Dick Cheney rolls in his grave

POSTED BY: Niki2
UPDATED: Saturday, September 19, 2009 00:48
VIEWED: 1734
PAGE 1 of 1

NIKI2

Tuesday, September 15, 2009 8:00 PM

Yup, Morford again...this was written a month ago, right after the North Koreans let those two reporters go. I posted this on the mental-health website I run back then, just for giggles, and just bumped up it again when one of our Brit members who's been on vacation responded with "I'm glad someone else feels the way I do!" Rereading it was fun, so I'm sharing it here. I'm sure it will offend some, but it makes me giggle all the way through so I'm gonna post it anyway. Cheney is just such a delish target...

Quote:
Dick Cheney rolls in his grave
Of course, he's not actually dead. He just wishes you were

Did you feel that? That sickly sort of rolling wave, that disquieting, genital-shriveling temblor of seething grumpiness that swept through the land and made dogs spasm, trees shudder and giant SUVs spit oil and misfire?

You might've missed it. It happened just after Bill Clinton returned from his rather astonishing rescue mission to North Korea, two exhausted, grateful, grinning, tearful young American female journalists in tow, Al Gore standing by with a giant smile and President Obama and much of his administration off in the wings, nodding approvingly, as the entire nation found itself a bit dumbfounded at the calm and rather effortless brand of new, intelligent, humble, hugely effective humanitarian patriotism on display here.

The churning, teeth-grinding rumble of disquiet? It was coming, of course, from Dick Cheney.

(Author note: From here on out, the phrase "Dick Cheney" shall hereby refer not merely to the former vice-president himself, but also to the sour, clenched worldview he so perfectly encapsulated and still so lovingly represents.

Dick Cheney is a lexical wonder. He can be a violent action verb: "Dude I just Dick Cheney'd that squirrel with my F-150." He is a dark intention: "Let's pull a Dick Cheney on that queer kid in the locker room." He is, most of all, a state of being, a mindset, a fixed position of general disgust. "Sorry lady, I can't save you from this burning building. I'm far too Dick Cheney to give a damn." Clear? Excellent. Let's continue).

See, I'm guessing Dick Cheney the man/mindset was none too pleased at the recent turn of news events. I imagine Dick to be right now re-watching the various video clips of the North Korea fiasco, scowling deeply at the silly/surreal photos of Clinton seated next to -- and towering over -- little Kim Jong Il, the former a natural statesman and the latter trying like hell not to look like some sort of scruffy hunk of semicomatose lint.

Dick is right now hurling his razor-filled oatmeal at the TV screen, wondering just what the hell happened to the true-blooded, trigger-happy, America-as-a-clenched-fist country he worked so hard to devolve and decimate and turn into a giant itchy shotgun. Sending a former president to talk with this pipsqueak terrorist? Giving a nuke-happy dictator a face-saving photo op on the NYT? Dick despises every goddamn liberal hippie second of it.

See, what Dick would've done is, Dick would've marched right in to Pyongyang -- or rather, let some unlucky Marines march over there -- with a few nukes, about 50 tons of C4 and a squadron of fighters, and shown that wobbly pipsqueak tyrant the what what.

Oh sure, an insane, intractable pseudo war with a destitute, pathetic country like North Korea would've been a disaster in roughly 1,000 ways. Who the hell cares? Dick would've made a fortune. He and his hawk buddies would've never let America look so weak in the eyes of dismal tyrants the world over as Obama and Clinton just did -- no matter how well it worked, no matter that it might lead to renewed talks about shutting down N. Korea's nuke program, no matter that the two reporters are now home safe and happy, and it didn't cost the U.S. hundreds of billions, waste soldiers lives and earn us the hate and disrespect of the planet. Dick wants none of that crap.

Former U.N. Ambassador and noted hunk of anger meat John Bolton was quick to

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BYTEMITE

Tuesday, September 15, 2009 8:28 PM

Welllll... Okay, point. But I still don't like all the backhanded crap going on in this administration, either. I don't think being more subtle about screwing people over is necessarily a good thing.

WULFENSTAR

Tuesday, September 15, 2009 8:31 PM

Subtlety is the cornerstone of a good Democrat.

