To be or Not to Be THAT is the Question...

POSTED BY: RiveR6213
UPDATED: Sunday, April 9, 2006 14:26
VIEWED: 29919
PAGE 8 of 17

PREV PAGE 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 NEXT PAGE

RIVER6213

Saturday, March 25, 2006 7:39 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

The Little River That Could
I like that signature

Don't deny or try to 'get rid' of your pain. That would be impossible. Just try to accept it as part of yourself, but not an all-controlling part.

For someone who balks at shrinks, you seem remarkably in touch with yourself, and the source of your difficulties, and this is not only a good sign, but a powerful tool for change. You say you hate who you are, so be someone else. Create yourself in the way that you want to be. Start with the little things...for small example, do you leave the house with a blank expression looking down usually? Next time, walk out, intentionally looking up at the sky, and smile. It's acting, but repetition will make you comfortable in the role.

Just the act of smiling, however forced or artificial, will begin the change.

Machines can be dis-assembled.

You let us in a little, on here. Now do the same in your life. Crawl, then walk, then run with it.

I, for one, have faith in ya.

Don't MAKE ME come with the cordical electrodes! Chrisisall

Thanks Chrisiall,

I do have a lot of personal insight about myself...I know HOW, now I need to know WHY so I can do something about this mess called my life that I created. Thanks for reading in between the lines of my posts, and seeing the person underneath the words. This gives me some hope that perhaps I'm not completly gone yet.

I was really worried yesterday after posting that super personal post. You never how people are going to take that sort of thing.

Sands left a post that I read this morning that caused me to seriously think about what I think about and why. I was thinking this while I was trying to get some work done today. Do you know that I didnt even know it was Friday? I thought it was Thursday! I'm slipping! The people at work know something is up with me, but they are way too tactiful to actually ask. I got to keep this stuff hidden as long as I'm able. who wants to know if their boss is crazy..lol!

River

RIVER6213

Saturday, March 25, 2006 7:57 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by otma:
River, I read your long post, and you don't have anything to apologize for. I'm not going to start ignoring you now. I'm back here again, and I hope you will be too.
There are monsters in this world. I don't see you as one of them. You suffered more than anyone should. You showed strength and resolve and succeeded where many would have failed. You are not trash. You never will be.
Part of the reason I identify as a Browncoat is because I despise injustice. When I hear about people being abused, tortured, stripped of their rights and their individuality, ground and beaten down by prejudice or conformity or plain old cruelty, it offends me down to the bone. Whether it comes from government or religion or individual action, I can't tolerate it. It grinds at me when the bastards win.
You deserve better, River. You survived more pain than I've ever known and now you're hurting again, but you deserve to make it this time too. You deserve to win. Not them. Not the ones who hurt you so badly you don't value yourself. If you used that gun, I wouldn't think of it as suicide, I'd think of it as a delayed murder. I cared about your life before today. Now I care more.
River, please get rid of the gun. If you can't bring yourself to do that, at least get rid of the bullets. If you can't decide to live right now, at least make it so you'll have to put effort into not living. Make yourself have to think about it, not just do it on the spur of a moment you might have regretted later.
I care about you, not in an abstract "it's better if people don't die" way, but as an individual, as the person I saw in your picture, as the person I see in your posts. I don't think you really want to die. I think you just want it to stop hurting. Keep posting here, and I will too. I'm in, all the way. I'm not giving up on you. Please don't give up on yourself. You deserve to win.

OTMA,
Thank you for the words of courage. Sorry for me being so blasted egocentric.
I actully do want to die, but before I give up the ghost, I want to know that I tried everything. Life has a way of catching up with you...and its catching up with me fast!!! I can't run fast enough, so its time to hunch my shoulders, turn around and face my demons, and I have a LOT of demons.

I do want to stop hurting. You are correct saying this. And I thought I was being so smart now look what I've gone and done to myself. I'm not going to get rid of my gun...not at all. I want it with me right next to this computer. Its a reminder, its a reminder that I have choices. Its a reminder that if I really wanted too, I could take my life this second. I have the power...I have the choice. Its important for me to know that I have a choice, and sometimes its good to force yourself into some kind of "final showdown"

This is going to sound rather funny. strange as it may sound. I used up all my survival skills to get me this far, and now I don't have any survival skills that works for thse more modern time at the age that I'm at. I made it to the top of the heap and I now I'm the weakest one of them all. Crazy huh?

