To be or Not to Be THAT is the Question...
POSTED BY: RiveR6213
UPDATED: Sunday, April 9, 2006 14:26
VIEWED: 29919
PAGE 7 of 17
I must say this thread has become quite heavenly and that is in no way disturbing.
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We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
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Quote:
Originally posted by reaverman:
River, I'm not going to tell you that I understand everything you have gone through, because, honestly, I don't. One thing I do understand very, very well is the desire to end my own life. The last few years have been rough. I lost faith in God, myself, and humanity in general. You are right. Life is tiring. To me, the world is a dark place, devoid of meaning. So, why haven't I ended it already? Why do I get up every day and go through the motions, pretending to lead a normal life? For a couple of reasons. (1)Sheer stubbornness. I turn all the anger and hate(for people, and especially God) inside me into a reserve of willpower that keeps me going. And (2)I dont know how, but I've come to thrive in the dark place where my mind resides. I get some perverse form of happiness from wallowing in the pointlessness of it all. I thoroughly enjoy dark/cynical stuff. The last thing is that, deep down, I really do have some hope that there might be somethin' better just around the corner. It might be a fool's hope, but it's there nonetheless. More than once, that has kept me from pulling the trigger. If you want to end it, that's your choice, but if you want to talk, I could do that. Who knows, maybe you can find something to live for. If not, well then, as I said before, it's your choice.
I was just about to go to sleep when I saw your post. I'm so sleepy! I havent slept in 2 days! I am aware that I'm not the only one on this planet that wishes to end it all, and from the sounds of it, you've been given the "full meal deal" of hardships that make you wish for death the same as I.
Lost faith in yourself, god and humanity...that sounds about right. I am here right now like you because I'm stubborn...this is what has kept my sorry, worthless ass alive this long. My continual existence is like laughing at life. "I'm still here my souls screams at life...what are you gonna do about it?"
For myself it has gone passed that though. I know that I've won already, but I'm not too happy with the prize, nor the result. I've fought up the hill against all odds, and I am standing on top of that hill right now, and what do I have to show for it??? Money, and thats it...nothing more.
I made all of that money so I could feel safe from everything except my own mind. And sure I have a choice. I can take this gun right here thats sitting next to me and put a bullet into my brainpan. The reason I don't at the moment is because I've begun so see in the past few days that I'm too scared to pull the trigger. Stupid I know, but I can't seem to get myself to do it, but I WILL find a way to end this life. I have to go...its important. And you are correct, I DO have a choice, but for me, it really doesnt matter.
As for yourself. You seem like you still have a bit of fighting spirit left in you. All I can say for you is to hold on just a little bit longer...perhaps a better day awaits you around the corner. You don't seem dead; you seem to still have some fight left in you...and that's important. So like Mal said "You Hold!"
I am such a mouthy bitch! I seem to always have to have the last
word! I'm so tired...I need to sleep but thank you for writing your post. It means a lot to me.The Little River That Could
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I would highly recommend a book titled:
The Problem of Pain
By: C.S. Lewis
I find when you forfeit religion something else takes that void. We as humans instinctively want to worship, fear, love, and loath something. Do you think it’s a coincidence that Christianity and Environmentalism share some of the most basic beliefs? Environmentalist believe that we should take responsibility for our actions and our treatment of the environment, that the world will one day come to a catastrophic end, that we all need to “Change our ways”. It parallels with Christianity.
In your case your religion is yourself…you worship, fear, love, and loath yourself.
1. I own my own business, so money is not a problem.
You own your own business? I find nine times out of ten small business owners over work themselves. They have the mentality of “If I’m not here the whole operation will fall apart” when in reality its “I’m so important if I’m not here nothing will get done”.
“2. I got rid of all my friends because I need no one.
4. I'm totally uninterested in sex.”
You need nobody but yourself? The apathetic tone of 2 and 4 only implies you feel that others are unsuited to tend to your needs. You are your own companionship.
“5. I'm totally not interested in art, music, or anything creative.”
Anything that has been created to convey the emotions or soul of another do not interest you because they aren’t your emotions or soul.
“7. Children are nice but I have no interest in having one.”
This is probably for the best. Everything that I have read form you show what I like to call an “I’ll martyr myself but you owe me!” attitude. The child would either end up emotionally abandoned or loathing you because of you clinginess.
”8. I disowned the family I was brought up with and it doesn’t bother me in any way, shape, or form. If one of my sisters or bothers died, it would not bother me at all. I wouldn’t be glad if they died, I just simply wouldn’t care.”
Again this doesn’t show a disrespect for human life just it only furthers my point about you being passive of others.
”9. Life is a war that must be won at all costs, yet I'm unclear what the "won" part means, and I'm unsure why it should be fought in the 1st place.”
You can tell everything you need to know about somebody just by the metaphor they put on life.
