happy with any of his dialogue.
Simon telling Kaylee that he would cease to exist without her seems very much out of character, especially being pre-BDM. I don't recall him professing his undying love for her even in the reaver scene (all he said was that he regretted not having sex, nothing about love or anything), so that part really bothered me.
Jobe losing his wife and daughter = karma for his misdeeds, it gets everyone in the end.
I also like that you incorporated Timmie from Washie's fic here. Very good homage to an excellent writer.
I like this story a great deal. That being said, I have some honest criticism:
I really dislike Jayne's voice in this chapter. I do realize that you have some development to do with the whole Timmie thing, and the little girl, so it may make sense to me when those parts get posted, but for the moment I was not happy with any of his dialogue.
Simon telling Kaylee that he would cease to exist without her seems very much out of character, especially being pre-BDM. I don't recall him professing his undying love for her even in the reaver scene (all he said was that he regretted not having sex, nothing about love or anything), so that part really bothered me.
Tuesday, 15 August 2006 12:55
I did mean to add that I, like Washie, liked the bit of Steve the Pirate that came out in Wash's morning dialogue.
Another thing I noticed was the use of the word 'slew' twice very close together in the early parts of the fic. Just seemed to jump out at me, is all.
Another thing I noticed was the use of the word 'slew' twice very close together in the early parts of the fic. Just seemed to jump out at me, is all.
Tuesday, 15 August 2006 13:45
I found something else that I forgot to commend you on:
“No, you are correct. Taking any job for no pay is not very smart, but that doesn’t mean it’s not right.” Book continued speaking to the whole crew as one. “All each of us can do is decide; do we do the smart thing or the right thing?”
Very good reference to Jayne's line from the BDM after discovering the secret of Miranda, well done there.
“No, you are correct. Taking any job for no pay is not very smart, but that doesn’t mean it’s not right.” Book continued speaking to the whole crew as one. “All each of us can do is decide; do we do the smart thing or the right thing?”
Very good reference to Jayne's line from the BDM after discovering the secret of Miranda, well done there.
Thursday, 17 August 2006 03:55
Oh...things are getting really interesting now;)
Definitely loving this series, and the background you are giving the OCs, spacefullofobjects! Gotta admit though...while the death of Natalie Dyer is sad, it is rather fitting karmic payback for Job's past actions:(
Really loving Mal in this series though. Definitely could see this scenario as something they would have done in an episode had the series been given a chance to thrive. Mal presented with a job that should scream "done deal" but rejects it out of hand cuz he's reached the end of his rope concerning the issue of constantly putting his ship and crew in danger for weak tea payoffs. You definitely have Mal on the ball here; he's being practical about the fact that being a Good Samaritan is wonderful, but it doesn't put food in the gallery or keep Serenity flying. Though I am glad Mal eventually accepted his crew pleas;)
However, I do have some criticism to share here. I have to agree with RiverIsMyGoddess, in that the portrayals of both Jayne and Simon were rather OOC in this chapter. Simon was channelling a future self (his comments to Kaylee definitely seem something he would say sometime after the BDM, when in a funk over the troubles his and River's presence bring to Serenity), and Jayne was seriously too compassionate and emotional for the stage in his character development where this story would be happening. Yeah...using Washie's background, Jayne's got Timmie's death (if I recall rightly) haunting him, so I would have expected him to be more set against doing the job once he knew the facts taht Mal was. He would certain have haunted dreams and go to Book for counsel...but he would hide his desire to rescue Jobe's daughter for selfless reasons under the guise of stealing the slavers' stuff to sell later or keep for their own usage. At least, I think that. I could be wrong;)
BEB
Definitely loving this series, and the background you are giving the OCs, spacefullofobjects! Gotta admit though...while the death of Natalie Dyer is sad, it is rather fitting karmic payback for Job's past actions:(
Really loving Mal in this series though. Definitely could see this scenario as something they would have done in an episode had the series been given a chance to thrive. Mal presented with a job that should scream "done deal" but rejects it out of hand cuz he's reached the end of his rope concerning the issue of constantly putting his ship and crew in danger for weak tea payoffs. You definitely have Mal on the ball here; he's being practical about the fact that being a Good Samaritan is wonderful, but it doesn't put food in the gallery or keep Serenity flying. Though I am glad Mal eventually accepted his crew pleas;)
However, I do have some criticism to share here. I have to agree with RiverIsMyGoddess, in that the portrayals of both Jayne and Simon were rather OOC in this chapter. Simon was channelling a future self (his comments to Kaylee definitely seem something he would say sometime after the BDM, when in a funk over the troubles his and River's presence bring to Serenity), and Jayne was seriously too compassionate and emotional for the stage in his character development where this story would be happening. Yeah...using Washie's background, Jayne's got Timmie's death (if I recall rightly) haunting him, so I would have expected him to be more set against doing the job once he knew the facts taht Mal was. He would certain have haunted dreams and go to Book for counsel...but he would hide his desire to rescue Jobe's daughter for selfless reasons under the guise of stealing the slavers' stuff to sell later or keep for their own usage. At least, I think that. I could be wrong;)
BEB
Saturday, 07 October 2006 08:58
While there is so much to love about this fic, and I do, I really don't like the way you make Mal the bad guy. And Jayne of all people going all righteous because the picture of the girl looks like his sister is a nice touch if a mite overplayed. I loved your Simon moments especially his discomfort over all the trouble he and River have brought down on ship and crew and Kaylee's sweet response. Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me
You can't take the sky from me
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