As always everything belongs to Joss. All of these are written in chronological order, but can be read as stand alones (only vague references to other installments). Ratings are shiny, comments are shinier!

**Rated NC-17 for one wee four letter word that isn't even in English (but if you're curious there's a translation at the end). Better safe than sorry!**

Intro -

When he thought on it, he wasn't sure why Kaylee had been gone for the first few days after surviving the Alliance and the Reavers in a single battle. Everything was hazy at first. It made sense - he was healing from a serious gunshot wound to the abdomen, not to mention serious shock to be alive enough to actually heal. But he remembered sometimes opening his eyes. There would be only a window to indicate if it was day or night. And River’s face, her eyes were always filled with tears and hurt. But it wasn't the look on her face that made him feel a cold blend of fear and disappointment. Was she hurt? Was she gone... was she really gone? Was that why River was always crying? Was that why she wasn't here? Only a few precious moments of consciousness and the pattern was always the same – hope when he rose to the surface, fear when he opened his eyes, dread as he sank into dreamless sleep. And it was only when he hoped could he think her name. “Kaylee.”

Then, as his requirement for sedation dropped, so did the fog that was in his mind. He couldn't say how many times he opened his eyes during those first few days. How many times he hoped for a glimmer of her smile and was found wanting. He could, however, recount in exacting detail the first time he saw her face. Even as a doctor he would never be able to explain how he physically felt the loosening of fear and dread in his gut. He could actually feel the knot unbind itself. With her there he could focus on healing. With her there he could acknowledge that it was over, really and truly over. With her there he could actually look forward to the future - something that had been gone for far t