Need advice (or sympathy, at least!)...fcuk-ed up situation!

POSTED BY: ShinyTrinket
UPDATED: Wednesday, August 23, 2006 18:42
VIEWED: 5971
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SHINYTRINKET

Wednesday, August 23, 2006 2:58 AM

So, THIS sucks...

I recently applied for a job I really REALLY wanted, at a new business in my line of work that will be opening shortly. I've been out of work since March, and I was very excited when I found out about this. I waited and waited, and finally they advertised for staff. I pounced and applied.

I told a close friend, who still works at the place I left in March. She decided to put in an application at the 11th hour.

I had an interview last week, and it went very well. She had an interview yesterday.

Long story short...guess who got the job?

I know it's not my friend's fault; she didn't mean for this to happen, and she certainly was not the one making the final decision--so why do I feel like she cut in on me at the dance and stole my partner???

As illogical and petty as it may be, and as happy as I want to be for her, I can't even bring myself to think about being around her now. It's bad enough that I didn't get the job, but even worse that it may adversely affect our friendship. Every time I see her I'll feel like it's getting rubbed in my face.

I feel shitty about this in a million different ways, and have no idea what to do. My friend is out of town, so I have a few days to think about it before I have to face her again, but I'm not even sure I can.

My husband and other friends say I'm NOT being a petty wench, but I feel like I am. But I'm still furious!!

What a clstrfck!

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Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a good gorramn!

HIEI

Wednesday, August 23, 2006 3:08 AM

Ok not saying you are being suo-shee, but she was your friend. Be happy that your friend got the job. It probably won't make sence right away but be happy for her, she didn't mean to keep you unelmployed, she just wanted the job.

"Suo-shee chinese for petty."

SHINYTRINKET

Wednesday, August 23, 2006 3:12 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Hiei:
Ok not saying you are being suo-shee, but she was your friend. Be happy that your friend got the job. It probably won't make sence right away but be happy for her, she didn't mean to keep you unelmployed, she just wanted the job.

"Suo-shee chinese for petty."

I know...sorry 'bout whingin'...I told you, I feel petty and dumb...but feelings are what they are, even when they don't make sense.

I'll be in my bunk...

*************************************************
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a good gorramn!

SAMEERTIA

Wednesday, August 23, 2006 3:21 AM

Shiny, you're absolutely right.
Feelings are what we feel, even when we understand that they may not be fair feelings.

It's a good thing she's out of town for a few days. That will let you sort this out.

My suggestion? Journal this out. Sit down and write out how you feel about it, everything- how angry and hurt and upset, as well as petty and foolish. Everything that you associate with what you're going through, write it down.

When you're all done, read it over, then tear it up into a million little pieces and throw it away.
Then write two lists.
Write a list of all the things about your friend that you like, why you're friends, how much that friendship means to you.
THEN
write a list of other jobs you might like to have, other ways you might be able to find a job that you'll enjoy. There may only have been one of THAT job, but there are probably others out there that you could really enjoy.

I will bet, in the end, you feel tons better and will be able to face your friend just fine when she gets back.

HIEI

Wednesday, August 23, 2006 3:21 AM

Nah whine all you want it's good for you.(I didn't know there was a post befor this one untill after I posted this.)

"Suo-shee chinese for petty."

ARCADIA

Wednesday, August 23, 2006 3:37 AM

((hugs))

Give yourself a little break, here. Of course you're going to feel snubbed. You invested a lot of yourself into trying for this new position. It isn't your friends fault that she got the job -- but the fact is, she is a reminder of it, and it is very easy to transfer your feelings of disappointment onto her. It isn't weak, it's human. So don't beat yourself up over it, or tell yourself it makes you a bad person, because it doesn't.

I'm glad to see that you're talking with your husband and other friends. It may seem right now that it is needless bitching, but it is really helping you, trust me. When you keep things bottled up, they will intensify and twist and become really nasty. Letting them out will help them pass.

Remember -- don't punish yourself over this! It is NOT your fault. Also remember -- don't punish her. It's not her fault, either. It really is just a crappy situation.

Take a few days to be whiny/bitchy/complainy, but remember that you can't indulge in this forever or you'll never more past it, and you'll just be bitter. You might want to tell your husband and freinds to call you out on this kind of behavior if your start to exhibit it, to stop you from getting in the habit before you start. I know this is something that has really helped me with my flaws -- living with peoeple who just don't let me get away with it, who are just willing to say, "Katie, you are doing THIS, so stop it." In the short run, it can be annoying. In the long run -- so, so helpful.

((hugs))

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It sucks!