I may disagree with Republicans... but at least they put it out there.

DEADLOCKVICTIM

Tuesday, September 15, 2009 8:48 PM

Author! Author!....

Quote:

Cheney is just such a delish target...

gee, I've come to think of him more as a giant carbuncle on the ass of human history....

BYTEMITE

Tuesday, September 15, 2009 9:02 PM

I will agree with that too.

SIGNYM

Tuesday, September 15, 2009 9:21 PM

My cube-mates musta thought I'd gone completely off my nut. 'Cause there I was, chortling behind my hands, trying (unsuccessfully) to muffle my yelps and howls. I nearly peed my chair.

I haven't read such a mordant roasting since Winston Churchill's quotes.

NIKI2

Tuesday, September 15, 2009 9:29 PM

Good! I'm glad some of you liked it, at least...my work is done for the day! Here's your example of sarcasm and satire, whoever asked about it...was it Geezer, or Wulf? Had to be one or the other. I LOVE Morford's sense of humor on some subjects, even when he goes over the top, and like I said, Cheney is just such a TEMPTING target!

Byte, it's for FUN; if you think he's the carbunkle, surely you enjoy seeing him roasted? It's not about left or right, it's about what a gorram maniac the man is!

And subtlety? Where's the subtlety? I sure couldn't find any!

Republicans, by the way, don't "put it out there"--at least not lately. They say something to manipulate their bsae; they deny or disclaim it to the rest of the world. They encourage their nutbags, then decry them publicly.

Then, of course, there's all the hypocrisy of the "we've got the morality thing all OVER you heathen dems" and the later discoveries of their own wantonness.

Yes, sir, right out there, you betcha!

I know what you mean, Sig...it's been a month since I read it, but it made me giggle all over again.

________________________
Together we are greater than the sum of our parts

KWICKO

Wednesday, September 16, 2009 12:44 AM

Crap - One minor disaster, and here I am caught playing catch-up! No computer access at work this week - a delivery truck went through and somehow managed to snag our electric lines, and not only pulled the utility pole down, but even managed to pull ALL the electrical juncture boxes off the outside wall, cutting power to the entire building. Now they're putting the boxes up and rewiring everything, but the city still has to come out and inspect everything to make sure it's up to code (any bets as to how many "inspections" it'll take before they sign off, if no money changes hands on the first one?). Oddly, if it HAD been up to code to start with, this couldn't have happened. I've told the property owner repeatedly that city code requires power lines to be at least 16' above the ground, and these were at 12'.

So meanwhile, here's me, trying to work by candlelight, not able to get anything shipped out, since I have no way of running my shipping software or printing labels or manifests...

And I come home to find myself late to this, and now I have to play catch-up and read it all!

I'll be back; but first, dinner.

Mike

Old friend charity
Cruel twisted smile
And the smile signals emptiness
For me
Starless and Bible black

CHRISISALL

Wednesday, September 16, 2009 1:41 AM

Cheney was a hero. When we all go to Hell, you will see this. Satan seats his best near him.

The laughing Chrisisall

PIRATECAT

Wednesday, September 16, 2009 2:05 AM

The O just signed a contract with Haliburton. Did I not tell you that I knew alot of liberals who work for the H. Where is Cindy when you need her. Troops still being cut down in the sandbox.

"Battle of Serenity, Mal. Besides Zoe here, how many-" "I'm talkin at you! How many men in your platoon came out of their alive".

NIKI2

Wednesday, September 16, 2009 7:19 PM

Mike: Bumm-ER! So, you had plenty of time since then, where's the promised response?

Chris: I don't have a "hell" to go to, so you'll have to wave to Cheney for me, 'kay? Spit in his eye, while you're there, also for me...

________________________
Together we are greater than the sum of our parts

KWICKO

Thursday, September 17, 2009 1:09 AM

Niki:

Oh. My. Gawd.

I simply MUST find this man's column online. I think I have a new idol. Someone as angry as I am, and a far better writer, with a much tighter focus.

Thanks for giving me that. I'm in awe.

