Hunt for the Secret Hidey Place of Nice Boys
POSTED BY: mai
UPDATED: Tuesday, May 30, 2006 17:49
VIEWED: 58403
PAGE 20 of 28
BlackEyedGirl...
Are we twins, separated at birth??? I read your post and did the fist-pumping "right ON!!!!" thing! 
You expressed yourself SO eloquently. RIGHT ON.
Several guys have told me that I'm frightening/intimidating because I'm too independent, opinionated, non-wallflowery, I know how to use power tools, etc. Well, screw 'em, they're not right for me, then, are they? (And I mean that in the nicest possible way.) 
However, I do believe that men and women ARE different, and the difference are what make things fun. I'd love to find a guy who gets off on taking care of me, because he KNOWS he doesn't have to, and allowing myself to be taken care of is a gift that I give to him. I love that male/female give and take in a relationship. (That's the only kind of game-playing I'm up for.) Everybody needs strokes; I think it's perfectly okay to engage in a "relationship dance" that makes the man feel more manly and the woman feel more womanly.
Women nearing 30 and unmarried are looked at as strange? Honey, I'm 40!!!! I've had long-term relationships (and short-term ones) but I've never lived with anyone (the cats don't count). I have a successful life, I own my own business, I'm generally well-liked and respected in my field, and, as I said before, I own power tools and I know how to use them. I could stand to lose some weight, but I'm not obese. I'm actually very happy, have very little baggage (carry-on size at most) and I don't go for the "simpering female" crap that a lot of women use to manipulate men. I think my biggest deal-killer is that I don't want kids, and guys my age tend to already be on their first or second set of kids and many of them want more! YIKES!
But I'm not a Settler, so I'm still hangin' out on a Firefly board on a Friday night instead of out on a date. I don't want to say it's hard to keep "fighting," because I don't want to frame this as an adversarial exercise. But I get your point.
It's difficult to do what you know to be right, and it's difficult to stand up for what you want and know you deserve. Especially when it seems like every other person you know is in a relationship. If your self-esteem is kind of shaky, or you get your feelings of self-worth from outside instead of inside, then it's far more likely that you'll cave and settle and spend a lot of money on romance novels.
But if there is one thing I've learned, BlackEyedGirl, it's that it's vastly better to be alone than to be with a guy who's not right for you.
Quote:
Originally posted by BlackEyedGirl:
Here's how it is: I am a ballsy, brazen, pretty, loud mouthed girl. The way I see it is this, if you don't have the guts to ask me out, or even just talk to me (just talking to me is mostly enough, cos you had the guts to take the risk, to take the chance), then you probably don't have the guts/balls to deal with me....Well, generally I don't need a man. I can take care of myself, I don't want your money, or to boss you around, or for you to fix stuff or buy me things or so any of that stupid demanding crap, I don't really need you for that, what I need is a partner in crime, a confidant someone who will be there to laugh with me and who will be there when I need them and who I can be there for too. I need a friend who I can't live without, who the sight of makes me die a little inside, who I want to take care of and to take care of me, someone who makes me quiver with anger (sometimes) and who can melt me with a word. Someone who can teach me something and who is willing to learn. I want someone with the self confidence to let me be the smart girl that I am and not feel intimidated.
There are 2 kinds of woman in this world: Settlers and Fighters. Settlers will give up and just marry whoever comes along that is sort of good enough, someone they can mold. They give up the dream, they settle. Then there are fighters, and we aren't going to take less than we want, less than we deserve. There aren't a lot of us, and everyday we lose a couple cos they just can't take it any more. WeNOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Quote:
(i could assert that I am in fact two people, both equally extreme..I often find myself with two completely opposite views on the same subject.What is seen as good could someday be seen in a negative light, then again seen as an act of sainthood at another time.
...
Yes, I very much identify with that. Often depends on the target of the subject.
Quote:
.Ah, but the things I speak of are things that I can change as they are only matters of how I perceive. My biggest hurdles (aside from the obvious things out of my control (and some in my control but will be saved for later conversation)) are my views on relationships/sex and drugs/alcohol, which, admittedly, I take more than one side on...
Perception of self is often the key to making changes. Convincing yourself to believe what you may consider a lie about yourself now, may make it true if you believe it long enough. (so was it a lie? if only it brought out the truth that you couldn't see?) Rambling (or not). Moving on....
Quote:
.I find it hard to forgive my own shortcomings. I'm rather ruthless about it. I'm tormented by not being "good enough" at anything I'm doing. I've never really been a competitive person, but I think deep down I am. Even when I do "well" at something I am often disappointed in myself for not being better.
However, I find it very easy to forgive others and their shortcomings. That whole you must love yourself first bit annoys me. I have little love for myself, but I have an overwhelming amount of love for others. Self love doesn't get in the way for me.
..
Sucks when you percieve yourself as not good enough, yet better than most others at the same time, doesn't it? See above conflicting simutainous views. The love yourself bit. Hard to do when you can't find anything inside worthy of it....yet so many people around you do. What are they seeing that you don't? I'm there. My love battery is running low, I gave a lot out without getting recharged.