“3. Religion is a mute point with me.”
By now you can tell I already disagree with you here. You indulge in self worship, you like being the center. You make scenarios in which people will rally around You, show You affection, try and align themselves with You. And after you get what you want from them emotion wise you head off to bed and sleep.
And this was off of one post of yours I’m sure more evidence is apparent through all of your writings that would only benefit my analysis. And if you give any response to this at all I’m sure the body of that reply would only make my assumptions sound.
That all being said:
Is there anything wrong with what you do? Some would say yes, but in my professional opinion it’s your way of obtaining normalcy and that’s a step.
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Quote:I like that signature
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
The Little River That Could
Don't deny or try to 'get rid' of your pain. That would be impossible. Just try to accept it as part of yourself, but not an all-controlling part.
For someone who balks at shrinks, you seem remarkably in touch with yourself, and the source of your difficulties, and this is not only a good sign, but a powerful tool for change. You say you hate who you are, so be someone else. Create yourself in the way that you want to be. Start with the little things...for small example, do you leave the house with a blank expression looking down usually? Next time, walk out, intentionally looking up at the sky, and smile. It's acting, but repetition will make you comfortable in the role.
Just the act of smiling, however forced or artificial, will begin the change.
Machines can be dis-assembled.
You let us in a little, on here. Now do the same in your life. Crawl, then walk, then run with it.
I, for one, have faith in ya.
Don't MAKE ME come with the cordical electrodes! Chrisisall
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River, I read your long post, and you don't have anything to apologize for. I'm not going to start ignoring you now. I'm back here again, and I hope you will be too.
There are monsters in this world. I don't see you as one of them. You suffered more than anyone should. You showed strength and resolve and succeeded where many would have failed. You are not trash. You never will be.
Part of the reason I identify as a Browncoat is because I despise injustice. When I hear about people being abused, tortured, stripped of their rights and their individuality, ground and beaten down by prejudice or conformity or plain old cruelty, it offends me down to the bone. Whether it comes from government or religion or individual action, I can't tolerate it. It grinds at me when the bastards win.
You deserve better, River. You survived more pain than I've ever known and now you're hurting again, but you deserve to make it this time too. You deserve to win. Not them. Not the ones who hurt you so badly you don't value yourself. If you used that gun, I wouldn't think of it as suicide, I'd think of it as a delayed murder. I cared about your life before today. Now I care more.
River, please get rid of the gun. If you can't bring yourself to do that, at least get rid of the bullets. If you can't decide to live right now, at least make it so you'll have to put effort into not living. Make yourself have to think about it, not just do it on the spur of a moment you might have regretted later.
I care about you, not in an abstract "it's better if people don't die" way, but as an individual, as the person I saw in your picture, as the person I see in your posts. I don't think you really want to die. I think you just want it to stop hurting. Keep posting here, and I will too. I'm in, all the way. I'm not giving up on you. Please don't give up on yourself. You deserve to win.
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As I said before, I too will continue to post here, if you want me to. I ain't got much to offer, but I am a good listener.
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sands:
I would highly recommend a book titled:
The Problem of Pain
By: C.S. Lewis
I find when you forfeit religion something else takes that void. We as humans instinctively want to worship, fear, love, and loath something. Do you think it’s a coincidence that Christianity and Environmentalism share some of the most basic beliefs? Environmentalist believe that we should take responsibility for our actions and our treatment of the environment, that the world will one day come to a catastrophic end, that we all need to “Change our ways”. It parallels with Christianity.
In your case your religion is yourself…you worship, fear, love, and loath yourself.
1. I own my own business, so money is not a problem.
You own your own business? I find nine times out of ten small business owners over work themselves. They have the mentality of “If I’m not here the whole operation will fall apart” when in reality its “I’m so important if I’m not here nothing will get done”.
“2. I got rid of all my friends because I need no one.
4. I'm totally uninterested in sex.”
You need nobody but yourself? The apathetic tone of 2 and 4 only implies you feel that others are unsuited to tend to your needs. You are your own companionship.
“5. I'm totally not interested in art, music, or anything creative.”
Anything that has been created to convey the emotions or soul of another do not interest you because they aren’t your emotions or soul.
“7. Children are nice but I have no interest in having one.”
This is probably for the best. Everything that I have read form you show what I like to call an “I’ll martyr myself but you owe me!” attitude. The child would either end up emotionally abandoned or loathing you because of you clinginess.
”8. I disowned the family I was brought up with and it doesn’t bother me in any way, shape, or form. If one of my sisters or bothers died, it would not bother me at all. I wouldn’t be glad if they died, I just simply wouldn’t care.”
Again this doesn’t show a disrespect for human life just it only furthers my point about you being passive of others.
”9. Life is a war that must be won at all costs, yet I'm unclear what the "won" part means, and I'm unsure why it should be fought in the 1st place.”