[center]
Arcadia
aka Greyfable and/or Katie

like the avatar? there are more. grab one here: http://snipurl.com/syt0. Happy Summer of Serenity!
www.stillflying.net -- picking up Firefly were Joss left off. We will hold 'til he gets back.
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ZZETTA13

Wednesday, August 23, 2006 11:30 AM

SHINYTRINKET, I hear you and understand. You have every right to be disappointed in the way events have turned out. Is it worth loosing a friendship over? That's for you to think about.

IMO it is not. Sounds like your friend was only trying to make an improvement in her life. Not transgress on yours. Had there been an opportunity that the both of you become employed for the same company that would have been great. I get the feeling that you really do believe deep down that your friend didn't apply for the same job out of meanness. If you are qualified for this job, then keep applying to the company. Show them that you are very interested and eagar to work for them.

I do know something about this. I had a simmilar expirience about 11 years ago were my brother told me about a job he had heard about from some friends. Without my knowing he had applied also and got the job. Was I mad? NO. Since that time the company has been sold or re-allined 4 times.My brother has done well and moved up. That's not to say that I would have done the same. Things have worked out well for me although my employer now could make some improvements. Just the same, keep applying to this company and others like it where you feel you would enjoy being employed. Good luck with everything :)

Z

RUGBUG

Wednesday, August 23, 2006 2:18 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Arcadia:
Remember -- don't punish yourself over this! It is NOT your fault. Also remember -- don't punish her. It's not her fault, either. It really is just a crappy situation.

Wow, you all are a lot nicer than I am, I guess. I absolutely think it's the friend's fault. She broke the friend code. You don't date your friends exes and you don't apply for a job you heard about BECAUSE of your friend. If they had both applied, independent of the other, fine. But it sounds like the only reason the "friend" even knew about the job was because she was told. Friends don't claw their way over each others back to improve their lives.

Does it have to ruin the friendship? No. But I would definitely tell her how you feel. Her reaction would then dictate whether or not the friendship really means anything to her.

'Course this is just my opinion....

***************
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." - George Bernard Shaw

MSG

Wednesday, August 23, 2006 2:26 PM

I'd say a good portion of this is what Rugbug said. You told her about this job you really wanted and she went in and got it instead. Now she didn't make final choice, but she could have chosen not to apply, especially since you were out of work and she wasn't so I can see why there'd be some resentment there.
If you really think she didn't mean to be a bit selfish, then I'd say journal it out and do all the positive journaling as suggested, but it sounds like part of you thinks she did this without thinking of you and your feelings and maybe that's what you need to address. I know if my friend were looking for work and told me of this great job she applied for, I would certainly ask her if she was ok if I applied as well. It's a little selfish to just go ahead and try to get a job you know your friend wants/is counting on without even acknowledging that you would be taking something from her.

I choose to rise instead of fall- U2

ZOID

Wednesday, August 23, 2006 3:24 PM

Okay, I've heard what you're saying ShinyTrinket, and I've read all the other responses, and agreed with most of them in some respect, even though they contradict one another.

But...

Here's an angle I haven't seen anybody else take, so I'm just gonna throw it out there: Have you considered that your friend is better qualified than you, and that's the reason she got the job?

I know that sounds mean; but I really don't intend it that way. What I intend by interjecting that line of reasoning is to get you to engage in a little introspection, something people in general fail to do enough of. Would you really want the job knowing your friend is better qualified than you? If you answer, "Yes!", are you comfortable with what that says about you?

The other side of that 'coin' would be the honest self-evaluation: "I am better qualified" or "We are equally qualified for the position". Then why did they hire her, not you? Did they just like her better than you? If so, maybe you could take a workshop in interviewing techniques and 'dressing for success'. (NB: Your local unemployment office would be a good point of contact on locating a day or evening class. Seriously, that's not a joke.)

I understand your emotional reaction to this situation. But I think you're in danger of losing a valuable personal growth opportunity if you don't spend at least some time examining your professional shortcomings, and then taking action to rectify them...

...And forgive your friend. Life is both too short and too long to throw away meaningful relationships over something this insignificant in the grand scheme of things. If you're honest with yourself (as outlined above), you know in your heart that if you were the superior candidate you'd have gotten the position.

Sympathetically,

zoid

P.S.
...Unless your friend's really hot, and that's the only reason she got the job over you. In which case, you (and possibly the interviewer) got well and truly humped. In that instance, you might take a workshop in Kama Sutra, preparatory to your next interview...
_________________________________________________

"I aim to misbehave." -Capt. Mal Reynolds, Serenity, a.k.a. 'the BDBOF'

"Eatin' ain't cheatin'..." - President Bill Clinton, paraphrased, to the Court of Impeachment

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