Thank you for talking to me. Thank you all for taking the time out of your lives to help an idiot. I know I'm being somewhat selfish, and I suspect you know this too, but I hope someday I can return the favor for any of you who falls into the same mind-trap that I'm currently in.

River

RIVER6213

Saturday, March 25, 2006 8:12 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by IsaacShepherd:
River,
I'm sorry to hear about what has happened to you. I wish I could say more helpful words but I cannot begin to relate to what has happened to you. All I can do is try to help. I'm not much of a talker in real life, but I'm an excellent listener and there are others on this site that are as well. We'd all like to help you.

One amazing thing about being a Browncoat is we're all like family. We all generally care about other people and what happens to other people. Hang in there cause there are people there for you, who'll support you. I thing I've always admired about Mal was his determination and to go through everything that you have, you must have as much or more than Mal does. If there is anything more we can do let us know.
IS

The Bible's a bit fuzzy on the subject of kneecaps.

IsaacShepherd,
Thanks for your support and kind words of encouragment.

I didnt mean to write so much yesterday! I guess I started typing, and all the words just sort of came out. I never told anyone my story before. I guess I was kinda embarrassed about it. I guess I had expected people here to tell me to shut up and call me an attention whore. I didnt expect anyone to really read between the lines and see the human there. I'm impressed, and I'm glad to be wrong about people.

I'm a determined person in everything I do...I've always been this way. Life to me is a continual Serenity valley. Though, it would be nice if the war would stopped for awhile so I can at least smell the roses.

The River that Tripped

RIVER6213

Saturday, March 25, 2006 8:15 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by reaverman:
River, I'm not going to tell you that you have a lot to live for, because you are the judge of that. I also won't tell you that life is peachy, 'cause it ain't. What I do have to say, even though it probably wont change your mind, is that I care. And I would be honored to call you a friend, even if only for a short time. And if you want to talk, well, friends are there for each other. I'll be there for you; all you have to do is ask.

Good grief!

So many nice words in one day! Because of you guys this day ended nicely. Nice words for me!!! This is rare. Thanks Reaverman! Someone cares about me! I'm nothing more than words on a screen and some cares abut me! This is a good thing.

I don't know how to be a friend but I'll give it a try.

Thank you

A Stunned River

REAVERMAN

Saturday, March 25, 2006 8:30 AM

River,
Being a friend is easy. All friends have to do is be there for each other. If there is ever anything you want to talk about, or if you want advice, or anything else, I'll be here.

HIXIE129

Saturday, March 25, 2006 9:40 AM

Hi River

I'm glad you decided to go into work for a few hours, it really is the only way to get back into the swing of things at work.

Hope you felt a little better today, or yesterday, whatever day it is, I see that it is Saturday.

CHRISISALL

Saturday, March 25, 2006 4:01 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
. I got to keep this stuff hidden as long as I'm able. who wants to know if their boss is crazy..lol!

Everyone knows that their boss is crazy...

.

As one who was literally one quart of blood from death, I'll tell ya that getting that close to the other side of the Exit sign offered no revelations or new awareness, only a bunch of irritating stitches. And one friend who called me a 'surprisingly stupid dumass'. *chuckles* In hindsight, he was so right.

I'm glad if any of us could help, even a little...
I'll be back.

(And check out Dark Angel, like I said)Chrisisall

OTMA

Saturday, March 25, 2006 4:11 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

OTMA,
Thank you for the words of courage. Sorry for me being so blasted egocentric.
I actully do want to die, but before I give up the ghost, I want to know that I tried everything. Life has a way of catching up with you...and its catching up with me fast!!! I can't run fast enough, so its time to hunch my shoulders, turn around and face my demons, and I have a LOT of demons.

