To be or Not to Be THAT is the Question...

POSTED BY: RiveR6213
UPDATED: Sunday, April 9, 2006 14:26
VIEWED: 29919
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TIGER

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 5:58 PM

[deleted]

RIVER6213

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 9:25 PM

Drat!
My last thread got beamed into Troll Country!

WHO RUNS THIS WEBSITE!!!!!

ODDNESS2HER

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 9:28 PM

I've found solace in the words of Dorothy Parker:

Razors pain you;
rivers are damp;
acids stain you;
and drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful, nooses give;
gas smells awful;
you might as well live.

RIVER6213

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 9:29 PM

Pardon me if I didn't understand any of what you just said.
River

ODDNESS2HER

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 9:44 PM

Well, it's just a silly bit of verse, pay it no mind.

GLOBLABSURDITY

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 1:30 AM

Those are all ways of committing suicide--none of which are pretty. So--to live is the only other choice or preferable choice. According to the verse.

*Never judge a book by it's movie*
*The heart is an artist that paints over what profoundly disturbs it, leaving on the canvas a less dark,less sharp version of the truth*--D.Koontz (Forever Odd)

RIVER6213

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 3:48 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by globlabsurdity:
Those are all ways of committing suicide--none of which are pretty. So--to live is the only other choice or preferable choice. According to the verse.

*Never judge a book by it's movie*
*The heart is an artist that paints over what profoundly disturbs it, leaving on the canvas a less dark,less sharp version of the truth*--D.Koontz (Forever Odd)

Oh, so that's what he was talking about. As you can see, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Since you brought it up, yes, I guess in a way, when I really look at it, I guess I have been planning to commit suicide. But it’s also good that I'm the sort to talk a lot, and I hear that people who shoot their mouths off about suicide never really want to do it, so maybe I'm one of those people.

I started this failing thread to get ideas regarding what makes people get up in the morning over and over again. I was hoping to get a few ideas, but I suppose that in the end it’s really up to me to figure it all out on my own. No one can do that for me. No Doctors, no therapists, can ever begin to help me unless I let them, and it’s really funny but I don’t know how to allow myself to be help. Isn’t that strange? I think it is. I guess it’s a matter of being interested in something hard enough, that you want to stick around, but so far, I haven’t found anything that makes me want to stick around. Everything is rather bland and uninteresting. What a state of mind I have. Behold, look what I’ve created!

I wake up every morning wondering why I even bothered to wake up. I go to my job, and on the way there I see other people going to their jobs, and to me it really looks all so pointless...its like we are these little army ants of function: Go to work, pay our bills, eat our food, drink our coffee, drink our tea, drink our beer or wine. Watch a movie, deal with assholes, wash our cloths, brush our teeth, clean our homes, argue about things that are happening 5,000 miles away and have nothing to do with us personally, but the news media in its wisdom decided to get us to worry about it anyway. Sit at our computers, talk to our friends, yell at the kids, etc… It all seems so pointless, so mechanical. Meaningful acts without any meaning. That’s how it looks to me. I’m trying to figure out just when I changed personalities.

Year ago, I did all of those things mentioned above without really thinking about it. It was the normal thing to do, and you just did it because those were the things you did, and each part of the things that you did added up into a whole life and it had meaning.

Years ago I was just like everyone else. Years ago I was normal, or at least doing what everyone else was doing and not standing out, not behaving in an ostentatious manner. Years ago I would have never gone into a chat room like I’m doing right this second, and aired all my dirty laundry to people I didn’t know . It really is starting to look like I’m craving some serious attention from you people here, and everywhere else I go. I suspect I’m craving something no one on this planet is able to give me. It’s something that we have to give ourselves, and I don’t even know what it is…so much for being intelligent.

