My first attempt at angst, please let me know if it's effective or not.

Disclaimer: characters and 'verse not mine, Joss's

Warning: character death

Could Have Been

After his mercenary’s betrayal of the two newest members of his crew, Malcolm Reynolds kept an eye out when they were on jobs. Just in case the money got good, and Jayne got stupid again. But there weren’t any more such episodes, and gradually he let that guard down; not all the way, but lowered. Jayne seemed to be proving his worth, showing some loyalty. Stopped being so mean to the doc and his li’l sis, even. So Mal let his guard down, and that was, he reflected later, one of his more stupid life moves.

No one knew why Jayne was late to breakfast that morning. It wasn’t like him to be last in line for food. He slid into his chair and didn’t explain anything, and after a few curious glances everyone forgot about it. Except remembering, Mal thought River had been very small in her chair that day, quiet, and didn’t eat much. He didn’t remark it at the time, because that was how River frequently was. Even now, he wasn’t sure; maybe he was just latching unto insignificant things and making them seem big.

But everyone knew what Jayne really was; the man didn’t ever try to hide it. And everyone, except maybe Kaylee, knew people rarely change. So why they’d all been stupid enough to be surprised at what happened, Mal couldn’t figure . . .

No one knew why, climbing unto the mule for the ride to the job, River had chosen to get in on the side Jayne already occupied, crawling over him and then hovering mid-crawl with her serious face inches from his annoyed one. When she spoke it sounded like she was choking on tears.

“Seemingly insignificant choices can damn your soul or lift you to atonement,” she said, and they all heard it, and even then no one’d had their mental lights on bright enough to know something was up. Jayne had shoved her off him and over into the corner of the seat with a snarl. Girl’d