Quote:
.That is my focus. Of course one can't be with someone they find repulsive...their has to be some physical attraction and I believe chemistry is very important (which is bad because girls I have chemistry with are usually the ones I'm least compatible with in other areas). I am the guy that looks to no other when he as a girlfriend. To me my past gf's were the most beautiful things walking this earth while I was with them.
..
True. I didn't even notice others when I was involved.
on a final note: The whole nice guys finish last thing. Well yeah. They always make sure she finishes first.
Visit WWW.Marillion.Com for a better way to live
"Dreaming the dream that only the sleepless know."
"Say you understand me, And I will leave myself completely.
Forgive me if I stare, But I can see the island behind your tired, troubled eyes." -Fantastic Place (Marbles) -Marillion
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
For cryin out loud... stop already with the whining.
Women are whores, men are users. Ok ok ok ya ya ya. We all get it.
If you are a man and you whine about how women broke your heart, guess what. You are in the process of growing a spine. Buck up, show some backbone (the one you're now growing). I'm 100 percent Yank but a likeminded Brit would tell you to do the whole stiff upperlip thing. Ya vampire women gravitate to weak-willed men with brokenspirits. Conquest is all-important. Wrack up the numbers, plant a flag, and announce you came and conquered. Stop whining. Be strong.
Vice-a-versa.
Ladies... we just wanna get laid. Slide inside with no complications. We're cold, emotionless, and after one thing. There ain't no complexity to man versus woman stuff. It is what it is. But you're allpowerful because we plant the seed, and you make it grow. If you think a man is using you then he very likely is. It's OK. You can avenge yourself on him because you are allpowerful. Just don't whine about it while you usurp his mojo. If you do whine, make sure you cry some alligator tears. The allimony judge will dry them up with his checkbook. Luckily for you, you figured out we men are just singleminded monsters who want to own you.
Those children will always want to know who the planter of the seed was. Are they acorns, or mighty oaks? Or just weeds?
XG
Thank the powers that be we have hollywood. They can make movies and set our minds right again. Shakin' a tree boss.
No such thing as gravity. The "Earth-that-was" just sucks.
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
I just gotta say in response to whoever said the geeks were the nice ones, not all geeks are nice, and not all popular people are cruel.
A guy at my school, let's call him "Dan", now Dan is the biggest tool you will ever meet, he thinks he is popular and cool, but everyone hates him and thinks hes a turd, except for a few people, he is a nerd/geek who is ugly and a piece of shit, the worst kind of guy you can get, same as my brother.
And don't go figuring I'm an ass because of what I said then, I just hate Dan.
I'm really a nice guy.
Really.
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
What was it that Joss said? I think it was:
Just be yourself. Unless you suck.
Serenity, First Officer of Destiny
I have a live journal: http://www.livejournal.com/users/callmeserenity/
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
KayleeWannabe, I don't want kids either. It's been a relationship stopper on many occassions for me too when the guy that I'm dating wants them.
The last guy that I dated was a computer programmer who worked from 9-9 or 9-11 o'clock Monday-Friday and on a couple of weekends a month would go in on a Saturday or Sunday all day too. One day he told me that he wanted kid. I chuckled at him and said, "Even if we got married and had a kid, when are you ever going to see her? She'll be at school by the time that you get up in the morning, in bed by the time that you get home. That leaves just the weekened to see her and even then, you often work one day." He just looked at me silently and went back to watching TV.
Onto another topic, sometimes, those guys who already have a passel of kids with multiple women and want more. I have theory. They're still searching for that perfect Leave It to Beaver family. It didn't work out with those other women, so they're trying again, with you or me.
"You can keep a dog; but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals."--George Mikes
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
KayleeWannabee, Bruisersmom,
Thank You! Thank You So Much! Seriously.
I have high self-esteem, but even so it's hard to convince myself to keep fighting. I look at women in their 30's, 40's hell 50's on up, who are successful, happy and alone and I am so proud of them. Why? Because they didn't give up the fight, they didn't give up the dream. They found what they wanted in life and they went after it, they took it and they took no prisoners along the way. I hope I can remain that strong if the right guy never comes along.
Also, I totally Agree with you KayleeWannaBe about the whole 'man who wants to take care of me, because he knows he doesn't have to.' I just recently got dumped (well, not really dumped, downgraded I guess) and what had me convinced that this was right was that I wanted to let him take care of me. This never happens, ever. Cos I hate the idea of some guy taking care of me because he thinks he has to. This time around he took care of me and I didn't hate it cos I knew I was still held in high regard, it was more like 'no let me make you dinner, you had a long drive' which was nice and not manipulative. It was genuine and it didn't diminish who I am but made me feel really girly. I loved it, and now I miss it desperately.
One of my biggest issues is people (not just men) who di things because they think they are supposed to, not because they want to, but because they think this is the way it works. It feel manipulated and ridiculous.
