Board Dispute - Please Help
POSTED BY: BYTEMITE
UPDATED: Wednesday, October 17, 2012 02:02
VIEWED: 13943
PAGE 11 of 13
Quote:
because everyone here is clinically insane
Yeah, Mark, I stopped reading at that point because I had the same immediate impression. As someone with a CLINICAL mental illness, I resented the hell out of that statement...then I backed off and thought "well, consider the source" and relaxed. Yes, this place is tough--nobody should be here who isn't prepared to deal with that. But statements like that, and like SO many other over-arching, over-reaching things DT says are really vicious...and he claims this place is???
I see a lot of humor here; the vitriol I see is almost exclusively about politics. I also see people enjoy one another, agree on things, disagree, pick on one another fer shore (but mostly just a few of us perpetually), mock one another, put up interesting stuff I'd otherwise know nothing about, and act like assholes from time to time. But to write what he did, and I'm guessing more of the same, is a reflection of DT, absolutely nobody else.
Byte, I don't know why you are so bent on everyone accepting your "badness". We went through this not long ago, remember? And you ran away for a while, after something about a trick or a test or I forget what, but something to the effect that you were going to prove something or show something. It's like this is that, happening all over again. I don't know why it's important for you to convince us all you're bad, but you can't MAKE it happen, sorry. Fact: YOU HAVE NEVER HURT ME! Nobody here has the power to do so, and nothing you've done would have hurt me even in real life...I'd just absent myself if I was in any way uncomfortable with being around you. I can't even remember the last time anyone hurt my feelings. You don't have the power to hurt that you seem to think you do. You don't even piss me off much, mostly frustrate me sometimes 'cuz I can't figure out where you're coming from.
So here it is a third time and tell you: READ THIS, it is the absolute truth, not the truth you keep insisting on and want us to believe:Quote:
THAT is the truth, as I see it.
And I'm telling you that you've got big ole blinders on, that everything you observe is going through the filter of your self-hatred so that it all comes out: "Bytemite is BAD and does bad things and everyone hates her!"
Your filter lies to you. You never hurt me. You have at times interpreted things I said as attacks on you, and maybe you lashed out in return, but this DIDN'T HURT ME. I am resorting to all caps because you don't seem to be getting this. My reaction when you do this kind of thing is not hurt, it's more of a mild annoyance that you're making up a fight where there isn't one, and concern that you're spiraling into a bad place.
But it never hurts me. I've seen you go through this enough that I know you'll come out of it. You just come out of it with even more self-hatred. That's what it means that the only person you need to defend yourself against is yourself. When you take things personally that don't need to be taken that way, you don't hurt other people. You hurt yourself.
As long as you keep looking at yourself as some kind of monstrous villain who hurts people - which is ridiculous - you will continue this pattern of seeing everything as an attack. You will continue to lash out, then blame yourself.
The only way out to give yourself a fucking break. You are NOT a monster, and for Heaven's sake no one here hates you. Let go of your self-hatred long enough to consider that. I can't speak for everyone, but I feel pretty strongly that you've hurt no one to near the degree you think you have. No one but yourself. And no one but YOU can forgive you for that.
One of the things that confuses me is why you seem to have this intense need for us to believe you're some kind of badass and protect ourselves from
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Quote:
Originally posted by Niki2:
Give it a rest, Byte...you are no better and no worse than anyone else here,
This I find interesting. I lived for many many years in the headspace where Byte is, and I eventually came to realize how selfish and self-aggrandizing it is. Sorry Byte - I speak of me, but I think it does apply. Think about it: everyone lashes out now and then. Me, you, everybody. I'm quite willing to forgive other people who do that, but myself? No way. I used to get so down on myself every time I was less than cordial. Why? Because I wanted to be better than that. Because I DEMANDED that I be better than what I could accept in other people. Because I thought I was better than them.
It's BS. Pure BS. I have come to realize that allowing myself to be flawed means allowing that I am not superior to others. I couldn't accept my own flaws so I completely overreacted to them. It was a self-centered insecurity.
Now older and wiser, I know that I have to let people see when I mess up and just trust that they can get over it. The crazy thing - I've found that when I let people see my mistakes, and I don't deny or hide them, they actually kind of like me better for it. People seem to actually love it when a capable person is open about messing up. It's weird.
As for DT - this is a hoot. Reminds me of one time I went into a coffee shop, and while waiting in line I looked around at all the fucking laptops. Every table had a cool laptop or two or three, and I envied them all because I was shopping for one and couldn't afford the best kind. It's like they were all mocking me with their sexy high tech laptopiness.
Then this weird woman beside me in line starting talking about how every one was eating and it was so disgusting, how they just ate in public like that. I replied, "Umm... it's a restaurant." So she explained that she was a food addict...
You see what you're obsessed with. Byte hates herself, so everywhere she looks she sees hate. DT is nuts (with good reason, apparently, and just to be clear I classify myself as a bit nuts too) so everywhere he looks he sees insanity.
We don't even know how strong our filters are. I admit, I have two rather weighty filters that I'm aware of. OK, maybe three. I try to compensate for them. Maybe someday I'll be able to shed them.
Back to Byte - honey, you haven't hurt me. If you were really a spiteful person, you take the time to figure out how to properly twist the knife, but you never do. Your "lashing out" is that of a cornered kitten, an innocent creature in a state of terror trying like hell to defend itself. But you don't have full grown claws, and you'd much prefer to go hide somewhere safe and warm rather than draw blood.
