Worst of the Worst - Contribute to The Most Awful Fic Ever Written
POSTED BY: jetflair
UPDATED: Friday, February 17, 2012 18:36
VIEWED: 87562
PAGE 7 of 22
Quote:
Originally posted by wytchcroft:Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Ohhh, I know! Mal is being held by merciless bad guy #5. Wash (resurrected by the Academy and returned to Serenity earlier in the story) walks in, tortures Mal a little, and then introduces himself as Wash's evil twin, mad because Mal got Wash killed. Wash's evil twin kills Inara in front of Mal.
Mal then summons HIS evil twin and - battle is joined!Quote:whose hostage - mal's illegitimate offspring by zoe - is torturing Mal with Wash's dinosaurs. (hence battle dream)
Mal then wakes up and realizes that he hallucinated the whole thing, and that in reality he's still just sitting there in the clutches of bad guy #5.
Yeah, and here's some more details.
Mal's offspring by Zoe has to look EXACTLY like Wash, except he has a huge black mustace and has already grown up because of a time-warp thingy, and has lustful feeling towards Mal. Meanwhile, Saffron realizes that her true love isn't Jayne, but Mal's son (lets name him Billy-Bob).
Meanwhile, Book rapes Inara, as part of his evil plot: He's actually an evil alien robot who's mission is to plant the aliens (which look like stands of spaggetti covered in meatball sauce) into people's bodies so they can have host bodies and rule the galaxy and eventually the 'verse.
Bok did actually serve time as a companion, but then retiered right before folk could link the weird behavior of his clients with him.
Jetflair, I think it is okay to have a plot for this story, you can mismach them all into one hilarious read! Here's an idea for how to do that:
Okay, there's all sorts of parallel universes, and the one thing they have in common is Serenity and most of the crew. You can write all the adventures of the various 'verse crews, and have them all meet and then have the finale!
I can't wait to read his. This thread is already way funny!
"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River
"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River
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I seriously can't see this turning into a bad read.
What's the worst that could happen?
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No, havig a beta means we all get a crack at making this thing even worse then what it was! And I wanna beta too! Please please please with the primary buffer panel on top?
"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River
"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River
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Okay, Mary-Saffron-Sue is official:
Alex Tully almost crashed his Charger-class ship in his hurry to land. With the secret illegal cross-universe space race organizers holding his wife hostage, he wanted to unload the extra passengers his conscience had forced him to accept and get to the next checkpoint in a hurry.
“Get out,” he ordered his passengers.
Misti swept back her red hair eyes and smiled. “Thank you." She checked the stock of grenades in her bag and fingered the bruise on her cheek.
Brutus had loved her; it wasn’t his fault he kept beating her after he broke her and Wash out of that horrible Alliance academy. She wondered if he truly meant all those threats about finding her and slitting her throat if she ever left him. Misti gathered her effects and motioned to Wash. “Come on, sweetheart."
~~~~~
Danger was the last thing Misti sensed before Jayne hit her in the head with a branch. She awoke bound helplessly in Serenity's cargo hold, a large knife tracing down her leg. She looked at the large, muscular man with a stirring in her thighs. She had time to appreciate the manly stubble on Jayne's chin before he pressed the knife to her neck and twisted it, opening a thin line of crimson in her milky white skin. The fear gave her a pleasurable thrill.
“What are you doing with Wash?” asked Jayne. "And since when is he - um - you know - alive?"
“Um – I could tell you,” interjected Wash. “You know, instead of the whole interrogation thing?”
“But – I wanna interrogate her,” said Jayne with a leer. He pressed the knife a little deeper. "And – other things."
Mal stepped forward. "Enough. Wash, what's your story?" Jayne rocked back on his heels with a grunt and shoved Binky back in her sheath. Misti relaxed, looking at him with sudden deep affection and trust. He'd held the power to hurt her, but his innate kindness would never let him do such a thing.
Wash smiled. "I think she saved me from a fate worse than death. The Alliance took me away after the crash and rebuilt my insides in a special secret program, but they didn't let me go. The Academy where River was experimented on? Yeah, they sent me there. Wanted to see if they could rebuild my grey matter too."
Zoe hugged him even more tightly, and he kissed her softly. "It wasn't so horrible at first, but then – baby, you know how scared I am of needles? They strapped me down and started trying to stick the Giant Needles from Hell in my head, and it tickled, and–" he started sobbing uncontrollably and buried his head against his wife’s chest.
“It’s okay, honey-bunches-of-oats,” she soothed. “You’re going to be okay.”
"I want my dinosaurs," sobbed Wash.
"So, Yo-Saff-Brig," said Mal, kneeling at the bound woman's side. "I got the pleasure of welcoming you aboard my ship yet again. Tell me, what's your name this time?"
"Misty," she said, trying to fling her hair defiantly. A strand got stuck in her eye, and she started blinking furiously. "A little help, here?" she snapped. "Hello, tied up here, can't…"
Mal brushed the hair out of her eye with a slight grin, and she pressed her face against his hand. "Thank you, sweetie," she said, nuzzling it tenderly. "I've missed you."
"I'll bet," said Mal. "You do seem to enjoy seeing me without my clothes on. But that's entirely beside the point. The point is, you're back on my ship, and I don't like it. Since when are you Academy material, and when'd you go from kicking Wash in the head to saving him from fates worse than death?"
