Monday's child
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Ok so I love that children's rhyme about the days of the week- the first line is: Monday's child fair of face.
There are lots of ways I could have gone with this but it's basically Mal talking about Inara, now I'm not sure about this part, it was the hardest one to write- so any feedback is hugely appreciated, I just don't think I write Mal particularly well.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 3408 RATING: 8.0 (G) SERIES: FIREFLY
Monday's Child
Inara Sera. That name frustrated him to no end. He rued the day she'd strolled onto his ship and swindled him out of his money, talking him down 10% on the shuttles rent. Made him down right feng luh at times as only a woman that weren't Zoe can. Least ways he understood Zoe, it was 'Nara that infuriated him so.
Inara felt her face burn as Mal watched her from across the table.
She was beautiful. He'd seen a lotta women in his travels, none so purty as she- as blazing as a sunset on Shadow, and yet her tongue was sharp as an ornery rattlesnake. Why did the woman have to be ruttin confusing. She made him all turned about. Made him say things he had no place in saying- made him get into ruttin sword-fights!
Still she was awful pretty when you didn't hear her mouth movin- there was a word his ma woulda used to describe her- fair. Inara Sera was fair of face.
I think so.
Glad to see the start of your series.
Just two suggestions:
The line in the middle "Inara felt her face burn..." is a little jarring because everything else is from Mal's perspective, and then suddenly we're reading from 'Nara's perspective, and then it's back to Mal's...
and the other suggestion, I'm pretty sure that Inara got Mal to lower his shuttle price by a 1/4 of his asking price, which would be 25%... :o)
Very nice otherwise... and I'm off to read Tuesday and onward!
MA-AL!!!!
b
I'm a brown coat, through and through
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