You lack any kind of joy in causing pain. You aren't even a little bit cruel.
In case it's not clear, I mean that as a compliment.
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I have known, since I was five, that I am flawed, and that those flaws are unforgiveable. Don't be so sure that I'm not cruel, I have a nasty history of it.
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Byte IS cruel. She says so, and I take her word for it.
"those flaws are unforgiveable" Her flaws are unforgiveable.
Does that mean Byte is unforgiveable?
Forgiveness is one of the best things that we can give to ourselves
and others. All the great philosophers say so, & many ordinary
people who experience it agree. I also believe in forgiveness.
I just don't know how to DO it intentionally.
Byte, I suspect you are living with a hanging judge in your head.
That guy's an a**hole. I invalidate him.
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Byte, it's a pure and simple fact that NOBODY can know at the age of five that they are flawed, much less that any flaws they have could possibly be unforgiveable. Period.
At five a child can only know what it takes in from around it, from things its parents say, overheard comments, etc., etc. And those are subjective statements from OTHER PEOPLE, they can (and often do, and I took some in and they all but destroyed me) have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the child, only with the person speaking.
So I reject your premise completely. If you internalized something at or by age five or whatever, it wasn't you judging you; if you choose to hold onto whatever you internalized, that's your business, but it's a choice.
Of COURSE you're flawed, everyone is. But unforgiveably so? Bah.
Of COURSE you can be cruel. Is there a single person on this board who can't? Anyone can be cruel...anyone can be as cruel as they want to if they want to, and often even if they DON'T consciously want to. So what? Means you're (gasp!) human, doll, nothing more.
Sorry, I'm not buying it, especially now you say you've "known" since age 5. That's bullshit, pure and simple. Whatever "need" you have to convince us you're some kind of horrid creature won't work with me, and I doubt with many (if any) others.
I was a royal bitch well into my thirties. I even called myself The Nikovich Bitch, kinda like what Mal just described. I find it very difficult to believe you could ever have been or are one WHIT nastier than I was back then.
HEY OONJ!!! I changed my color 'cuz you said in another thread that its darkness was hard to read. I spent a good fifteen MINUTES trying out colors to find one lighter that was still sort-of purple (my color on every website). Now I come here and find you writing in a color just one TINY shade off mine?!?! 
I won't have it!
See one of the reasons I use color is that when I come back to a thread, I go directly to the bottom, then scroll up until I see my last post (easily identifiable by the color, get it?). Then I read from there on. So if you're gonna use THAT color, I'll have to go back to my old one, because I couldn't find anything else that was close enough to my "signature color".
SO CHANGE IT, BITCH! 
Right NOW, y'hear? Or suffer through trying to read my vital words, the pearls that drop from my...er, keyboard...in dark purple!
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Quote:
Originally posted by Bytemite:
I have known, since I was five, that I am flawed, and that those flaws are unforgiveable. Don't be so sure that I'm not cruel, I have a nasty history of it.
Would the adult you ever tell a five year old that she was irredeemable?
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So I was faking the dark voice in my head when I was five, that delightful lullaby that told me that I should kill myself because I was worthless as I went to sleep. That when I was crying behind the bleachers and kids threw jello at me, it said that I was pathetic and deserved it. Good to know Niki. Thank you for setting me straight.
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"I have known, since I was five, that I am flawed, and that those flaws are unforgiveable."
That's the age most children develop their idea of 'self', of who they are. B4 then they're pretty much an ad hoc assemblage of responses. I suspect you had a difficult set of traits. Your parents didn't know how to deal w/ you so they set u off to the side to run on your own, and handed you over to others to fix you. B/c there was no effective external limit on your behavior you became more extreme b/c it worked for you. You didn't get loved, you got feared. But you got attention, and you got it in a way that was within your capability at the time.
In any case, it's something that can be undone, but you have to get a bead on the traits that made you what you are. And I don't mean 'mean-ness' but sensitivity to your environment (I don't think you were an insensitive potato lump, do you?) mental quickness, internal noise leading to a lack of internal peace that is a reward for most people ... Imagine what life would be like if certain actions for you lead to internal peace. You'd be a different person today.
People need to find the problem before they can address it. Imagine Niki if she STILL didn't know she was bipolar. Imagine OONJ if she STILL didn't know the problem was the effed-up interactions she got when she was young, and that she propagated b/c it was what she knew.
I know your problems aren't my problems or Niki's problems, or OONJ's problems, or HKC's problems. You have your own set. But they aren't all evil, all powerful. They're real, which makes them concrete --- and limited and fixable.
"... the dark voice in my head when I was five, that delightful lullaby that told me that I should kill myself because I was worthless ..."
It sounds like some other children I've run across who had seizures localized to specific areas of the brain.
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Quote:
Originally posted by Bytemite:
So I was faking the dark voice in my head when I was five, that delightful lullaby that told me that I should kill myself because I was worthless as I went to sleep. That when I was crying behind the bleachers and kids threw jello at me, it said that I was pathetic and deserved it. Good to know Niki. Thank you for setting me straight.
No, you weren't faking it. I was 10 when I told my dad that I wanted to die. I hated myself and my life for a reason, and it wasn't because I was unforgivable, or because I was monster.
Please: would you look a five year old child in the eye and tell her that she could not be redeemed?
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Mal4Prez: Yes. Because clearly some five year olds are irredeemable. Especially ones that continue to do horrible shit well into their teen years that lands them in psychiatric treatment. Ones with horrified parents, who ask why they did something unspeakable, and receive only a laugh.
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