Inner Darkness
Saturday, December 14, 2002
Mal and Kaylee are stranded in a town of a remote planet. Zoe and Jayne go to the rescue. Mal / Inara and Kaylee / Simon
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 5473 RATING: 9.0 (PG13) SERIES: FIREFLY
Title: Inner Darkness
Author: Goldenthorn (goldenthorn74@yahoo.com)
Featuring: Mal, Kaylee, Inara, Wash, Jayne, Zoe, River, Simon
Category: Mal / Inara (romance) - Mal / Kaylee (brother / sister ship)
Rating: R (for violence and adult situations)
Summary: Serenity is stuck in a remote planet. Mal and Kaylee get stranded in a ghost town. Jayne and Zoe go to their rescue. Will they get to them before it is too late?
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and FOX do. I am just doing this for fun taking advantage of the show being on break. Not making a dime out of it. Hey! Everybody copes their own way.
Acknowledgement: A very special thanks to Nola999 for her patience, help and support. Her feedback and suggestions were a life saver, thank you so much!
Feedback: It is my first story ever, so it would be greatly appreciate it. Be brutal!!
It was dark. The thick scent of liquor, burnt flesh, sweat and dust filled the air. Lying on his back, he could barely command his sore limbs to move. His mind was still clouded by blurry images of people running, screaming, dying... He tried to stir again and felt the weight of a body on top of him. The dust was so thick in the air, his eyes burnt as if a thousand microscopic razors were scratching them. There was a humming noise in the background, or was it just his ears ringing? He tried to get a hold of reality. Wake up, he told himself. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. He kept repeating it like a mantra inside his head. Slowly, he started remembering the horrifying recent events and panic threatened to overtake him.
"Kaylee..." he tried to speak, but his mouth and throat were so dry he only managed a hoarse whisper.
"Kaylee!" he tried again a little louder. No response.
It was dark and musky, the air so heavy it made it hard to breathe. Mal rolled over to his side, the small body of a young girl rolling in turn with his. Trying not to make a sound, he embraced her and shielded h
I hope there will be more. maybe a sequel?
thanks for this one!
Idefix
For the future tread more lightly on the charechter's feelings, we all know how taken Kaylee and SImon are with eachother, you don't have to spell it out, same goes with all the relationships. Also, you shouldn't feel the need to invent traumas for people like Mal, his life was plenty traumatic without his brother dying and I thought that part of the story just draged the whole thing down.
But, seriously, very good for a first go! Keep it up!
Harri Vane
Some minor bits here and there, style-wise that require a more detailed reading (and I'd be happy to do that off the board), but as a reader this is one of the better ones so far.
I enjoyed it immensely. I was caught up in all of it, on the edge of my seat, holding my breath.
I agree there are minor bits. However I just don't feel I can express my complete enjoyment of this story enough.
Thanks for writing. Please write more.
First of all, let me congratulate you on your spelling and grammar. I know a writer doesn't need to be an English Teacher to tell a good story, but it sure helps when you don't get distracted by mistakes in the text.
The story itself was fabulous!!! If FF ever makes it back to series TV, I'd love to see it as an episode -- it's certainly worthy of it.
I agree that the backstory on Mal was a little far-fetched. I can believe, however, that his recent experience maybe colored and reshaped his memories of a past tragedy. For instance, a terrible accident takes the life of a playmate (brother's too close, speaking from experience) in a cave at night. He suddenly begins to remember it as a Reaver attack. The audience could clue in to his dimensia when the funeral party turn into Reavers before his eyes.
One reason I say a brother is too close is this: It's obvious (to me, anyway) that Mal lost his faith at Serenity Valley. I seem to recall him describing his childhood (was this in an episode, or a fan-fic) as hard, but happy -- raised by a strong mother and a host of ranch-hands. Losing a friend would be hard, but losing a brother would be impossible to overcome.
Well, that's my two cents. You're an excellent writer! Keep it up!
Aly
Wow! Thanks for your great review! I had not gotten any feedback for 'Inner Darkness' in ages.
Thanks for commenting on the grammar and the spelling - English is my second language and I do take pride in the written language.
I agree with you on the back story, but I wrote this story before watching 'Serenity' (which aired in the US as the last episode - go figure!)
I would love to see Firefly returning as a series, but from what I hear the are just concentrating in the movie for now.
Thanks again for the feedback. You can also read 'Stay' and 'Secrets' which should be around here somewhere.
Thanks to everybody else for your comments. You guys are great. :-)
Rozz
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