Also, I am not surprised that a lot of the people here avoid me or don’t wish to chat with me. To them, I must be a raving maniac, a crazy person, a mentally ill person, a drama queen who wants attention like some kind of dysfunctional child. Reading something from someone who’s lost it really can be embarrassing, and I completely understand because this would have been my reaction years ago if I had been into chat rooms and I read all the strange stuff that coming from a girl named River6213. I would have ignored her also. She would have came off as a whining losers, crybaby, weakling, and I wouldn’t have wanted to have anything to do with that, or her.

So now I have to figure out what to do next. Going and seeing therapists is not work too well for me, and I don’t dare mention to them about having s

THEREALME

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 4:34 AM

Well, I'm here and I'm still talking to you. I do not find the situation amusing in the least.

I sincerely hope that you reconsider, and if I can do something to help, then I will. Let me know. I've been through some dark times in my life, and I have been on the brink, when life seemed worthless. But in fact, it is the most precious gift that exists.

It is true that you are the key. Probably, you have acted in ways to drive people away from you. I did that myself. I needed distance to feel safe, and I was. Nobody could hurt me, but that was because nobody could touch me. I decided that I would rather have human company.

You could act in a different way. Seek out people. Find a hobby that you can engage in with others.

For me, it was roleplaying games. I could pretend that I was someone else. Someone happy, or brave, or confident, or whatever. In fact, this allowed me to practice these things, and I was able to apply it in my real life. I could experiment with feelings, which I had typically not allowed myself to feel. We have a silly roleplaying group here, a shared writing universe called the Sereni-Tree. You may join us if you like.

Not for you? Okay, but I'm sure that there is something.

Get to know the people in this site's chat room. There are wonderful folks here. Real living breathing people.

Find a friend. Someone that you do not drive away. Observe your own actions and try to see when you are about to do this. I hardly noticed my actions when I was doing it.

Good luck.

NUCLEARDAY

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 1:09 PM

Alot of what you talk about rings familiar to me. I'm no head-shrinker, and I don't know you beyond what you've posted here. But it does sound like you have a chemical imbalance of some sort. This runs all through my family (paranoid schizophrenia with my brother, bipolar in my mother and my sister, while I seem to have ended up with plain old depression.) I know it's never any help at all to hear that you're not the only person going through what you are, and that for me it only ever made things worse. But I want to be clear that I'm speaking from experience, here. I know what it's like not see any point in doing anything, and spending weeks/ months lazing in a funk 'cause nothing seems worth the effort. I also know that it doesn't have to be that way.

It'd also be highly presumptious of me to think I'm going to single-handedly bring you out of your funk. You know that's something only you can do. But I also can't turn a blind eye to someone who's obviously having a spot of trouble in their life.

I hope your talk of suicide is a cry for help, and that you choose not to go through with any plans. (Also, overdosing is nowhere near as peaceful as you think.) Please, before you take any steps towards suicide find someone, anyone to talk to. Death is a one-way road and you're worth giving yourself a chance to find a sympathetic ear.

I also understand your reluctance to seek help from a doctor, or to confide in your family. But know that if you decide to go it your own, that you're also taking the harder path. It's not impossible, I've found, to learn to live with your demons, but will need tools to help you through it.

First off, know your enemy. I recommend reading up on mental health, know why you feel the way you do, and know why it's not your fault. It's a long road to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel (I'm not even saying there is one, only that it's possible to keep putting one foot in front of the other.)

I'd also recommend reading up on meditation and/or yoga. If you're going to eschew seeing a shrink or taking medication, you'll need to learn control. It won't come easy, but depression is mostly about habit. Nothing feels important because that's how you're used to feeling. Just like any other habit, the longer it goes on, the deeper a groove it's formed in your brain. You're never going to just "snap out of it." But you can train yourself to find a balance.

Also, it's trivial, but it helped me out to some extent. There's a video out there called "What the Bleep do We Know?" (the bleep is part of the title.) Deals with questions like the meaning of life, etc in the context of quantum physics and current scientific theories. There's some interesting stuff there about emotional addiction, the impact your outlook has on your life, etc. It's nothing crazy like scientology or anything, just the cold hard science. Shows how regardless of whether there's someone flying this crazy universe or not, there can still be meaning to living in it.

