He was smiling. Mocking me. Or, maybe, they were.

When he died, that is.

Always smiling, he was.

Idiot. Played with his plastic dinosaurs, always with some joke or other.

I thought that they had taken everything from me, at Serenity Valley.

The Alliance. Friends, Land, Liberty, Freedom. Everything but Mal and the Sky.

More fool I. They done stole thirty million lives in search of a "Better World". They stole away the one that really mattered.

He was smiling when he died- "I am a Leaf on the Wind, Watch how I-" Crash.

Mal gave up his faith in God, when we lost at Serenity- not stopped believing in Him, just stopped placing his trust there.

He placed it in us.

I didn't give up on God- or at least, I didn't stay like Mal. I began Beilieving again, though not enough to start all praying again. Wash gave me back my faith- or found it again for me.

He made me believe, by simply being .

And, fool I was, I began to believe- a little.

Smile, Honey, there's a Harpoon sticking out your gut.

Just like that, no flashng lights, no aura, no heroics.

I had really started to think that we may just survive all this- Reavers, and Alliance, and Book diein'.

A crash, breaking glass, and a scream.

It wasn't Wash- his only mercy was being killed on impact. It was mine.

"Zoe, he's dead! He's DEAD . Come ON!!!!" For a sedcond, I was ready to slap him. Wash, dead? No, he couldn't be, he-

Too little, too late. Blood dribbled from his mouth.

I didn't let myself cry, then; too much to do.

Later, after all the fighting and shooting and killing was over, I started to cry.

Long, hard, alone, lonely.

Stupid, smiling face.

It was so hard to realize that he was gone forever.

It hurt so much more when I finally let myself see it.

***

Well, here 'tis. Forgive me if it sucks too badly- Dropkick Murphys ain't exactly the best to listen to for angst writin', and I'm too lazy to change the music)

Curse upbeat Irish Rock!!! Grrrr... Arggh...

Either or, thanks to folks