You can tell everything you need to know about somebody just by the metaphor they put on life.
“3. Religion is a mute point with me.”
By now you can tell I already disagree with you here. You indulge in self worship, you like being the center. You make scenarios in which people will rally around You, show You affection, try and align themselves with You. And after you get what you want from them emotion wise you head off to bed and sleep.
And this was off of one post of yours I’m sure more evidence is apparent through all of your writings that would only benefit my analysis. And if you give any response to this at all I’m sure the body of that reply would only make my assumptions sound.
That all being said:
Is there anything wrong with what you do? Some would say yes, but in my professional opinion it’s your way of obtaining normalcy and that’s a step.
Sands, back off. River doesn't need to be psychoanylized right now.
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River,
I'm sorry to hear about what has happened to you. I wish I could say more helpful words but I cannot begin to relate to what has happened to you. All I can do is try to help. I'm not much of a talker in real life, but I'm an excellent listener and there are others on this site that are as well. We'd all like to help you.
One amazing thing about being a Browncoat is we're all like family. We all generally care about other people and what happens to other people. Hang in there cause there are people there for you, who'll support you. I thing I've always admired about Mal was his determination and to go through everything that you have, you must have as much or more than Mal does. If there is anything more we can do let us know.
IS
The Bible's a bit fuzzy on the subject of kneecaps.
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River, I'm not going to tell you that you have a lot to live for, because you are the judge of that. I also won't tell you that life is peachy, 'cause it ain't. What I do have to say, even though it probably wont change your mind, is that I care. And I would be honored to call you a friend, even if only for a short time. And if you want to talk, well, friends are there for each other. I'll be there for you; all you have to do is ask.
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sands:
I would highly recommend a book titled:
The Problem of Pain
By: C.S. Lewis
I find when you forfeit religion something else takes that void. We as humans instinctively want to worship, fear, love, and loath something. Do you think it’s a coincidence that Christianity and Environmentalism share some of the most basic beliefs? Environmentalist believe that we should take responsibility for our actions and our treatment of the environment, that the world will one day come to a catastrophic end, that we all need to “Change our ways”. It parallels with Christianity.
In your case your religion is yourself…you worship, fear, love, and loath yourself.
1. I own my own business, so money is not a problem.
You own your own business? I find nine times out of ten small business owners over work themselves. They have the mentality of “If I’m not here the whole operation will fall apart” when in reality its “I’m so important if I’m not here nothing will get done”.
“2. I got rid of all my friends because I need no one.
4. I'm totally uninterested in sex.”
You need nobody but yourself? The apathetic tone of 2 and 4 only implies you feel that others are unsuited to tend to your needs. You are your own companionship.
“5. I'm totally not interested in art, music, or anything creative.”
Anything that has been created to convey the emotions or soul of another do not interest you because they aren’t your emotions or soul.
“7. Children are nice but I have no interest in having one.”
This is probably for the best. Everything that I have read form you show what I like to call an “I’ll martyr myself but you owe me!” attitude. The child would either end up emotionally abandoned or loathing you because of you clinginess.
”8. I disowned the family I was brought up with and it doesn’t bother me in any way, shape, or form. If one of my sisters or bothers died, it would not bother me at all. I wouldn’t be glad if they died, I just simply wouldn’t care.”
Again this doesn’t show a disrespect for human life just it only furthers my point about you being passive of others.
”9. Life is a war that must be won at all costs, yet I'm unclear what the "won" part means, and I'm unsure why it should be fought in the 1st place.”
You can tell everything you need to know about somebody just by the metaphor they put on life.
“3. Religion is a mute point with me.”
By now you can tell I already disagree with you here. You indulge in self worship, you like being the center. You make scenarios in which people will rally around You, show You affection, try and align themselves with You. And after you get what you want from them emotion wise you head off to bed and sleep.
And this was off of one post of yours I’m sure more evidence is apparent through all of your writings that would only benefit my analysis. And if you give any response to this at all I’m sure the body of that reply would only make my assumptions sound.
That all being said:
Is there anything wrong with what you do? Some would say yes, but in my professional opinion it’s your way of obtaining normalcy and that’s a step.
Sands,
I woke up this morning and decided to take a chance and go to work. I took the advice of one kind soul in this thread and decided to go in for a few hours, but before I did any of that, I logged onto this board to read any possible responses to my queries from last night’s bit of conversations. I was confronted by your post. It’s an interesting post because there are two things within it that are 100% true, and one that’s questionable, and the remaining editorial opinions are really not me, but I am open to investigate if this is true about me. That’s what makes asking for advice or wisdom from other people so great…You never know what you are going get, so thank you for giving me your view.
It’s clear to me that you are one of those thoughtful Christians that have things pretty much tied up in a box. Either you are for god, or you are worshiping something else. It
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