Third Floor: Hidey Place of Nice-ish Boys and Girls
POSTED BY: BlackEyedGirl
UPDATED: Friday, December 2, 2005 14:17
VIEWED: 25819
PAGE 9 of 17
Right there with you Kelly. Sometimes I think emotional/psychological abuse is worse than physical. Broken bones heal, but a broken spirit is so much harder to fix. For me the physical stuff didn't bother me, what got me was being demeaned and being told I was useless and worthless without him. How I was nobody and no one would ever care about me the way he did. he put so many ideas in my head and that was the worst part. So often they tear you down 'til you have no self-esteem or confidence, and that's exactly where they want you. Cos then they can blame anything on you. Hell, he blamed me for all the lies he told me. His rationale was 'well if I hadn't of told you those things you wouldn't of gone out with me, cos you are such a superior bitch.' Which somehow to me seemed justified at some point. Everytime I tried to leave he would do somethign that would make it seem like things were going to go back to the way they were. I tried to help him be a better person and tried to get him into therapy and stuff but nothing helped, and eventually I had to leave. It's amazing the delusion we succumb to.
Your sister will hopefully learn that he is just a shit. She's probably still thinking that things will go back to the way they were, and that he's just still upset about the baby and stuff. He might also be feeding the guilt she already feels about the baby and so she takes it cos she thinks she deserves it. She probably thinks she can help him/fix him and well, as we all learn eventually that is an impossibility. You can't change people unless that's what they really want. She'll be okay, but if it seems like its getting physical or worse, grab her, and take her to a woman's shelter for abused women, and ask her if she wants to end up there. I had to do this to a friend who dated Asshole #1 after we broke up. I grabbed her and said is this the life you want cos this is where you will end up (cos he did the exact same shit to her after I warned her and she said that he said that I was a lying whore), she didn't and eventually left him. When we were there she started crying and telling me how scared of him she was, and I knew it and understood it, but I couldn't help her anymore than I already was. When it's time to go the only person who can really do it is yourself.
So, how 'bout them goslings?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
http://pluralofapocalypse.blogspot.com
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Inara: "Do aliens live among us?"
Kaylee: "Yes. One of them's a doctor."
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Quote:
Originally posted by BlackEyedGirl:
Right there with you Kelly. Sometimes I think emotional/psychological abuse is worse than physical. Broken bones heal, but a broken spirit is so much harder to fix. For me the physical stuff didn't bother me, what got me was being demeaned and being told I was useless and worthless without him. How I was nobody and no one would ever care about me the way he did. he put so many ideas in my head and that was the worst part. So often they tear you down 'til you have no self-esteem or confidence, and that's exactly where they want you. Cos then they can blame anything on you. Hell, he blamed me for all the lies he told me. His rationale was 'well if I hadn't of told you those things you wouldn't of gone out with me, cos you are such a superior bitch.' Which somehow to me seemed justified at some point. Everytime I tried to leave he would do somethign that would make it seem like things were going to go back to the way they were. I tried to help him be a better person and tried to get him into therapy and stuff but nothing helped, and eventually I had to leave. It's amazing the delusion we succumb to.
Your sister will hopefully learn that he is just a shit. She's probably still thinking that things will go back to the way they were, and that he's just still upset about the baby and stuff. He might also be feeding the guilt she already feels about the baby and so she takes it cos she thinks she deserves it. She probably thinks she can help him/fix him and well, as we all learn eventually that is an impossibility. You can't change people unless that's what they really want. She'll be okay, but if it seems like its getting physical or worse, grab her, and take her to a woman's shelter for abused women, and ask her if she wants to end up there. I had to do this to a friend who dated Asshole #1 after we broke up. I grabbed her and said is this the life you want cos this is where you will end up (cos he did the exact same shit to her after I warned her and she said that he said that I was a lying whore), she didn't and eventually left him. When we were there she started crying and telling me how scared of him she was, and I knew it and understood it, but I couldn't help her anymore than I already was. When it's time to go the only person who can really do it is yourself.
So, how 'bout them goslings?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
http://pluralofapocalypse.blogspot.com
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Inara: "Do aliens live among us?"
