Worst of the Worst - Contribute to The Most Awful Fic Ever Written
POSTED BY: jetflair
UPDATED: Friday, February 17, 2012 18:36
VIEWED: 87562
PAGE 20 of 22
I have seen my picture, and it is hung on the wall of shame.
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<_<
The writer... The writer thinks that proper characterization is to make characters act like stereotypes.
Zoe speaks JIVE. She declares herself a soul sistah, and her streetwise advice and warmth endear her to everyone she meets. Not as much as Kaylee, though, who's incorruptible pure pureness has allowed her to twice come back from the dead. JESUS STYLE.
In a very special episode, Mal turns out to be a raging racist. And a raging homophobe. And an alcoholic. And gay. Culminating in an abusive scene of ambiguous consent involving Jayne and Simon to show how depraved he's become. Book "cures" him of the last one using God's words (because, the story implies, the last one is so much worse than the other three). In gratitude, Mal tells Book he'll stop burning crosses outside his room. This is forgotten by the next chapter, and never mentioned again.
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Bytemite, your contributions to The Most Awful Fic Ever are stellar in their awfulness. It takes true talent to sink to such depths. ;-) I especially love how in the "depraved Mal" scenario you've set out, all is forgotten by the next episode. Ha!
So here's another one:
Serenity crashes full-tilt into a planet, because no one can be bothered to keep watch on that ship, and the gorram proximity detector is STILL so bad that it doesn't signal anything until you're right on top of it. They don't even SEE that planet until it's too late to avoid the collision, and defying the laws of physics and ignoring the three-dimensionality of space, they are unable to, say, orbit the planet and end up plowing right into it.
The planet (since it is merely a stand-in for "town" in other genres) consists of only one town, only one climate zone, and only one type of topography. Don't matter that there's 90 degrees of north and south latitude available, and 360 degrees of longitude. It's entirely the same everywhere.
Having defied the laws of physics, it's now time to defy the laws of biology, and the crew miraculously survives the burning of uncontrolled re-entry AND the impact with the ground unscathed. They immediately head out to have adventures (not even having to unbuckle their seatbelts first, because who would use those anyhow?). Either that or they all DIE, and it's the Zombie crew that gets to have the adventures.
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EB, I'm afraid I'm far from the worst this board has when it comes to intentional horror in literary form. I have just invited Mincingbeast to offer some ideas.
This is akin to someone arming a nuclear device during a carpet bombing run. Only hilarious as well as terrifying.
But, when it comes to violating the laws of physics and biology, such as the impossibility of having multiple fathers and mothers, I am a fan.
Therefore, I approve. And I think zombie crew might be great, because lots of people get annoyed by a kill them all scenario. But this would be especially bad if the crew can find a cure. For being dead.
Yeah.
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For a really bad fic, may I suggest M-Preg? For maximum lulz, it should be Jayne who is the victim!
Devout Keeper of Jayne's Lunchbox
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Now, you'll see. You have uttered the words M-preg, and now someone's gonna actually DO it.
It'll be an all devouring literary eldritch abomination, forever changing your understanding of the characters until something you loved is now only TRAUMA. It will reach back into your very memories and be-spoil them.
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What a lovely idea, though I see that this thread is as exhausted as my muse. There really is nothing to contribute at this point, so I type for the sake of typing.
After several awkward, earnest attempts at fanfic, of the sappiest and stupidest Mal/Inara variety, I concluded that the purpose of fanfic is to irritate. Not to work out the awful, unresolved sexual tension of Space Whore and her Asshole Captain.
As such, I have long been working on Simon/Reaver/Reaver/Reaver/Another Reaver/HIV positive Reaver/Reaver fanfic. Post yours; I'll post mine.
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D:
Oh god! I told you! I told you all!
He just gave us SPACE AIDS. D: And the only bright spot is that it's from a REAVER and not from Jayne's well used guns!
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Also, for the fic: Jayne fires bullets contaminated with venereal disease.
You... don't want to know.
Also, all characters should be redescribed in detail every few paragraphs or so, with inconsistent outfits and adjectives. However, what consistency there is should be completely ridiculous, like an insistence that Jayne has "limpid/soulful periwinkle eyes."
Much crying should be done about his tragic disease.
Mal should kick Jayne into the engines but he comes back fine in the next sentence. Simon just gave him some painkillers is all. Painkillers and hot infirmary backdoor lovin'.
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Quote:
Originally posted by Bytemite:
Also, for the fic: Jayne fires bullets contaminated with venereal disease.
You... don't want to know.
Also, all characters should be redescribed in detail every few paragraphs or so, with inconsistent outfits and adjectives. However, what consistency there is should be completely ridiculous, like an insistence that Jayne has "limpid/soulful periwinkle eyes."
Much crying should be done about his tragic disease.
Mal should kick Jayne into the engines but he comes back fine in the next sentence. Simon just gave him some painkillers is all. Painkillers and hot infirmary backdoor lovin'.
You are wrong.
Jayne has space aids and a knife, not clap bullets. There is no cure for space aids. The crew initially attributes Jayne's illness to his fondness for whores, but when Book later develops symptoms too, questions arise. And boners, too, but that's Mal.
But anyway, Jayne has space aids, and takes to licking the blade of his knife in battle, getting hella space aids on the blade.
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