Board Dispute - Please Help
POSTED BY: BYTEMITE
UPDATED: Wednesday, October 17, 2012 02:02
VIEWED: 13943
PAGE 12 of 13
I was 5 when I realized there was something so wrong with me even my parents couldn't love me. I thought I was evil.
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Quote:
Originally posted by Bytemite:
Mal4Prez: Yes. Because clearly some five year olds are irredeemable. Especially ones that continue to do horrible shit well into their teen years that lands them in psychiatric treatment. Ones with horrified parents, who ask why they did something unspeakable, and receive only a laugh.
I'm not talking about you, because clearly--CLEARLY--you are biased about your own history. I'm talking about this:
https://www.google.com/search?q=five+year+old+girl&hl=en&clien
t=firefox-a&hs=XkH&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&prmd=imvnsu&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=yrV8UNroEcuD0QHt7YAY&ved=0CAsQ_AUoAQ&biw=1233&bih=768
Are you going to tell me that these girls, because they might not act "normal" when they are too young to have any idea of what "normal" ought to be, and because their peers have no idea what a girl with an abnormal history might have been through, are you really going to tell these girls of all different shapes and sizes that they have no hope in life?
Sorry, Byte. I don't buy it. I've seen your posts here for years. Years and years. You are not cruel. You have survival mechanisms that you developed for good reason. That makes you a survivor, not a monster.
Someday you're going to forgive your five year old self. Until then, stick with my personal remedy: Guinness and good movies. If you're really into crazy people, I recommend NeoNed, but that might just be my crush on Jeremy Renner talking.
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M4P: IT IS NOT FORGIVABLE. I hurt things back then too, and I continued to hurt things. They were helpless and I HURT THEM. I LAUGHED about it.
So until you can understand that, you do not know me. But you can HEED me.
And any other child, who did those things, I would tell them to their face that they are MONSTERS. Because I would KNOW. And they would know too.
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"They were helpless and I HURT THEM. I LAUGHED about it."
Did it make you happy? People laugh for all sorts of reasons. Out of stress. Out of relief. Out of humor. Out of sociality. The fact that you laughed doesn’t mean much to me.
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Malicious joy.
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Well, I don't mean to be too persistent about this and hog the thread, so if you wish to take this off line just PM - but what does that feel like? I know a lot of little boys who did things to little critters, so I'm not sure what makes them and you different.
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"They were helpless and I HURT THEM. I LAUGHED about it."
Did it into High School?
Did you also do it this month, this year?
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Quote:
Did it into High School?
Did you also do it this month, this year?
That was hard enough to admit. And I suppose I deserve that disgust. The answer is no. But I still hurt people. I don't know what else you want from me.
It's a history of violence, abuse, and manipulative behaviour. It's ongoing. And that is why I can't stand myself. And that dislike is justified, and what I did and what I am, I brought it on to myself. So don't tell me I can make it all better, because I can't, and because none of you would believe that.
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Paraphrasing, can't reall exact words of 28 years ago.
A very wise, gay lady in my 12-Step group once said,
"When I got here, all I had was bad memories.
"Then I began to work on myself and make changes. I made
my life better, made how I feel better. So every day now,
I'm making good memories."
Byte, I'm believing you here! And I've been out of line.
Edited to remove my offensive, pushy queries.
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No one born Darkhearted wins out against the beast within every day, kiddo.
That doesn't make the beast YOU... only, a part of you.
Attempting to excise or deny it only enables it by giving it more exercise.
Acknowledge it, welcome it and USE it, gorge it on things that NEED a little cruelty applied, make it fat and lazy, and it will have no control over you - make it your slave, instead of fleeing from it and allowing fear of it to dominate your actions, because in that fashion it controls YOU.
Talk to someone with tourettes about the beast within, and how its terrorism will rule your life if you let it, you will see what I mean.
As for redemption - from what ?
You are who you are, trying to "forgive" yourself or "atone" is both puritannical inhumane bullshit and a swift route to madness.
-Frem
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