Kaylee: "Yes. One of them's a doctor."
They were living together in an apartment and building a house together when the baby died. He was fine before the death, but afterwards went off the deep end. Things like that bring out either the best or worst in people, and unfortunately it brought out the worst in him.
But my sister moved out and is living with my parents now. She knows he's not treating her right now, which is the first step into leaving him. I'm there in spirit (I live 1200 miles away) to support her and tell her I don't like the way he's treating her, but I also have to keep my space with her because she's a very private person. But eventually she will be rid of him.
Anyway, I'm sure there's some guys here who also have stories of emotional abuse and manipulation from their girlfriends. It's sad that so many of us have had to go through something like that in our lives.
I try to look at it from this point of view: when I do finally find someone who treats me right and loves me, I will appreciate him that much more because of all the shit I've had to go through to find him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love my Captain
Check out my Big Damn FF Icons at http://www.livejournal.com/community/bigdamnfficons/
NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Oh MAN!!! That's some good tomato soup!!!
Oh, right, I didn't come here to talk about that...But, it is some damn good soup.
Consider me(I suppose) strange in being sheltered from the concept of battered women (and for that, I thank my family..Way to not beat up your wives, guys!) until I was 23 years old. And then, I suppose I found out about it because it was happening right out in the open where I was working. Women were MISSING WORK because their boyfriends were beating the shit out of them. Our bosses knew...KNEW what was going on, and did nothing about it. I was floored. How can you know and not do anything. I talked to the women it was happening to, who, of course, became quite angry with me.
I'm not painting a picture of myself as saint. Far from it...In some cases it was stuff I was doing (Inviting everyone out, etc) that was leading to some of this stuff.
What I couldn't understand was the absolute feeling of Acceptance that was going on. I had just got out of a very structured world with the military, and while I know that kind of thing happens everywhere, military included, I just never saw any of it. It was a part of civilian life that I hated...Still do. How can everyone, including the victims, just accept something that is so obviously wrong?
Beats me.
Think I'll go watch Snorks or Sleeping Beauty, or something that'll make me feel better. You see, this is why I don't go too far into the serious side of things. Cause the serious side of things, while very real...Well, SUCKS!
Oh..go hang in suspense...
Kaylee: "What's so damn important about being proper? It don't mean nothing out here in the black."
Simon: "It means more out here. It's all I have..."
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Quote:
Originally posted by manwithpez:
Omaha!!! Nooooooooo (deep breath) oooooooo (checks watch) ooooooo!!!
The first four years I was in the Air Force, they stuck me at Offutt AFB, NE.
Bet I can do an Omaha NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO longer than you!!
I grew up in Bellevue, 3 blocks from Offutt AFB (on Offutt Blvd, believe it or not) and used to sneak on base to go to the cheap swimming pool. Oh ya, those were the days!In the spirit of the suddenly outflowing honesty, I didn't have the best family ever, and that only adds to my disgust with the town ... I've never been physically abused, and haven't had any romantic relationships that even approached abusive. That's because I saw the crazy headgame world my parents lived in, and I am NEVER going there!
So maybe my problem is too much caution? Sigh! Just can't win.
** juggling goslings and tap dancing to lighten mood **
Quote:
Its that Nebraska is covered in corn. And embittered men. Okay, okay...it was just me.
hee-hee! A friend had a poster of a really hot olympic looking skier doing a full crouch in a flat cornfield. "SKI NEBRASKA" How can one not be bitter after living there?
Ask Dr. Science ... he knows more than you do.
"I have a Master's degree ... in science!"
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
I saw that poster. I also saw a picture of some of the most barren winter wasteland, with an arrow pointing in the middle of it that said "Offutt AFB". Don't know why I still think that's funny. That base had/has the highest suicide rate in the Air Force.
And, you used to sneak onto that base...I was doing everything I could to get off of it. And failing, most of the time. I did manage to become a raging alcoholic. That's the military for you....Turning out a functioning Alcoholic every four years!!! With Pride!