I do want to stop hurting. You are correct saying this. And I thought I was being so smart now look what I've gone and done to myself. I'm not going to get rid of my gun...not at all. I want it with me right next to this computer. Its a reminder, its a reminder that I have choices. Its a reminder that if I really wanted too, I could take my life this second. I have the power...I have the choice. Its important for me to know that I have a choice, and sometimes its good to force yourself into some kind of "final showdown"

This is going to sound rather funny. strange as it may sound. I used up all my survival skills to get me this far, and now I don't have any survival skills that works for thse more modern time at the age that I'm at. I made it to the top of the heap and I now I'm the weakest one of them all. Crazy huh?

Thank you for talking to me. Thank you all for taking the time out of your lives to help an idiot. I know I'm being somewhat selfish, and I suspect you know this too, but I hope someday I can return the favor for any of you who falls into the same mind-trap that I'm currently in.

River

I understand what you're saying. The choice should always be yours. When the choice is yours and yours alone, and you've made that choice, it's a powerful thing. Sometimes you need to stand at the edge.
I think you've got hard times comin', but you've got what it takes to win. You can count me as a friend if that suits you.

RIVER6213

Sunday, March 26, 2006 5:02 AM

I'm going to let this thread die and allow it to fall into the maw of archived threads. This is my last post here on the firefly.net board for reasons I'm certain that you are able to all divine on your own. Try not to celebrate all at once.

I want to thank all the people here who have put up with all of my noise...I really do. You were all so engaging and a lot of you have taught me something of value. I have been on this board since September of 2005, and I’m very glad that I got to know some of you…good or bad it was a fun, frustrating, and a very engaging experience. I’m just sorry I couldn’t fit in as much as I wanted to, but that’s what I get for being a dysfunctional one of a kind type of personality
. I’m happy that I got at least a little good science fiction before I went. Malcolm Reynolds, Zoë, Wash, Kaylee, Jayne, Simon, Book, Inara, and River.

One last thing I want to say that will not make any sense to any of you but it’s very important for me to say. I really wish the Soviet Union hadn’t fallen. If it hadn’t, a chain of events wouldn’t have been set off, and I would not have been made so miserable. Strange thing about cause and effect, you never know how an event is going to effect you, or your life.

Goodbye all of you strange browncoat people. I really do hope you get a new series or at least another movie. With all the fuss you kick up, you deserve it. You guys and gals are so funny, and I had fun laughing.

Goodbye

River6213

OTMA

Sunday, March 26, 2006 6:50 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
I'm going to let this thread die and allow it to fall into the maw of archived threads. This is my last post here on the firefly.net board for reasons I'm certain that you are able to all divine on your own. Try not to celebrate all at once.

I want to thank all the people here who have put up with all of my noise...I really do. You were all so engaging and a lot of you have taught me something of value. I have been on this board since September of 2005, and I’m very glad that I got to know some of you…good or bad it was a fun, frustrating, and a very engaging experience. I’m just sorry I couldn’t fit in as much as I wanted to, but that’s what I get for being a dysfunctional one of a kind type of personality
. I’m happy that I got at least a little good science fiction before I went. Malcolm Reynolds, Zoë, Wash, Kaylee, Jayne, Simon, Book, Inara, and River.

One last thing I want to say that will not make any sense to any of you but it’s very important for me to say. I really wish the Soviet Union hadn’t fallen. If it hadn’t, a chain of events wouldn’t have been set off, and I would not have been made so miserable. Strange thing about cause and effect, you never know how an event is going to effect you, or your life.

Goodbye all of you strange browncoat people. I really do hope you get a new series or at least another movie. With all the fuss you kick up, you deserve it. You guys and gals are so funny, and I had fun laughing.

Goodbye

River6213

Is that it then? Are you really gone this time? Are you reading this, or not? Did you decide to keep flyin', or did you find that bullet with your name on it? I guess I'll only know for sure if you post again. Otherwise, I'll just have to decide what I want to believe.
If that goodbye was real, if you've left this group, and maybe this world . . . well, goodbye then, River6213. You won't be forgotten. Maybe I'm talking to empty air, maybe not. We say what we need to say, what we think is right, and we hope it's enough.
It could have been different. It should have been.
If you don't come back, I hope things are better for you wherever you are.

PREV PAGE 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 NEXT PAGE