Worst of the Worst - Contribute to The Most Awful Fic Ever Written

POSTED BY: jetflair
UPDATED: Friday, February 17, 2012 18:36
VIEWED: 87562
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MOONDOG

Sunday, February 8, 2009 10:38 PM

Oh. Well unfortunately Piper is not well known these days. His books have been out of print for so long that some of them are now Public Domain. If you are interested, Google "Project Gutenburg" and you'll find them.

MOONDOG

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 12:37 AM

I just had a typically brilliant idea! Yes it did hurt but after a handfull of asperin and a bit of a lie down I'm better, thank you. I was watching an epsode of Sherlock Holmes--Jeremy Brett & Edward Hardwicke, of course--when the idea hit me. Mal (and maybe Zoe) is arrested on a seemingly ironclad charge of murder and River gets to play Holmes, With Simon tagging along hopefully to keep her out of trouble--as if he would be needed--and to play Watson. I can just hear her "Elementry, my dear Simon. If you eliminate the impossable all that remains, no matter how improbable must be the truth." I can also picture Jayne's reaction, wanting to bust him out by brute force and Simon has to slip him a tranc to keep him from hurting himsself.

every takeoff is optional, every landing is manditory

INSTANTKARMAGIRL

Friday, February 13, 2009 8:53 PM

ANOTHERSKY

Wednesday, March 4, 2009 6:43 PM

Takes up chant:
No Joss Anywhere! No Joss Anywhere!

Mimsy the widget? You are already my hero.

Serenity needs to be rehauled, preferably by Kaylee with no materials but chewing gum and foil. Twice. And River needs to tell her she's doing it wrong and she should really be fixing Simon.

Right before Simon goes into a hypersensitive hissy fit about this when...

Mal breaks in (bleeding) with a HUGE shipwide problem and for some reason Inara appears newly dressed in a PRACTICAL outfit that is her attempt at snorking the training house regulations which is 800 light years away and pulls Mal away into a quiet recess.

The ghost of Wash appears in the form of a tell-all tape that says what he only said before to his dinosaurs about his true feelings about each of the crew.

Oh--Original Characters need more of em. So Jayne can do the two things he does best. you fill that in.

Going for a ride.

--Another Sky

ALIASSE

Monday, March 16, 2009 7:51 PM

Can you please describe Badger somewhere as 'a funny little Irishman'. Saw this in a fic once and it makes me laugh everyday. 'e's not an Irishman, ya muppit, 'e's a LANDANER!

BIGDAMNFANBOY

Tuesday, October 4, 2011 5:03 AM

I am truly shocked, hasn't anyone mentioned threesomes? Also needs more Simon, for example Simon always acts like he wants to be in control when really he yearns for Mal or Jayne or Both (wink wink) to bend him over a rail and ravish him. Simon has to painfully admit to Kaylee that he's gay only to decide later that he doesn't need to pick only one gender to have sex with. I also agree with whoever suggested that Simon have no sexual experience, this allows for Simon to be embarrassed and for his lover/lovers to comfort him by telling him ho amazing the sex was.

BYTEMITE

Tuesday, October 4, 2011 5:08 PM

River decides she needs to birth a super-baby, with the combined genetic material of everyone on the crew, and drugs them with crazy-making-drugs. Wrong anatomy terms (pancreas! tibia!) and bodily functions (I recommend "respiration") are used, blood is referred to in place of any other fluids, characters describe impossible acts that they're doing out loud. A pineapple is involved, for some reason.

Similarly, freudian slips should be peppered throughout the rest of the fanfic.

Inara swears every other word. Her favourite swear should be "mother----er."

While on planet, they drive Serenity around like a truck. Wheels are inexplicably mentioned.

EBFIDDLER

Thursday, October 13, 2011 12:23 AM

OMG, this thread was so funny! I was laughing til I cried!

Let's see, I could add:

Kaylee spouts techie gibberish: "I'm gonna hot-wire the freeze-ray to the live-mag catalyzer, spring it to the compressor coil and irradiate the tungsten relay. That should do it." Simon nods sagely, like he understands what she said, and Mal says "I need that in Captain Dummy talk." Jayne, in character as a Wise Man, says, "That IS Captain Dummy talk."

Simon pulls off a dramatic rescue in the infirmary: "Mal has bled out more blood than is contained within the human body, with or without adequate vacuuming systems, but I shall nonetheless save him with this high tech Neurovisionary-Proximaldistal-Medicaljargon Scanner that I conveniently picked up on the last underdeveloped backwater slum moon without so much as a temple built that we visited (again conveniently) just before we headed into this job, even though I had no reason to anticipate that we'd need one of those. Ever." Mal (waking up, despite having no blood and having just been saved from certain death): "Doc, I'm tired of being stuck in this gorram infirmary. I'm gonna be a stubborn wangbadan and go to my own bunk and engage in vigorous sexual activities with Inara/River/Simon/Jayne/Mary Sue." *proceeds to do so*

BYTEMITE

Thursday, October 13, 2011 3:06 AM

And then Mal was a zombie.

EBFIDDLER

Thursday, October 13, 2011 3:31 AM

And has anyone read "Generic S/K Plot Outline" by ManicGiraffe? It incorporates just about every Firefly fanfic cliche there is in one hilarious read. Highlights include:
Thrilling heroics
Simon and Kaylee misunderstanding one another, repeatedly (and again)
Mal manfully brooding
River alternating between crazy and bratty
Shepherd Book sitting quietly in a corner because no one knows what to do with him in the average fanfic

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