"I wanted to become a trained government killing machine, but when they put Wash in the room next to me – he was such a true prodigy of innocent love and sweetness that I couldn't let the bad men hurt him. That, and they started sticking needles in my nose. I don't like needles."
"Something we have in common, it turns out," said Wash.
Mal nodded. "Well, Misti, I'm much obliged to you. Jayne, untie her and give her free run of the ship."
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Quote:
Originally posted by nbz:
I seriously can't see this turning into a bad read.
What's the worst that could happen?
...kinda like that
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Quote:
Originally posted by RiverFlan:
No, havig a beta means we all get a crack at making this thing even worse then what it was! And I wanna beta too! Please please please with the primary buffer panel on top?
Okay - just so long as the primary buffer panel has an evil twin who used to be a companion
When did my silly little prank story get to be 14 pages already?
"Love keeps her in the air...."
www.serenityverse.com/fffanfic - My fanfics
www.serenityverse.com/shop - Firefly Jewelry
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Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Brutus had loved her; it wasn’t his fault he kept beating her after he broke her and Wash out of that horrible Alliance academy. She wondered if he truly meant all those threats about finding her and slitting her throat if she ever left him.
I feel honoured.
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how about Mal grows an evil mustache? Yeah.... and it tells him to make prank calls to pizza joints or something lame like that.....
(also, any idea when it might be finished? I want to read this.)
(more parenthesis: is Book gonna be a robot? )
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Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
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Not sure exactly when it's going to be done - it keeps growing! It's a monster! But I will keep posting bits here in the meantime.....
Book is currently a companion, not a robot. However, I would not write off the possibility of his becoming a robot companion - a love bot, so to speak?
-Wash has an evil twin.
-In Mal's fevered nightmare.
-Also in Mal's fevered nightmare, Wash's evil twin draws a palm tree and a dinosaur on Mal's chest with a red-hot poker.
-Kaylee is carrying Niska'a baby.
-Zoe is carrying Wash's baby, who will look exactly like him
"Take us out of the world, Wash," said Mal, grinning. It had been a good day. Wash and Book were back, and he'd only gotten tortured once since yesterday. Thanks to Book, he'd no longer have to endure Zoe's cooking.
River came flying out of the pilot's chair in tears. "You're replacing me? You're firing me? What's wrong with me, Captain Daddy? I wanna fly the ship."
Mal patted her on the shoulder. "You're a fine pilot, my little albatross. But now that Wash ain't dead any longer, I'd be more comfortable not having a little crazy girl piloting my ship."
River glared at Wash. "I hate you!" With that, she stormed off the bridge.
Mal followed, deeply concerned that he might have bruised her feelings. “I met your father today,” said Mal. “I never guessed he was evil incarnate. Makes me brood, thinking about your having to grow up with him. Suddenly I see why Simon is so prim and proper at all times except when he and I are enjoying double-jointed sado-masochistic sex."
"I wanted the castle!" she shrieked. "Castles are for Christmas, and when the peanut butter doesn't believe, the parasitological balances implode!" With that, she ran to her cabin.
Mal walked into the dining room, where preparations were under way to throw a party to celebrate Wash's return. The mood was festive, despite everything that was going horribly wrong. Book was cooking, delicious scents wafting from the galley. Kaylee was stringing a hand-painted banner reading, "Welcome Back to Life, Wash!" across the doorway and tying balloons to the chairs.
Zoe was patting her stomach proudly, and she stood to embrace her husband when he walked in. "We're going to have a baby, sweetheart," she whispered. "He's going to look exactly like you."
"Exactly – as in exactly like me with a mustache, or without?" asked Wash.
"Without," said Zoe firmly.
Kaylee sat heavily, her eyes filling with tears. "What if my baby looks exactly like Niska?"
"Oh, sweetie," said Zoe, rubbing her on the shoulder.
Mal sat at Kaylee's side. "Not the looks I'd worry about so much as what'd happen if Niska sues for visitation rights. Could get nasty."
River walked in with her head held high, refusing to look at Wash. Simon followed, casting a worried glance at Kaylee. He came over and joined Mal at her side. "Congratulations," he said stiffly. "The pregnancy test came back positive. So, you really will be killing a little unborn baby Niska if you opt to take that pill."
Kaylee started sobbing audibly, and River stuck her tongue out at Simon. "You boob."
Mal looked at Simon with fascination. "Say, those pills. If I was to take them, would I be killing a baby Niska each time? I might take an interest in that…."
Misti and Jayne walked in arm in arm, giggling like teenagers. As Jayne sat, Misti broke away and wrapped her arms around Mal. "I hope you don't see this as cheating, sweetheart. After all, you did break up with me, I tried to make it work, but-"
"We're just not meant for each other," said Mal. "I get it. Live long and procreate, everyone else on the ship's doin' it."
"I don't wanna prostate-thing," protested Jayne. He wrapped Misti in a bear-hug. "I wanna make babies. Lots of 'em."
Book started setting delicious plates of steaming plates in front of them. "To Wash!" they shouted, raising their glasses with a cheer.
"To Wash," echoed Book. "Say, how come nobody threw a party like this for me on my first night back?"
Puzz
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Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
"I wanted the castle!" she shrieked. "Castles are for Christmas, and when the peanut butter doesn't believe, the parasitological balances implode!" With that, she ran to her cabin.
Nothing like good ol' moonbrain River Tam.
(on a side note, didn't et to comment on your losing side fanfic - love it
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Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
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