A while back one of my friends was shocked to hear that I had never cohabitated with a man. I didn't think this was that strange, I've never even considered moving in with a man (then again I've dated like 2, maybe 3 men in the last 5 years so it's more likely a numberss issue). My theory is I see a lot of people who date, move in with each other, and that's it. I have 2 male friends who've lived with their girlfriends going on 3+ years and don't want to marry them, they still think there might be someone else out there for them. Which to me is a huge OMG! Break the fuck up, cos you are just stringing each other along. I don't get that. Get married or break up don't stay cos it's easy and convienent while you wait for the next best thing!
The whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
BTW: If either of you can find it, I highly recommend the book 'Quirkyalone' it's all about this sort of movement of people who refuse to settle.
It's a Saturday night and here I am, on the Firefly board, reading blogs, and pretty damn satisfied. I'd love a partner in crime, but right now I'm feeling pretty okay just with me.
Also, there are lots of guys out there who don't want kids. My best friend married one, neither of them want a passel of ankle biters, they have 2 dogs and 3 cats and that's a big enough menagerie for them. Just keep your hopes up and keep your eyes peeled. I currently live in an area where if you are single at 25+ and not already through your first divorce with at least 2 kids you are a freak of nature (they are breeders up here in Wausau, BREEDERS I say!), and every guy I have met has kids, and I don't really want someone elses baggage. I don't want to deal with offspring that didn't come out of me (and even so I only want one, and it will be well behaved and very much loved and attented upon as opposed to these people with a herd of kids with ADD), and that fact alone can't get me a date.
BTW: I'm not whining, I'm bitching, which is totally different! ;)
Also BTW: Nice guys beware of the soul sucking harpies they are out there and circling like sharks to destroy you. Be very careful. They can't all be evil but a lot of them are looking for a victim and if you can't be strong enough to stand up to them they will eat you alive, and remove your spine. I may be loudmouthed and opinionated but I have never ever destroyed a man because I could, nor have I ever castrated or soul sucked anyone. So don't necessarily be afeared of the ballsy intellectual fantastical girls, cos they are usually not the ones who are out to destroy you.
This t
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Quote:
Originally posted by BlackEyedGirl:
A while back one of my friends was shocked to hear that I had never cohabitated with a man. I didn't think this was that strange, I've never even considered moving in with a man (then again I've dated like 2, maybe 3 men in the last 5 years so it's more likely a numberss issue). My theory is I see a lot of people who date, move in with each other, and that's it. I have 2 male friends who've lived with their girlfriends going on 3+ years and don't want to marry them, they still think there might be someone else out there for them. Which to me is a huge OMG! Break the fuck up, cos you are just stringing each other along. I don't get that. Get married or break up don't stay cos it's easy and convienent while you wait for the next best thing!
Curious...we're not supposed to date anyone we aren't sure we're going to marry? My boyfriend and I aren't married, because we know that we're young, and we might find other people. I don't think that means we should break up. We're happy together. Knowing it may not be permanent makes us no less happy now.
And what's the significant difference between cohabitating and just dating? Either way we need to live with roommates, and it's much less awkward for everyone if we choose each other to be those roommates.
"it has some sweet character deaths -- I mean moments!" - Joss Whedon
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
*bangs down the gavel*
"This meeting of the 'She-Woman Manhater's Club' is called to order.' Today's topic, same as yesteryears. Same as next years. Meeting convened."
*straps on parachute and bails out nearest window*
There is nothing redeemable in being alone. Nothing noble or strong about it. Unless you're a monk (or monkee, monkess, monkette, whatever the female version of "cloistered soulsearcher" would be) (I'm personally fond of "monkee" btw). You're either antisocial and freaklike or very deep (deep thinker, deeply disturbed, just deep).
XG
ps ~ if selfish women are whores, what are manwhores? Can't take "manwhores" seriously because it makes us wanna laugh out loud. I tried "users" but it felt unequal. "Studs" feels more like a label we all wish we had. Still trying to figure out the male equivalent of that word.
No such thing as gravity. The "Earth-that-was" just sucks.
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Quote:
Originally posted by XeroGravity:
*bangs down the gavel*
There is nothing redeemable in being alone. Nothing noble or strong about it. Unless you're a monk (or monkee, monkess, monkette, whatever the female version of "cloistered soulsearcher" would be) (I'm personally fond of "monkee" btw). You're either antisocial and freaklike or very deep (deep thinker, deeply disturbed, just deep).
Is it better than to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone? Because there is nothing noble or strong about that either.
Quote:
ps ~ if selfish women are whores, what are manwhores? Can't take "manwhores" seriously because it makes us wanna laugh out loud. I tried "users" but it felt unequal. "Studs" feels more like a label we all wish we had. Still trying to figure out the male equivalent of that word.
I think the word 'whore' is greatly misused. Not too long ago a guy called me a whore after I refused to dirty dance with him. That may make me a lot of things, but whore ain't one of 'em.
Oh, and the male version is
Hell with this; I'm gonna live! - Kaylee "Serenity"
If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do. -"Angel"
Browncoat? Canadian? Join us:
http://movies.groups.yahoo.com/group/canadianbrowncoats/
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME