What's your best joke?
POSTED BY: EvilBungle
UPDATED: Wednesday, December 6, 2006 04:14
VIEWED: 13509
PAGE 3 of 6
*snerk*
Serenity,
President of The Juggled Gosling Chatroom
Bride8
http://callmeserenity.livejournal.com/
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A man walks into the doctor’s office with a huge bruise on his face and says,
“Can you help me out here Doc, my girlfriend just hauled off and hit me in the head… I think she broke my nose..”
The doctor asks him what he did to provoke her.
“Aw, I called her a 2-bit whore…”
“Oh my” says the doctor… “What did she hit you with?”
The man replies… “A bag of quarters…”
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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are about to do a charity walk across a desert. They can take onw item with them.
The Englishman says that he'll have a crate of beer so that when he gets thirsty he can have a drink.
The Scotsman says that he'll have a crate of whiskey so that when he gets thirsty he can have a drink.
The Irishman says that he'll have a car door so that when he gets warm he can wind the window down!!
A couple are in bed on holiday at their villa. An escaped convict breaks into the house, ties up the husband and then kisses the wife on the cheek before disappearing into the bathroom.
The husband says that the man looks really dangerous and is obviously desperate so she should just let him have his way and get it over with. Remember though that he will always love her.
The wife says thanks but the criminal whispered that he was going for the vaseline and thinks that her hubby is really cute. Remember honey that I love you too!!
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I got a long one... are you ready? You sure?
One warm summer day in the forest there was a lake and hovering 4" above this lake was a fly. This fly was thinking to itself: "You know, I'm really thirsty but if I drop down 4" for a drink I might get eaten by a fish. I don't want to die."
Unbeknownst to the fly, there is a fish slowly gliding under the surface of the lake. This fish spys the fly hovering over the water and thinks to himself: "I bet that fly is thirsty, he'll probably drop down to grab a drink. I'd have lunch without any extra work, it'd be great."
Unbeknownst to the fish, there is a racoon scurrying along the edge of the lake. Now this racoon notices the fish eyeing the fly and thinks to himself: "If that fly drops 4" that fish will eat the fly which will bring him within range of my pounce. I'd have lunch without any extra work, it'd be great!"
Unbeknownst to the racoon there's a cougar prowling in the woods. Now this cougar notices the racoon watching the fish who is eyeing the fly and thinks to himself: "If that fly drops 4" that fish will eat the fly which will bring him within range of the racoon who will pounce, which will leave the racoon stranded and make for an easy kill. I'd have lunch without any extra work, it'd be great!"
Unbeknownst to the cougar there's a hunter hiding on the other side of the lake. Now this hunter notices the cougar looking at the racoon who is watching the fish who is eyeing the fly and thinks to himself: "If that fly drops 4" that fish will eat the fly which will bring him within ranch of the racoon who will pounce, which will leave the racoon stranded and make for an easy kill for the cougar which would bring the cougar out into the open and make for an easy shot. I'd have a trophy without any extra work, it'd be great!"
Unbeknownst to the hunter there's a mouse scurrying around behind him. Now this mouse notices the hunter who sees the cougar looking at the racoon who is watching the fish who is eyeing the fly and thinks to himself: "If that fly drops 4" that fish will eat the fly which will bring him within ranch of the racoon who will pounce, which will leave the racoon stranded and make for an easy kill for the cougar which would bring the cougar out into the open and make for an easy shot for the hunter and the recoil of which would knock the sandwich out of the hunter's pocket. I'd have lunch without any extra work, it'd be great!"
Unbeknownst to the mouse there's a cat stalking in the bushes behind him. Now this cat notices the mouse eyeing the sandwich in the hunter's pocket who sees the cougar looking at the racoon who is watching the fish who is eyeing the fly and thinks to himself: "If that fly drops 4" that fish will eat the fly which will bring him within ranch of the racoon who will pounce, which will leave the racoon stranded and make for an easy kill for the cougar which would bring the cougar out into the open and make for an easy shot for the hunter and the recoil of which would knock the sandwich out of the hunter's pocket and that mouse will scurry out into the open. I'd have lunch without any extra work, it'd be great!"
Well... guess what happened?
The fly dropped 4";
The fish leaped out of the water and ate the fly;
The racoon dove in the lake and snatched the fish;
The cougar pounced onto the racoon;
The hunter took his shoot;
The recoil knocked the sandwich onto the ground;
The mouse scurried over to the sandwich;
The cat ran for the mouse... tripped and fell in the lake.
What's the moral of the story?
Select to view spoiler:
Everytime a fly drops 4" a pussy gets wet!
And have a good day!
And if someday on some little piss-ant moon/My hand is a little too slow, or my aim a little bit off/At least I’ll go down fighting, not lying abed surrounded by quacks - "Sir Warrick" by Geezer
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Stevie Wonder is playing a concert, where a Japanese guy in the front row starts heckling - "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Stevie is pleased that someone appreciates the jazz side of his music, hits a G minor seventh and round this improvises a ripping 10-minute jazz-fusion workout.
The crowd go crazy, and the Japanese guy shouts again "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" As it seems to be going well, Stevie then hits a suspended D and round this improvises another 10-minute jazz-fusion workout.
Again the crowd go crazy, but this time the Japanese guy seems to be getting annoyed - "No, no, no! Your not playing a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
"Hey man," says Stevie, "if you have a better idea what I should be playing, why don't you come up and try yourself?" With that, the Japanese guy gets up on stage, takes a microphone and starts singing:-
"A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you!"
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Did you hear about the gay rugby team?
At their last match they scored three tries and a conversion.
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A woman is walking her 3 year old daughter in a stroller when the daughter asks, "Mommy why's my name Rose?". The woman replies, "well honey, when we took you home from the hospital we couldn't think of a name, but a man walked by and dropped a bunch of roses on your head so we decided to call you Rose". Later that day she was taking her five year old daughter for a walk when the daughter asked, "Mommy why's my name Daisy?". The woman replied, "well honey, when we took you home from the hospital we couldn't think of a name, but a daisy suddenly blew onto your head so we decided to call you Daisy. When the woman got home her 12 year old daughter yelled, "Muahaanagaranguahfmblaah" to which the mother replied, "Shut up Fridge!". I've got a few more but I don't think they're really appropriate 
Beware the Giant Sock-Eating Purple Llama!!!
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Q: How do you keep a bunch of fools in suspense?
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Quote:
Originally posted by SimonWho:
Q: How do you keep a bunch of fools in suspense?
Uumm... not telling them the answer?
And if someday on some little piss-ant moon/My hand is a little too slow, or my aim a little bit off/At least I’ll go down fighting, not lying abed surrounded by quacks - "Sir Warrick" by Geezer
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