Of course, when he says "Dick Cheney rolls in his grave", I'm assuming he means the one Cheney sleeps in during the day, right? Because at night, he's out draining the blood from small children! Seriously, have you ever seen Cheney anywhere near a small child? He can't be around them, because his demon will take over and he'll rip their heads off and drink 'em dry. It can't be helped. It's also why no heart attack can kill him; it's gonna take a stake.

CHRISISALL

Thursday, September 17, 2009 1:18 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Niki2:
Chris: I don't have a "hell" to go to, so you'll have to wave to Cheney for me, 'kay? Spit in his eye, while you're there, also for me...

Oh, I plan to give Satan AND Cheney a rough time down there, then I'll move on to greener pastures in Heaven, then on to other worlds & dimensions.
It's all good, doncha know.

The laughing Chrisisall

CHRISISALL

Thursday, September 17, 2009 1:22 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Kwicko:
Of course, when he says "Dick Cheney rolls in his grave", I'm assuming he means the one Cheney sleeps in during the day, right?

There's a reason why Cheney & Dracula have never been seen together at the same time!

The laughing Chrisisall

KWICKO

Thursday, September 17, 2009 1:44 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
Quote:
Originally posted by Kwicko:
Of course, when he says "Dick Cheney rolls in his grave", I'm assuming he means the one Cheney sleeps in during the day, right?
There's a reason why Cheney & Dracula have never been seen together at the same time!

The laughing Chrisisall

Yeah - because Dracula has standards!

I mean, fuck, the guy's evil and undead, but he's not SICK!

Mike

Old friend charity
Cruel twisted smile
And the smile signals emptiness
For me
Starless and Bible black

BYTEMITE

Thursday, September 17, 2009 1:59 AM

Quote:
Byte, it's for FUN; if you think he's the carbunkle, surely you enjoy seeing him roasted? It's not about left or right, it's about what a gorram maniac the man is!

Cheney is greedy, petty, vindictive, a sabre-rattler. He shot his friend in the face, and got his friend to apologize to HIM. He lied to the american public to go into a needless war that's proving harder and harder to get out of, all the while his company made billions of dollars off contracts in Iraq.

And Cheney is ARROGANT enough to think he was actually doing the right thing, the right way.

No, I don't like Cheney. Nor do I like Tom Bolton, who the article also took a shot at.

I think maybe this author's writing style doesn't hit me just right. No offense.

And something about hearing Bill Clinton coming off an airplane praised as a hero from N. Korea with two female journalists on his arms... I dunno, it makes me think staged, but I don't remember any of the particulars about this one.

Anyway, I was mostly responding to your comment about the end, about "for all you people who think this administration is worse than the Bush administration..."

Yes, you're right, this administration doesn't have Cheney.

And that may not make any difference.

CHRISISALL

Thursday, September 17, 2009 2:09 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Kwicko:

Yeah - because Dracula has standards!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

The laughing Chrisisall

FREMDFIRMA

Thursday, September 17, 2009 3:42 AM

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EvenEvilHasStandards

S'funny tho, since one of my primary allies (Jackie) is a direct descendant of the ole Count hisself, and when irked enough, it shows.

-F

KWICKO

Thursday, September 17, 2009 12:11 PM

Quote:

Yes, you're right, this administration doesn't have Cheney.

And that may not make any difference.

With ya on that one, Byte. I *HOPE* this administration will *CHANGE*, but so far I'm seeing mostly "more of the same"...

Call me cautiously pessimistic.

Mike

Old friend charity
Cruel twisted smile
And the smile signals emptiness
For me
Starless and Bible black

NIKI2

Thursday, September 17, 2009 6:44 PM

...and call me cautiously optimistic. I still have hope, hard as it is to hold onto right now. It HAS only been eight months...and he's fighting a giant uphill battle, between the right deciding it's going to do nothing but try to bring him down and stymie ANY legislation, and the enormous tasks he's dealing with, and trying to deal with up against their opposition to everything.

I don't think it's fair to judge him yet...ask me in two years or so.

Oh, Byte

Quote:
And something about hearing Bill Clinton coming off an airplane praised as a hero from N. Korea with two female journalists on his arms

Of COURSE it was staged! Clinton wouldn't have done it, I'm betting, if he weren't promised he'd look like a hero and get all the publicity, attention, etc., he's missing these days! I don't credit Clinton with what happened, I credit shrewdness in using him and the fallibility of Il's infantile desire for attention and validation as "powerful". Hmmm...maybe Clinton's same...

