La Escorpiona/The Scorpion-Chapter 4: Between heaven and hell- There is black
Monday, April 2, 2007
A Bounty Hunter,torn from her home remolded by the hands of blue. She escapes into the black.Her only target- River tam.But can she kill her? Or can she go back to being normal? Takes place after BDM(No Wash or Book).
This chapter is tame-Next one isn't going to be tame at all.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 3193 RATING: 8.0 (NC17) SERIES: FIREFLY
Author: Tinadoll (aka Tina- That’s me!)
Setting: After BDM
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17. This chapter is kinda Pg. Next is going to be hard NC-17
Spoilers: probably-But who cares? We have all seen the episodes?
Author’s note: I have written fan-fic before. But this is my first Fireflyfic and my first serious (kind of) one. Scorpion is mine. All Spanish, Latin or any other language will be in parenthesis. This could get messy folks. My spelling and grammar is horrible. And my humor is odd. And I’m a fan girl. LOL ENJOY
Disclaimer: Firefly et al. Are properties of Josh Whedon- Those who don’t like that will get punched in the Kidneys. Some one told me i needed to work on my tense- so i tried to. Hopefully this chapter refects that
Next chapter there is going to be smut(maybe) and violence.
Edit: Edited by Jetflair- Thanks for the help!
Chapter 4: Between heaven and hell- There is the black
In the black you can never go back. You can never be whole again.
Maria stepped out of the darkness and into the light. At first she was blinded, but after the initial shock wore off she saw a table, set for five people. She looked down at her clothes and she was wearing white. She looked around again and saw her parents. Her mother kept setting the table and her father was behind her unsetting it. She went to step forward and she blinked and for the first time in a long time- She saw with two whole eyes.
"Where am I?" she asked. She looked around there was nothing except the table and her parents. Where were her brothers?
Her parents remained silent.
"Am I dead?" Maria asked.
Her mother looked up. "You do not belong here," she said.
Here? Where was here? Was this heaven? "Where are my brothers? Where are Pierre, Juan, and Julian?"
Her mother moved forward. She looked angry. "Move along home!" she said as she shooed her.
Maria stepped back and fell into the darkness.
…
She screamed, awaking to a sharp pain in her shoulder which reached to
You should get yourself a Beta reader, someone to proof your work.
I copied a portion of the last bit, and in parenthesis, indicated the conflicting tenses. For me...it's a real distraction to your work.
“Shuddup Mal” Jayne says (PRESENT) pouting. “I wanna finish this once and for all. My way.” He said (PAST) smiling. He really looked (PAST) pleased with himself.
Mal looked (PAST)at Jayne and then at the strapped Scorpion.
“Fine.” He said (PAST) to Jayne “Just make sure you clean up the mess when you are done.I don't want no blood stains scarin off potential business partners.”
He turns (PRESENT) to leave.
“Captain, If I may have one small request.” She asks.(PRESENT) He turns(PRESENT) and crossed(PAST) his arms. “May I have my eye-patch back?”
- I should say thank you but i feel a little bitter now. I may (or may not edit it later)
You have a number of other grammatical mistakes as well - not that this means your story is bad, but these mistakes get in the way of readers enjoying the story you've worked so hard on. A beta reader would help you - betas help all of us!
Really, Mavourneen must enjoy and care for your work enough to have taken the time to offer a criticism. She/He did so with no personal attack or insult, and likely with every intention of continuing to read and enjoy your work. It's a shame you can't take the comment gracefully.
I'm sorry the comment above made you feel bitter; I know what it's like to work hard on something and put it out for people to comment on, and negative comments sting. But when they are constructive and true like the above, they will make your work better if you listen to them.
Professionally written is important; fewer people will read, take you seriously, or enjoy your work when the way it's written distracts from the story (which in this case, it does). Want me to try a beta on your next chapter? I won't mess with your story, but maybe I can help point out some ways to make the writing/presentation a little smoother.
I really liked the exchange between Mal, Scorpion, and Jayne in this......it was funny. Just needs a little polishing is all!
Hopefully its better!
Thanks for the help again!
So...let's get any and all remaining complaints out of the way so we can move to the complements. Only thing that stands out for me is that I think you meant to use "fissures" instead of "fishers" when referring to Mal's cerulean peepers. End critique;)
Now...to the compliments! Definitely really liking this series and I really can't wait to see how the next chapter flows. Maybe it's me, but I really don't think that Mal will let Jayne go all that far with Maria...but I could be all kinds of wrong. However, I did like the various observations from Maria/Scorpion about Simon, Mal and Jayne's behaviours at this point in time:D
BEB
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