Blue Sun Room FICTION - MYSTERY

The Guns of Yamenmiao (Pt. 4)

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Old That Is Strong - Book 1, Part 4. When Kaylee has a happy reunion with her old friend, he turns out to be no stranger to Mal and Zoe.

CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 3777    RATING: 9.0 (G)    SERIES: FIREFLY

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Author's Note: First of all, thank you to everyone who answered that blog entry about what I could possibly be doing wrong with this fic. I feel far better about it now - I'd just hate for history to repeat itself after that abysmal experience with Star Wars fanfic. Thankfully, that blog will always be there to remind me that things aren't near as lousy as they could be. ;)

Ever with the beta-thanks to PhyreLight; see prologue for other blurbs and disclaimer.

http://www.fireflyfans.net/bluesun.aspx?bid=20157>Prologue

http://www.fireflyfans.net/bluesun.aspx?bid=20189>Part 1

http://www.fireflyfans.net/bluesun.aspx?bid=20233>Part 2

http://www.fireflyfans.net/bluesun.aspx?bid=20267>Part 3

前进

If Kaylee's grin had dimmed at all since she re-entered Serenity, it was indiscernible as she ascended the ladder from her conspicuously marked room and flitted aft to the galley. True as it was that she loved new faces, there were old faces aplenty that she couldn't ever imagine turning away. Nor could she deny that not all the memories of this face were pleasant: but she told herself to forget about them, to enjoy the moment as it passed, like any other moment aboard Serenity. She instead indulged herself in worthwhile memories of the moments she and Robert had happily shared during his month-long visit to Guonian, as she filled two glasses with her own blend of strawberry banana juice.

What had drawn them together in that short time was their mutual love of simplicity, of functionality, and machinery that operated within those bounds. And even then they had broadened each other's horizons of functionality, whether advanced or anachronistic: Kaylee had jumped at the chance to show Robert how to fix a crabby hydraulic pump, and Robert in turn had taught her how the simple expansion of water into steam could keep an endless chain of people and supplies on the indefinite move. He had been impressed w

Comments
Monday, 12 May 2008 13:30
Ypu write so smoothly, I get jealous. I'm liking your character Robert. He's very interesting. As always, very good. Your faithful reader, ;) Angelle
Monday, 12 May 2008 15:07
Ooh, nice and mysterious. If this were in printed form, it'd be a page-turner. I'm really looking forward to the next part.
Tuesday, 13 May 2008 20:04
Interesting chapter. I'm still getting to know Robert, but I already like seeing Kaylee interact with someone she has a past with. It serves to make her thoughtful about herself, which didn't seem to happen often in the show. Insightful.

Not that I quite trust Robert. I'm wondering where Mal's going to go with him. I'm also maybe seeing a tie between River's rants and Robert's steam engine experience, with the heat and all. Hmmm.... enigmatic River!

Now here's a little constructiveness: I found a few sections a bit muddy with the words. You come up with some brilliant wordplay, like: "An upbeat, sunlit avenue to continuing the conversation eluded Kaylee, wrack her brain though she might to open one." Great metaphor, but clearer without "to open one". Strunk's golden rule: Less words, same meaning = better.

Also, I'm not entirely sure of the narrative voice. One paragraph starts with "not a lash" - very Kaylee-speak - then ends with "aimless they absorbed every line of the little freighter with a curious streak that was no news to Kaylee, for it was almost..." which is not at all Kaylee. It's poetic and quite lovely, but it leaves me wondering who's telling the story, and why such an eloquent voice in a Kaylee/Robert scene in the Firefly verse? (By all means, don't change it! It's just food for thought...)

BTW, I'm very picky. Can you tell? ;) It's why I seldom leave feedback. I have a hard time saying less than this. Hope it helps!
DARBYMONSTER
Thursday, 15 May 2008 14:48
Stumbled into this fanfic and am liking it very much, primarily because it's an interesting plot, your characters are spot on, dialog is darn near perfect, but mostly because I'm so darn happy to see writing that qualifies as actual writing! Guess I've waded through a lot of crap lately.

I like the mystery of the planet, hinted at, spoken of, but not hitting us over the head. The past associations, both Mal and Kaylee's are realistic and the characters are 3 dimensional.

I'm very happy to have found this. Too many of the fics lately are post-BDM (no Wash) or River/Jayne or River/Mal or that whole Freya universe that I just don't get.

Don't be down about the lack of feedback. The best writers and the best stories seem to get maybe 3 or 4 feedbacks each chapter, but there are tons of comments on the crappy, poorly written ones. Your writing is better than most on here.

And hey, you got good feedback from mal4prez, which I think is worth at least 100 other comments. Quality, not quantity.
Saturday, 17 May 2008 12:31
You have a very interesting writing style, very enjoyable and nicely flowing. You're leaving a lot of hints in supposition and that always makes for interesting follow up reading. Enjoying this very much. Please don't compare yourself to other writers in the amount of feedback. Every writer here is on their own creative path, and the best we can do as a community is give everyone a space to grow in their own way and time.
Wednesday, 18 June 2008 13:33
I can't help thinking that Robert is connected to the train that is hidden somewhere inside that mountain. Wouldn't be surprised if it was a steam train which would fit in with River's warning. I can't help but be very suspicious about him just turning up at Serenity and reconnecting with Kaylee as if it is all coincidental. I don't like how, even with her tiny reservations, good hearted Kaylee just invited him along inside the ship. I would have wanted to wait until all the crew and the Captain was back before having him set foot inside what is essentially their home. What if Robert is acting for the bad guys or has plans of his own either for Serenity or Kaylee's skills as a mechanic? Whatever, it would good if he turned out to be a blessing not a curse but given the crew's luck I am not holding my breath nor taking my eyes off him. Great writing. Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me

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