Glad you liked it, Mike. I adore his stuff--a lot of the time. He goes overboard, but most of the time I at the very least get a giggle or two, and sometimes it's viscerally pleasant to have someone say what I feel, just as you said.

If you're serious, I guarantee you some fun sarcasm, satire and political commentary--he writes on SFGate twice a week, and e-mails his columns to those who subscribe to them. His website is at http://markmorford.com/MM/You_are_in_the_right_place.html if you're interested in more about him--and you can find all his columns there, too.

I like having them e-mailed to me; the ones I don't like I can just trash, but it means I get a snippet of the start of the column and a link to read the rest if I'm interested, without any effort on my part (being basically lazy!). To get them or write him or get on his mailing list:

Quote:
Mark Morford's column appears every Wednesday and Friday on SFGate. Contact him at mmorford@sfgate.com (and he WILL reply, we've exchanged e-mails occasionally and he always does). To get on the notification list for this column, go to http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/newsletter/services/signup (you have to sign up, unfortunately, and then select his column to receive) and remove one article of clothing. To get on Mark's personal mailing list (appearances, books, blogs, yoga and more), go to http://visitor.constantcontact.com/manage/optin/ea?v=00147Jgk4c64VOrWu
zm0WWl4A%3D%3D and remove three more.

________________________
Together we are greater than the sum of our parts

KWICKO

Friday, September 18, 2009 12:09 AM

Thanks again, Niki. I figured out who he reminds me of: Matt Taibbi of Rolling Stone. Specifically, THIS article from 2006, about Tom Delay:

Quote:
THANK YOU, TOM DELAY
You were the Hammer- the most brutal and feared of all Republican leaders- but only your rank incompetence saved us from your revolution.

The halls of congress already feel different. Under the old House majority leader, the Rayburn Building had the Kubrickian feel of the Full Metal Jacket barracks – heels audibly clicking, something evil hissing in the background. Now it just feels like a building.

I ran into a Democratic staffer friend. “Admit it,” I said. “You’re going to miss Tom DeLay.”
He frowned at me. “Taibbi, you ever have a hemorrhoid?”
I shrugged. “Sure,” I said.
“You miss it?” he asked, then walked away not waiting for my answer.

There are some people out there who think that Tom DeLay is too easy a target, that it’s cheap to hit him now, while he’s down. It makes sense on the surface. DeLay is a short guy with a paunch and an ass-crack face who spent most of his pre-congressional life cutting rat bait and growing the state of Texas’ silliest set of sideburns. He was ugly outside and in: His religious conversion came while watching a video-taped James Dobson sermon, which means that the most important moment of his spiritual life occurred as he sat in front of a television. In a hilarious example of petty capitalist parasitism, he bought his pest control company, Albo, in order to feed off the dubious largess of the Alpo dog food company. Like our current president, he’s an ex-drunk (he claims he used to suck down twelve martinis a night) given to preposterous rhetorical excesses (he once compared the Audubon Society to the Klan), making him a sort of cartoon version of a shameless, pig-hearted right-wing hypocrite.

He was, moreover, all of these things, always, without ever for a second exhibiting any countermanding positive qualities. Tom DeLay was never handsome, never eloquent, never profound, never engaging and certainly never funny. Chicks did not dig DeLay. There is no secondary career as an adored, turtlenecked, coed-ogling poli-sci professor awaiting him. No bar back home full of tough guys is waiting to serve him up a congratulatory cold one, nobody at NASA will name the next comet after him, and he will not be a candidate for the next commissioner of the NFL. The only people left to honor his name will be a bunch of dingbat Christian dispensationalists with big ears and skyblue suits eager to reward him for his undeniable role in speeding humanity toward the Apocalypse.

No, without his hands on the levers of power, DeLay is a total zero, a loser, 200-odd pounds of the world’s purest pussy repellent, and with his resignation, many out there will be tempted to revel in that fact without considering the larger picture.

And the larger picture is this: Tom DeLay was the Stalin of the Republican revolution. The difference is we caught him in time.

