Blue Sun Room FICTION - GENERAL

Jayne Goes Home

Monday, November 28, 2005

The Serenity crew find themselves in Jayne's home town. Hopefully it might be a part one, but it's not a polished first draft, I haven't added any mandarine yet- this is just to test the waters, so please send me any ideas/criticisms etc.. thanks! and be gentle this is the first fic I've posted ever!!

CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 2954    RATING: 8.0 (G)    SERIES: FIREFLY

Tweet

Jayne lay in his bunk, glaring at Kaylee knowing that his glare only served to double her meddling. "Come on Jayne, Cap'n says he needs everyone on side for this. This town can be a mite ornery 'bout strangers and if they find they don't meet all of us well we might be lose the job."

"Tell Mal I'm sick." Kaylee fixed him her widest shiniest smile and called out for Simon. When the doc walked in he looked warily at Jayne's gun collection. Putting on his best serious-doctor face Simon checked his temperature. "Kaylee would you please go tell the captain that Jayne is indeed ill and unable to join us."

"Right you are Simon, and Jayne I'm sorry I thought you were faking." With that little remark Kaylee bounced out of the room.

"Why are you so anxious to avoid this place? It's not another town where you're a folk hero is it?" Simon sat on the chair across from Jayne and stared at him.

"Naw. I'm just sick is all."

"Jayne, I can go and tell Mal that you have made a miraculous recovery, or you can stop being a pathetic infant and tell me." The options as Jayne could see them were this: Tell the truth and have the whole gorram crew know his past, lie and have the whole gorram crew think they know his past or he could shut his mouth and then the cap'n would find out he was fakin and drag him on this job, by his neck, then the crew would find out everything all on their own. "Look I pulled a job here a few years back and went south, the other guy shot through with everythin and I was left with nothin."

"Ok, forget I asked I will tell Mal you're sick- you can keep up this charade as long as you need, but just remember Kaylee will mother you and I won't stop her and if she finds out we've been lying I'll say you threatened me and I won't be the one getting berated."

The crew spen a long day in town getting to know the locals, as policy on some border moons dictated. As it approached duck however Mal sent his crew back to Serenity to start making some supper. He however had some business to set up

Comments
Monday, 28 November 2005 14:45
I think you did a very good job. I can't wait to see who exactly this redhead is and I love the fact that Mal invited her just to find out. My only critisism would be to 'verse up the language some more. Keep it up.
Monday, 28 November 2005 16:54
aaw, jayne's just a mama's boy at heart...sweet

b
Monday, 28 November 2005 17:30
Oh, please continue. Very nice job with this. :-D
ANONYMOUS
Monday, 28 November 2005 17:31
I liked it. The part which has Simon looking warily over Jayne's gun collection, before confirming Jayne's illness to Kaylee was funny. As you said you wanted ideas for improvement, I'd say you could include more descriptions, the planet, the town, the store, ect. Still, I think this is a good start, and I'd like to read more. It's always good when Jayne is put in an embarassing position. (p.s. you might want to change the line, "As it approached duck Mal sent the crew of Serenity back to the ship to start making some supper." Unless of course they are serving duck. I'm sorry. I'm not usually such a smart-ass, but I just couldn't stop giggling.)
Monday, 28 November 2005 20:32
Nice job. I like how you kept everything not too wordy. Although, it did seem a bit choppy, like your fingers couldn't keep up with your thoughts. I have that problem too, just proof read to make sure it makes sense.

Still, nice for a first atempt. Keep it coming!

Monday, 28 November 2005 20:35
Ah, can't wait for Jayne to find out who's coming to dinner! Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me
Tuesday, 29 November 2005 08:11
Really good start. As everyone else said, 'verse it up a bit and you'll be shiny.

And I laughed at this typo: "As it approached duck however Mal sent his crew back to Serenity to start making some supper."

I know it's a mistake but I found it funny.

Luc
ANONYMOUS
Tuesday, 29 November 2005 17:38
The way I see it they're walking down the road when they're approached by the aforementioned duck. So they grab it, and bundle it back to Serenity as that night's entree (they are crooks after all). LOL.

Post Your Comments

You must log in to post comments.