I attended Bellevue University for...well, for one class. Seemed nice enough. Lot of Nepalese exchange students there...Correction...lots of Hot Nepalese exchange students there. Not that were digging my particular flavor of Pez.
Damn you NEPAL!!!
Yeah, yeah...suspense...
Kaylee: "What's so damn important about being proper? It don't mean nothing out here in the black."
Simon: "It means more out here. It's all I have..."
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
It's not so much that you accept it, it's that you are sort of brainwashed into thinking that you deserve this, that you did something to make it happen. So you blame yourself. For me at least I was so shocked when he would do something. I mean he'd slap me and I'd just sit there stunned, like I couldn't believe this was my life. Cos this was the life of some woman in a Lifetime movie, not my life. And I hid it, and he didn't leave marks, and I didn't tell people, I just went on my merry way until he started doing things that I knew meant he didn't even like me, but was just using me. For instance (this is lame)- I am allergic to gold, like very very allergic, fingers sweel up, I get rashes, the works. So he asked me to marry him, to which I was like, um I dunno. Then he buys me a gold ring, after I specifically told him to get me silver or platinum. instead he bought me a yellow gold ring. I snapped. I asked him why and he said, well I liked it, I think you should wear gold. This was the story of our entire relationship. The man bought me a dog for Christmas after we had only been dating 3 months. I like little yippie dogs like pomeranians and chihuahas and pugs and stuff. He bought me a 60 lb Shar-pei that wasn't even 6 months old and thus would get gigantic. I had no where to keep such an animal, so I asked him, um why? He was like, I always wanted a Shar-pei. We can keep him at my house. To which I told him a resounding no, and that he would call the breeder immediately and return the dog. He did, and I didn't get a replacement christmas present.
Here's the thing, I hadn't dated anyone in a couple of years, it was my first official grown up relationship and at first while he was sort of selfish he seemed like a good guy. I didn't realize he was lying about everything until later. I was so in love with the idea of bein in love (in some sick way) that I put up with it.
Do I feel like a class-A moron today about it? Oh hell yeah. But also it means that my bullshit detector is on high always, I can spot an asshole in a room within 30 seconds. It was the first and last time I will ever date a man who is prettier than I am (cos he was, and went tanning and had his hair done and stuff, he was very odd). Also it sets me up for knowing that when I meet the right guy I will sooo appreciate him.
Also remember 1 in 3 (I think this is the new statistic) women are the victims of sexual or relationship violence. Not just rape or something but abusive relationships. Which means there are a lot of us out there, not all are so willing to fess up to it. I'm not proud about it, but I think that if someone doesn't put a face on it who will?
BTW: I'm totally over it, I am back to my old self, and I don't lvie in fear of men. Only that man, cos he was an asshole. But now he's married, with a kid, but is in prison (thank god), so I don't have to worry about him anymore. I can't let it burden me, cos if I did, it would be suffocating. I learned from it, and I will never ever put myself or stay in a situation like that again. EVER.
Also abuse among military personelle is a lot higher than you think. it's a lot higher in the general populace that you think, cos it's the dirty little secret. In my old home town the cops would joke that DV (domestic violence) was the monster hiding behind half the doors in our idyllic suburban town. Cos over 60% of their calls were DV related and it was a wealthy, high end, low unemployment area, and people were beating the hell out of each other.
This includes women beating men. Which is a HUGE unspoken problem cos guys feel emasculated by it. Manipulative, mentally abusive women are scary. One guy I know left his long term girlfriend cos when she got drunk she would beat on him and throw plates at his head and stuff. One night she broke every dish in the house, the next morning she didn't remember any of it. He didn't know what to do, she would black out but do horrible things. Even when she wasn't drunk she would do things like wake him up at 4 am to fight, so he would get no sleep for
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Okay the thread is growing fast, maybe too fast. It may become necessary to create new floors every three days at this pace. I propose a alternative: If I were to create a parallel, non-sequential, thread it may relieve some of the pressure. I will only do this if I feel there is enough interest to support the thread and if there are no objections. I'm thinking, (yes I know it's shocking that I think) about naming this alternative thread :the Elevator. It goes with the building motif and it can connect the floors together. We can go up and explore lofty ambitions and high ideals. We can go down and dabble in seady side of life.