The right-wing revolution started out as all revolutions start out: as a piece of upper-class political theater that used the unwashed masses as a stage prop, a pair of crossed pistols on the wall. It was always absurd, this idea of a savage campaign against “elites” being led by a poofy wordsmith like Rush Limbaugh, a Harvard fatty like Grover Norquist, a dickless academic like Newt Gingrich, and a diaper-dumping oligarch like George W. Bush. They were just another band of mischievous aristocrats who played at being the voice of the common man – these new wingers sold themselves as the champions of the fucked-over little guy, in this case the terminally frustrated boobus Americanus, who for decades had been made to sit idly by while ethnics stole his job, evil liberals mocked his religion and his simple way of life, and media “elitists” shut out his views and sent porn and married queers into his living room via the television set.

What made Tom DeLay different is that Tom DeLay was a little guy. He had more in common with Bill Clinton (whom not surprisingly he de

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GINOBIFFARONI

Friday, September 18, 2009 12:26 AM

At least Obama is undoing some of Bush's stupidity

Euphoria over Obama's Decision To Shelve Missile Shield

http://www.spiegel.de/international/world/0,1518,649732,00.html

" I don't believe in hypothetical situations - it's kinda like lying to your brain "

" They don't hate America, they hate Americans " Homer Simpson

Lets party like its 1939

KWICKO

Friday, September 18, 2009 3:22 AM

But he's got eight years of the stupidity to undo, and not much time to undo it. More, faster, please.

NIKI2

Friday, September 18, 2009 5:23 PM

Mmm, I liked Taibbi's article, but there's no HUMOR, no satire...I miss that. One of the things I like most about Morford is that, at least once or twice in each article, he gives you a description or something that is just so right on you can't help but giggle, no matter the subject.

Nonetheless, yes, I see the similarity, and I liked the article (column?).

And yes, I heard about the missle shield. Huzzah! Again, despite the Defense Department not wanting it and being glad it's gone, despite their saying the other proposed idea is more sensible, costs less (imagine the Defense Dept. saying THAT!) and has a better chance of achieving the aim, the Right has grabbed it with both hands to claim Obama is "soft on national defense". I'm sick to death of it.

Quote:
But he's got eight years of the stupidity to undo, and not much time to undo it. More, faster, please.

YES, please, before the manipulative propagandists have time to turn the country against him--as they're doing so well so far!

________________________
Together we are greater than the sum of our parts

KWICKO

Friday, September 18, 2009 10:24 PM

Oh, see, I find Taibbi hilarious. Guess it's a different kind of humor - more cynical, more world-worn and weary...

Quote:
The only people left to honor his name will be a bunch of dingbat Christian dispensationalists with big ears and skyblue suits eager to reward him for his undeniable role in speeding humanity toward the Apocalypse.

Maybe it's because I actually live here, and I know EXACTLY who he's talking about, because they're right in line in front of me at the grocery store. And yes, they DO have big ears and skyblue suits, and they really do think Obama's a Muslim and an alien, and they fervently pray (sounds like "prey") that some horrific disaster will befall him.

Mike

Old friend charity
Cruel twisted smile
And the smile signals emptiness
For me
Starless and Bible black

NIKI2

Friday, September 18, 2009 11:51 PM

Yes, I very much liked the descriptive sarcasm, and there was more than just that. I guess I enjoy the lighter stuff more. But his writing is undeniably good...where can I find more?

________________________
Together we are greater than the sum of our parts

KWICKO

Saturday, September 19, 2009 12:48 AM

Taibbi's with Rolling Stone, where he writes articles, a column, and an online column as well. Plus, he has various blogs, he writes for a few other places on top of that, and he occasionally does some work for Real Time with Bill Maher and sits in with Rachel Maddow and/or Keith Olbermann.

The man seems to be a one-man juggernaut of left-wing smartassery! :)

I think it was SignyM who posted an earlier column of his back in July, about how Goldman-Sachs has benefited from every economic downturn in the last century, and will continue to do so.

Not all his stuff is snarky, but when he's at his smart-alecky best, he's just pure gold.

Mike

Old friend charity
Cruel twisted smile
And the smile signals emptiness
For me
Starless and Bible black