Worst of the Worst - Contribute to The Most Awful Fic Ever Written
POSTED BY: jetflair
UPDATED: Friday, February 17, 2012 18:36
VIEWED: 87562
PAGE 15 of 22
For RiverFlan:
Book knelt in prayer, finally whispering, "RAmen." In the quiet moments before he stood, he could almost swear he felt the touch of His Noodly Appendage.
A While Back
The blinding white light faded, and Book felt himself floating. Looking down in a daze at the hazy figures below, feeling the rage and heartbreak of the small crew he'd learned to call family.
The face of the Flying Spaghetti monster peered at him through the farsighted meatballs that functioned as eyes. A beer volcano bubbled in the heavens above, and he could see the cobbled path to the stripper factory at the edge of his vision. "I'm not ready to go yet," Book said. "I know – I've violated the eight I'd Rather You Didn’ts, especially the one about the subjugating and eviscerating and oppressing. It was – a companion thing. But I'm so close to redemption. That man – " he pointed down at Mal, who was currently dispatching unarmed men and threatening to shoot his crew – "is a divine being. A pirate. I need to guide his path. I need to be alive for that man."
The Flying Spaghetti Monster burped with a twitch of His Noodly Appendages. "The one strapping bodies to the nose of his ship?" One eyeball peered down speculatively. "Does he plan to eat those, I wonder? Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. I was drunk when I wrote those rather you didn't things. Stripper factory?"
"Your honor – I need to finish this. I need to safeguard the holy pirate so he can fulfill his destiny," said Book with resolve.
"Fine," He sighed, wiping His brow with a noodle. "On one condition. You deliver that one –" he dripped a speck of sauce on Simon's shoulder "- to me for a brief anal probing. I'm getting tired of being the one and only complex-carbohydrate omnipotent being, and he just might be My Chosen One. I must investigate." He wiggled one of His appendages suggestively.
Book nodded assent, and the world went black again.
Now. Still with the contemplation.
Book fingered himself where the wounds had been, then slipped his hand – elsewhere briefly. Sometimes he missed being a companion. He'd awoken without a mark on him, just some lingering traces of spaghetti sauce. And now, it was time to be reunited with the sacred pirate.
"Love keeps her in the air...."
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yay:)
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For Wytchcroft:
Zoe sat down at the dining table for breakfast alone. "What's the matter? You look exhausted," said Mal.
Zoe sighed. "It's Wash. All he did all night was cry. He was obviously horribly traumatized by his stay in the Academy, but he won't talk about it. Just cries in the fetal position clutching a dinosaur."
River stood. "I can read his mind."
"Oh – right. Good idea," agreed Zoe. "Come on everyone, let's go hear what really happened to Wash. I'm pretty sure he wants as many crew members as possible to hear his story."
Wash and Zoe's cabin was a mite crowded with eight people in it, but they made do. Wash was lying, gratuitously naked on the bed with only a few bits not allowed on TV showing. The whole crew paused to admire his handsome figure, and to regret the fact that Zoe would kill them if they made a move.
"I brought you another dinosaur, Wash," said River, pressing the offering into his hand. He gripped it with a sob.
"Why'd ya' marry such a wuss?" asked Jayne. "Bein' a worrior woman and all."
Zoe glared. "My honey-bunches-of-oats can bring it when he needs to. He's just such a paragon of everything that's good and kind and funny that he rarely shows it."
"About time he showed some balls," muttered Jayne.
"Fine," snapped Zoe, pulling the blanket back. "There. Happy now?"
"Ain't we hit just plain gratuitous now?" asked Mal. "Not that he doesn't have a nice body and all, but the viewers'll get to see my even more appealing one under even less erotic circumstances soon."
"Some people might actually find you being stripped naked and tortured to be erotic," Kaylee reminded him. "Chicks dig scars, and apparently some of them take that to a whole new level."
Mal shuddered. "Point taken."
"The Academy," whispered River, curling up in the fetal position, back to back with Wash. "He was there too."
"We actually knew that already, hon," said Zoe. "Can you confine the exposition to what we don't know?"
~~~~~
He'd forgotten. Lord, how he wished he could still forget. His parents carrying him lovingly off that smog-filled planet and delivering him into the caring hands of the Alliance academy. He wanted to see the stars, and they promised to modify him into the perfect fighter pilot. His innocent little self had walked in at fourteen, ready to conquer the galaxy.
He hadn't known that conquering the galaxy would mean months of carefully calculated psychological and chemical torture, hadn't known about the multiple brain surgeries and implants and experiments he'd be facing. Hadn't known it was all a big experiment, until he heard doctors talking in worried tones about his developing dinosaur fetish.
It had been Dr. Prick's idea to use Hawaiian shirts as a behavioral trigger. When dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, he would be a flying prodigy. When stripped naked in a tiny white cell (the Academy, having a voyeuristic bent, favored keeping students stripped naked in tiny white cells. Seemed it was easiest to "observe" them that way, and it saved on laundry bills), he was simply an ordinary guy with a dinosaur fetish.
Things had gotten a little better when Dr. Obvious had suggested that sending him through flight school might help him develop piloting skills. In the special Alliance Flight Academy, he'd slowly recovered to the point where he could fly when in a nurturing environment surrounded by dinosaurs, palm trees, and wearing a Hawaiian shirt.
The Alliance had been frustrated at their failure, and experimented with beating him at night when he was stripped naked in his tiny white cell. When Dr. Obvious asked how, exactly, that might improve his flying ability, the others had scratched their comb-overs in puzzlement.
Finally, declaring him of no value whatsoever to the Alliance, they had wiped his brain (a highly unpleasant process involving Drano and a glow stick) and released him with a pilot's license.
"He fought them," said River in a shaky voice. "He fought, and they plucked him out of the sky. They gave th
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Thank you! 
I feel shiny now- this story is going to be awesomely bad!! 
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My favorite quotes: 
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LOL:) and so... plausible - shove it in the BSR:)
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LOL - isn't it just so (not!) Firefly? :D
I'm actually going to refrain sticking this in the BSR until it's done, I think. And first, I promised some folks they could beta :D
There is still much cringe-worthy awfulness yet to be written. For instance, I need at least three or four more declarations of undying love. I don't even have one from Jayne yet, for heaven's sakes!
"Love keeps her in the air...."
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may i humbly suggest the title:
'The De-Lousing Side'?
heh heh
(if i've spelt it right...)
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Could you, the most wonderful writer, fufill a request for me?
Could one of the crew get Tom Smith Disease, pretty please?
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My favorite quotes:
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Quote:
Originally posted by wytchcroft:
may i humbly suggest the title:
'The De-Lousing Side'?
heh heh
(if i've spelt it right...)
LOL - that's hilarious!
Quote:
Originally posted by RiverFlan:
Could you, the most wonderful writer, fufill a request for me?
Could one of the crew get Tom Smith Disease, pretty please?
Um - She Who Is Ignorant wants to know what, exactly, Tom Smith disease is? I even googled it and didn't come up with anything besides a filk song!
"Love keeps her in the air...."
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Quote:
Could one of the crew get Tom Smith Disease, pretty please?
Um - She Who Is Ignorant wants to know what, exactly, Tom Smith disease is? I even googled it and didn't come up with anything besides a filk song!
maybe RF meant TOM PETTY disease - a chronic syndrome forcing you to tour, (with crew and chums in tow) the far reaches of the black for all eternity, regardless of who, when or how comes the audience, comes the coin - etc...?
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