I know I'm asking for a franchise here, but I don't want to steal anyone away from any body else.
Scorpion Regent
NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Imagine living in nepal, and being excited that you are going to the USA, and then ending up in Nebraska. I mean, hello suck! Although it probably seems really really cool to them, but they so got screwed in the foreign exchange student lottery!
Helps juggle goslings, tap dances accross the room like Columbia in RHPS, with top hat to juggle too.
Pay No attention to the man behind the curtain.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
http://pluralofapocalypse.blogspot.com
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Inara: "Do aliens live among us?"
Kaylee: "Yes. One of them's a doctor."
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Quote:
Originally posted by BlackEyedGirl:
Mal4Prez: OMG I hear you on that! Whenever I am with someone either officially dating or just seeing, all of a sudden the guys come out of the woodwork! Is it because it's safer to flirt with a girl you already know is taken? I mean if she's already taken you are already expecting rejection so it's not such a big deal right? When I was with my last beau it seemed like every weekend there were guys talking to me and asking me out and stuff, now that I'm completely single again, nada. I don't get it!!
I've noticed this for sometime. Having been seriously involved, well rarely, more people seemed flirty then. I think it's about confidence. As happy as someone can be alone, I think there's a comfort that comes with having a partner, and that comfort shows outwardly, and is attractive.
On another note about controling A-holes: Someone who tries to keep you away from friends and family .....Bad sign...get away quick. I don't expect someone to like all my friends, I don't expect to like all of theirs. Not having to spend every second together, should leave time for each to see those friends. If thoughts of infidelity arise when someone is away for 1 hour, BAD relationship. Bail. No matter how much you want a relationship, that is not one. (I love ABBY!)
KOL: on emotional abuse. Ok to be serious here. We let ourselves go for a bit, but serious is good too. Emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical. I think in most cases, it takes longer to recover from the emotional. First sign of either.....Bail!
BEG: Got me thinking....Maybe there are different levels/degrees of lies. We've all heard about "little white lies". But at some level the lies are big and bad. I think Lies in a relationship are equal to emotional abuse. That may sound strange, but really the lie is saying, "You aren't worth the truth." or "This relationship is so unstable, that I'm afraid it won't survive the truth."
As was stated before: "use your words" describe your thoughts and feelings instead of just reacting to them. Reactions without context add instability.
Quote:
Occasionally I delve into the land of the serious. Most of the time I deflect with humor. it's the only way to make life tolerable, cos face it, most of life isn't sunshine and puppies. So we make our own sunshine and puppies. and it's good n stuff.
Humor is good. So every 3rd floor is for humour and a bit of dirt, other two floors serious?
Let's see that makes the next two naughty floors....6,9....yea, that'd be appropriate
Visit WWW.Marillion.Com for a better way to live
"Dreaming the dream that only the sleepless know."
"Say you understand me, And I will leave myself completely.
Forgive me if I stare, But I can see the island behind your tired, troubled eyes." -Fantastic Place (Marbles) -Marillion
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Scorpion: I'm not sure I'm quite understanding the concept of the elevator. Maybe it's my forum newbiness, but I just can't quite wrap my head around that.
Also, while we're all being serious and stuff, might as well let loose my reason for being here or whatever. My love-life tales of woe. My only real relationship to speak of was a couple years ago. We were together for 3 or 4 months. From what I gathered (as we didn't discuss this stuff much at all), I was a rebound relationship. The both of us starting college was the only reason we ever split up (I stayed in NC, she went to Illinois). We haven't spoken in about a year, but not long ago I found out she's back with the douchebag she was with before we ever became an item. And I've met the guy. He's a douche.
Of course, I'm still in college. I know I've got a whole mess of women ahead of me (hopefully).
I don't know. I've never really been in an abusive relationship. I've never been the abuser (never would be). So I can't say that my advice is of any use to anybody.
Give me those goslings. Time to juggle.
_______________________
"Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?"
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME