Blue Sun Room FICTION - ADVENTURE

It never ends Part II

Wednesday, April 7, 2004

The crew sets out from Rutledge, but with someone lurking in the shadows are they even safe on Serenity?

CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 2959    RATING: 10.0 (PG13)    SERIES: FIREFLY

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Part II

Mal wasn't taking any more chances while they were on Rutledge. It might have just been a thief, but the chance that someone might have figured out that Simon and River we're on board was something he couldn't risk. The ship was sealed up tight unless they needed to get supplies and no one left the ship alone. 5 days later with the repairs completed, and no further incidents, Serenity departed from Rutledge.

"So where to Captain?" asked Wash as he sat down at the helm.

"Let's head towards Persephone we haven't been there in a while, and Badger might have some work for us. Shave as much time off of the trip as ya can." said Mal as he started to walk off the bridge.

"I'll shave the flesh from your bones!" yelled Wash.

"What?" Mal turned around and then saw Wash's T-Rex cutting down a helpless stegosaurus. Mal walked away just shaking his head.

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River sat down at the table with Simon, but she didn't eat the food in front of her.

"Not hungry Mei-Mei?" asked Simon, she just smiled in response and started counting.

"10…9…"

Meanwhile Zoe and Mal are walking towards the cargo bay.

"8…7…"

Jayne stretches after lifting weights for a while. The doc had decided that it was safe at this point as long as he kept using the crutch to walk.

"6…5…"

Then there was a soft bang on the far side of the cargo bay. It was so quiet that not everyone would have heard it, but Mal, Zoe, and Jayne all homed in on it right away. Jayne reached under the weight bench and pulled out a shotgun and quickly loaded it as he stood up.

Comments
Wednesday, 07 April 2004 17:33
Well the second part is up. I've pretty much decided which way to go with the ending for this. I'm hoping to wrap it up with no more than two more parts. Just trying to decide whether I can work something into these last two parts that would lead into another idea I wanted to use.

As usual I apologize for grammar mistakes and i'll probably be picking them out of this and part I through this weekend. If you've got any advice or comments I look forward to hearing them.
Wednesday, 07 April 2004 18:57
Can't find a single likable thing about Aaron, but looking forward ot hear the rest of Book's speech. River's part was well written, too. Thanks!
Wednesday, 07 April 2004 20:19
Yeah it's kind of hard to see anything that is good left with Aaron.

I'm gonna see if I can get part III up before the weekend, but there's alot I need to go through and weed out.
Wednesday, 07 April 2004 21:02
I'm enjoying the story you've built, and the characters. Go, Jayne! ;-)

The writing clarity would be helped a bit if you double-spaced between scenes--make it more clear there was a scene change. A touch more descriptive narrative here, and in part 1, would have helped me, too, in figuring out who was where physically--lost track of whether Mal was there or not during the Aaron/Alliance fight scene in part 1. Doesn't need to be a lot, just a sentence or two.

Reading the story out loud will help you catch the grammatical errors (you went present tense a couple times).

Nice job over all. Thanks for sharing the story.
Thursday, 08 April 2004 03:43
To Guildsister. Thanks I appreciate it. When I did it in microsoft word, I had 4 lines between scene changes but for some reason now that I look at it online I guess it's not transfering over. I'll try and correct that tommorow or at the latest over the weekend. I really appreaciate the advice, cause ya know sometimes ya get a story rolling in your head and you forget that the people reading it can't see exactly what your imagining. I've got Saturday and Sunday free this weekend though, so I'll have plenty of time to do a little rewriting on these two parts and Breaking even. Yeah it's fairly obvious who my favorite char on the show is, but i'm trying to tone down my bias a little. Thanks again I appreciate it.
Wednesday, 14 April 2004 12:27
Ah rewrite completed. Now to do a quick check over on Part I and i'll be ready to release Part III

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