Blue Sun Room FICTION - GENERAL

Saw darkness in me

Friday, September 17, 2004

When Mal looks into the mirror, who does he see?

A weird little Mal POV.

CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 3377    RATING: 9.0 (G)    SERIES: FIREFLY

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SAW DARKNESS IN ME

* * * * *

He di'n't come down the chimney. He's always been here. I've worked damn hard at keepin' the tamade hundan out, but he was always there. Watching. Waiting for his moment. I gave it to him.

Gave into the weakness. It started with Nandi's death. No. I'm a liar. It started with me beddin' her. She touched me. I let myself be touched. How gorram stupid is that? An' then I failed her. Ain't no use anyone tellin' me I di'n't, cos I know the truth of it.

Losin' her shook me up some. Reminded me we none of us are here in this 'verse for ever. Might all be dead tomorrow. Tonight. Don't they reckon the dyin' never regrets the things they did , only the things they di'n't ? Tha's what made me all truthsome with Inara. Jus' wanted to tell her what she means to me. How I want to hold her an' never let her go.

Think she must've guessed. Tha's why she told me she was leavin'. I ruined it all. I meant to pull her closer, and only succeeded in pushin' her farther away.

Everythin' I touch turns to dust.

This crew - my crew – ain't really mine at all. I can't ever go to sleep an' know for certain they'll be there when I wake up. I can't be sure of keepin' them safe an' happy an' together.

Cos I ain't jus' weak. I'm a mean ol' man. A bad man.

Tha's how he got in.

* * * * *

Ain't a power in the 'verse can stop Kaylee bein' cheerful. Sometimes you jus' wanna duct tape her mouth an' dump her in the hold for a month. Girl's like a force of nature. Oughta be under a shinin' sun somewhere, workin' her magic on machines meant for growin' things. Surrounded by a whole passel of critters underfoot. Not cooped up on a creakin' ol' boat like mine. Nor servin' under a monster.

Gorramit if it don't break my heart every time she looks at me, an' sees the man I was , not the man I am . Breaks my heart and makes me wanna lash out. Show her the real me, the nothing inside. Make her look right into the face of it. Force her to stare. Stop

Comments
Friday, 17 September 2004 16:46
Dang. That went to a place. Darkness.

When Mal is quoting Early is the most chilling of all. That you had him having planned to sell out River, play the Judas... wow, never have gone there myself but you wrote it convincingly.

"They cut me up too, then called me a survivor." Very astute parallel.

"Sometimes I want it to cut her. The strain of keepin' her untouched by this brutal 'verse wears me down." Kaylee's innocence as a burden, wishing--almost--she'd be hurt so he wouldn't have to protect her anymore... powerful.

There were many more that struck me as I read--wonderful intertwining of the comments of the others with your own observations and appraisals.
Friday, 17 September 2004 16:55
Oh wow! This is amazing...I love the way you weave Early's comments into Mal's thoughts. Even caught a Badger one. :-D
Friday, 17 September 2004 16:58
This started off really well but I have to say it didn't feel right you using Jubal Early's voice and words for Mal. And Mal wanting to beat on Inara? Nope don't see that at all. While there is undoubtedly a darkness in the Captain there seem to be few redeeming features in this story to make his soul worth the saving. Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me
Saturday, 18 September 2004 10:00
That's criticism I can accept, Ali. I think I rushed the ending, and should maybe have given more weight to his inner conflict because I definitely do think Mal's soul is worth saving. I wasn't trying to say Mal *is* bad, just that what he perceives as his weaknesses may *him* fear he might be. At times.
Friday, 29 October 2004 04:07
Wow, an amazing portrait of a man trapped by in himself.
Thursday, 02 December 2004 17:42
Wow. All kinds of creepy 'n lyrical.
Wednesday, 26 January 2005 04:31
deep.
not to mention all manner of creepifying.
all that darkness in the cap'n and we neva even noticed. although some of it was a little intense, it was till a good story.

no power in the verse
xoxox-fredikayllow-xoxox
Tuesday, 08 November 2005 22:22
I'm with Fredikayllow...
downright creepifyin'! Especially when he was quoting Early, but I could feel it, really understand where Mal might be coming from.
I was trying to find a favorite moment, but I liked all of it. Wish you'd focused less on his anger over Inara and just a bit more on his desire for her.. that his desire is at odds with his dislike of her career.

Overall tasty.
ANONYMOUS
Saturday, 12 November 2005 04:18
I can like this... there is one thing that for sure made me not buy it, not buy that mal is this bad. i know the man is dark and bad in some ways but he is not that bad he is a good man not because its natural to him but cause he wants to be and that makes him an even better man so i can understand the morbid darkness but one thing that to me just made it not really credible was that line that sounded like one early used "Man is stronger than woman by far"... i think mal actully thinks women are stron and have the ability to be strong that is why she would not up up with yo-saff-bridg in our Mrs. Reynolds, that is why he told her that if some one trys to kill her she trys to kill him right back hehe. And he probibly thinks women are real strong seeing Zoe and also him mom how she ran the ranch when he was a boy. so yeah he probibly thinks women are strong, just as strong as men if not stronger. He probibly sees strength in all women but he probibly was taught to be gentelmanly like to 'em by his mom but still to be manly my the rench hands and also the war.
yeah he is a good man just a bit of a misfit like the rest of his crew. misfits in space, they all had a place to call home and people to call family but they just could not fit there it was nit 'right' then they found serenity and it just fit.
But still this could just be mal on a bad day, seeing all the bad darkness in himself and the world. every man is allowed to have a bad day...
-oldSoul
ANONYMOUS
Friday, 24 March 2006 14:31
Very well-written, very eerie. I got the shivers when you gave Mal Jubal Early's quotes... I think you took Mal's bad side a little far, but you made it believable. Well done.
Monday, 14 August 2006 00:17
Dang! You really went to the dark place. *Shudder* Mal is scarier than I like, but very compelling. Great job!
MERRYWYN
Thursday, 21 August 2008 21:10
I liked this a lot! I really liked how you used the Jubal qoutes, because they are things that everyone thinks. I have to disagree with some of the above comments saying that Mal isn't like this, I think in his lonely moments it would be easy for this darkness to come upon him. And as I said in one of my own fics, EVERYBODY thinks bad things about someone at some point in their lives, that doesn't make them a monster, acting on them does

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