Note: A story that I hope fills in some of the silences of War Stories, Zoe's perspective.

Thanks: To Philomel, the fastest, most ruthless beta in the west.

Feedback: Please. Really let me have it.

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Over and Over and Over

It’s late and it's dark. I can’t sleep and neither can he. Neither of us can sleep, but I can’t reach him to comfort him--can’t reach out to comfort Mal, neither. Both of them need me, but I can’t figure out how I'm going to be there for either of them. Comfort one in the day and one at night? Hold one while he cries and hold the other, ever so metaphorically, while he doesn’t?

It’s the night crying that makes it real. There’s a bond between them now, even though they don’t talk about. It’s a new one and I kind of understand it. But I know I’m not a part of it. I’m not a part of it and I’m not shut out. And it’s like having to choose over and over and over again.

The choice wasn’t hard, not at all. Wash would’ve broken and Mal would have stayed whole. Choose that way and keep on fixing it. But then Wash planned to fix it too. And I was stunned. And I keep having to make the choice, knowing now that the same one would be hard.

He’s different now and in some ways that scares me. Never thought he was weak, ever. Couldn’t be with a man who was weak. But I knew that Mal was empty enough inside to withstand Niska. I think I knew that maybe every minute Wash spent in there he would get a little emptier, too. I can’t even think about that.

I love the both of them over and over.

What I know in my soul is this: Wash is always waiting. He promised and I promised back. Mal understood; Wash is understanding. Mal wants me perfect and whole or at least pretending and maybe he doesn’t need me.

Wash gives me room to grow and get beyond. Wash lets me be vulnerable and afraid. And he needs me.

I choose to live this way. I choose Wash.

It was the understanding that broke my heart. Understanding exactly what happened, although I've never b