Seriously, you're worth the effort of trying to pull yourself out of this. It's not easy (nothing worth having ever is) but it's possible. I don't expect to be saving your life or anything here, or having much of an impact either way. But for what it's worth, don't give up hope. Don't be so hard on yourself, don't feel bad about using the online community to vent your feelings, and remember not to give up.

________________________________________________
You can take my hope when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

SIXSHOOTER

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 4:02 PM

Damn, now there is the last thing I expected to see on the message boards for a canceled telly show.

Well now, RiveR6213,

Here’s the thing, in the ocean, there’s this little creature called the sea squirt.
See, when a baby sea squirt hatches from the egg, it’s this little tadpole like thing.
With a brain to think with, choices to make, a sense of self.
But, all it does is just swim around looking for a comfortable rock to cling on to.
And, once it finds the perfect rock, it’s there for the big haul, for life.
It has everything it will ever need on this rock; the food just comes floating right into its mouth.
The sea squirt doesn’t need to think anymore.
And so, once it’s attached to the rock, it begins to eat its brain.

And about two years or so ago, that's what I pretty much expected of myself.

I ain't really smart or pretty, I was never partially good at anything like sports or whatnot. My old man does quite well and owns his own business and so I got hired as an office monkey right out of school because I probably wasn't gonna get anything else.

I never was one for religion myself neither, I mean, I was brought up Irish Catholic, did the whole kit and caboodle of conformation, reconciliation etc. etc. etc.
But that was more for my grandparents sake, the idea of it all never clicked with me, shit, it'd be nice to think there was some all powerful being above me making sure all was good, but way I see it, there ain't.

And I never had many friends, I have a few, but moving around a lot, I grew up fairly isolated and my old man and me have a real 'cats and the cradle' relationship.

As soon as I left school I found I could distance myself from my friends nearly completely, and so I did, stopped answering calls, had my phone switched off nearly all the time.
At work I didn't speak to anyone much, and so I basically retreated from the world.

But what makes you and me different I guess is, death. That’s the one thing I’ve always been afraid of. Blackness. Nothing. Scared the shit of me since I was five years old.

So I'd sit there in bed with the TV on and just watch. I had always had trouble sleeping so I’d watch until exhaustion took me.
And that’s how I’d spend the days I wasn't working.
Lying there, eating my brain, only moving to piss, shit, eat, shower and work.

I lived like that for six months.
I was completely safe from anyone or anything upsetting me, frightening me, and hurting me, nothing was going to come close and I that was how I wanted it.

But then some mates of mine just one day showed up out of the blue, barged in my room, told me we ain’t done anything for ages and dragged me out of bed.
Like I said, I kept to myself a lot, so they didn’t know about the funk I had gotten myself into, they were just there to catch up.
They pulled me to a movie, then a bar, got me plastered and we wound up at a park and shot the breeze about absolute nonsense till the sun came up.

And that’s all it took.
The next day I was hung over, absolutely exhausted, but for the first time in a long time, I was really happy.

I realized that yeah, you don’t need friends.
And yeah, all family really means deep down is that you got someone’s brown eyes and another’s predisposition to heart failure.
Yeah, out there you’re gonna run into a lot of shitty, scummy, arsehole people who are gonna make life hard and hurt you.
No, you don’t need to associate with another soul in the world.

You mightn’t need other people, but hey, they sure as hell make life a whole lot more interesting.
And believe it or not, some of them are really are good fun to be around.

Now, there isn’t a grand plan, none of this means anything, us nobodies, we aren’t going to have monuments erected to us, hell, maybe nobody will put flowers on my grave when I’m gone.

But y’know what? Fuck it. The pointlessness is not the point at all.

You just need to try to get as much fun out of it all as you can.
Live as hard you can.
Have a fucking ball. Go out, call those friends of yours, and if yo

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