random thread
POSTED BY: Guywhowantsafireflyofhisown
UPDATED: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 04:33
VIEWED: 5693
PAGE 3 of 5
Cut to Arthur Crackpot sitting at a large curved desk on the front of which a sign says 'Crackpot Religions Ltd.' Arthur Crackpot President and God (Ltd)'.
Crackpot: This is an example of the sort of abuse we get all the time from ignorant people. I inherited this religion from my father, an ex-used-car salesman and part-time window-box, and I am very proud to be in charge of the first religion with free gifts. You get this luxury tea-trolley with every new enrolment. (pictures of this and the subsequent gifts) In addition to this you can win a three-piece lounge suite, this luxury caravan, a weekend for two with Peter Bonetti and tonighes star prize, the entire Norwich City Council.
(Curtains go up to reveal the council. Terrific 'ooh' from an audience. Bad organ chords played by a nude man).
Crackpot: And remember with only eight scoring draws you can win a bishopric in a see of your own choice. You see we have a much more' modern approach to religion.
(Cut to a person in church. They are walkning past a pillar. They take out some money and put it in a collecting box. A sign on the box says 'For the rich'. We hear the money going in, then it moves off, along pipes, falling down; eventually it tomes down a small pipe and lands with a tinkle in Crackpot's ashtray. Ht tries the money with his teeth, pops it into his pocket, and finishes reading...)
Crackpot: Blessed is Arthur Crackpot and all his subsidiaries Ltd. You see, in our Church we have a lot more fun.
Priest: (We see he has a woman with him) Oh, Mrs Collins, you did say you were nervious, didn't you? You have eyes on the coffee machine?
Mrs Collins: I don't mind, I don't mind - it's just nice to be here, Reverend.
Priest: (slaps her) Archdeacon! You asked for the coffee machine ... so lets see what you've won? You chose Hymn no. 437. (goes to hymn board, removes one of the numbers, and reads what's on the back) Oh, Mrs Collins, you had eyes on the coffee machine. Well you have won tonight's star prize: the entire 'Norwich City Council.
(Organ music, oohs and applause from audience.)
Mrs Collins: I've got one already. (the priest starts to throttle her)
(Cut back to Crackpot in his Office.)
Crackpot: A lot of religions - no names no pack drill - do go for the poorer type of person - face it, there's more of 'em - poor people, thieves, villains, poor people without no money at all - well we don't have none of that tat. Rich people and crumpet over sixteen can enter free: upper middle class quite welcome; lower middle class not under five grand a year. Lower class - I can't touch it. There's no return on it, you see.
(Pull back to show interviewer sitting at his side.)
Interviewer: Do you have any difficulty converting people?
Crackpot: Oh no, well we have ways of making them join.
(Cut to a photo of a bishops)
(SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: "THE BISHOP OF DULWICH')
Crackpot's Voice: Norman there does a lot of converting: a lot of protection, that son of thing. And there's his mate, Bruce Beer.
(Photo of Aussie bishop with beer can)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: (THE ARCHBISHOP OF AUSTRALIA')
Crackpot's Voice: Brucie has personally converted ninety-two people twenty-five inside the distance. Then again we're not afraid to use more modern methods.
(Cut to 'Daily Mirror' type pin-up of a bikinied lovely in a silly pose, on a beach with a bishop's mitre and Bible. A large headline reads: 'North See Gas'. A subheading says 'Bishop Sarah', then below that, this blurb which is also read voice over.)
Voice Over: Sarah, today's diocesan lovely is enough to make any chap. go down on his knees. This twenty-three-year-old bishop hails appropriately enough from Bishop's Stortford and lists her hobbies as swimming, riding, and film producers. What a gas! Bet she's no novice when it comes to converting all in her See.
(Cut to Gumby in street.)
(SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ARCHBISHOP GUMBY')
Gumby: (shouting laboriously) Basically, I believe in peace and bashing two bricks together. (he bashes two bricks toget
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Cut to a wide-angle shot of hedgerows, fields and trees. Voice Over (John Cleese): In this picture there are forty people. None of them can be seen. In this film we hope to show you how not to be seen.
(Caption on screen: 'HM GOVERNMENT, PUBLIC SERVICE FILM NO. 42 PARA 6. "HOW NOT TO BE SEEN"')
Voice Over: In this film we hope to show how not to be seen. This is Mr. E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court, Black Lion Road London SE5. He can not be seen. Now I am going to ask him to stand up. Mr. Bradshaw will you stand up please
In the distance Mr Bradshaw stands up. There is a loud gunshot as Mr Bradshaw is shot in the stomach. He crumples to the ground
Voice Over: This demonstrates the value of not being seen.
Cut to another location - an empty area of scrub land
Voice Over: In this picture we cannot see Mrs. B.J. Smegma of 13, The Crescent, Belmont. Mrs Smegma will you stand up please.
To the right of the area Mrs Smegma stands up. A gunshot rings out, and Mrs. Smegma leaps into the air, and falls to the ground dead. Cut to another area, however this time there is a bush in the middle
Voice Over: This is Mr Nesbitt of Harlow New Town. Mr Nesbit would you stand up please. (after a pause - nothing happens)Mr Nesbitt has learnt the value of not being seen. However he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.
The bush explodes and you hear a muffled scream. Cut to another scene with three bushes
Voice Over: Mr. E.V. Lambert of Homeleigh, The Burrows, Oswestry, has presented us with a poser. We do not know which bush he is behind, but we can soon find out. (the left-hand bush explodes, then the right-hand bush explodes, and then the middle bush explodes. There is a muffled scream as Mr. Lambert is blown up) Yes it was the middle one.
Cut to a shot of a farmland area with a water butt, a wall, a pile of leaves, a bushy tree, a parked car, and lots of bushes in the distance
Voice Over: Mr Ken Andrews, of Leighton Road, Slough has concealed himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. He could be behind the wall, inside the water barrel, beneath a pile of leaves, up in the tree, squatting down behind the car, concealed in a hollow, or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes. However we happen to know he's in the water barrel.
The water barrel just blows up in a huge explosion. Cut to a panning shot from the beach huts to beach across the sea
Voice Over: Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Ivy Cottage, Worplesdon Road, Hull, chose a very cunning way of not being seen. When we called at their house, we found that they had gone away on two weeks holiday. They had not left any forwarding address, and they had bolted and barred the house to prevent us from getting in. However a neighbour told us where there were.
The camera pans around and stops on a obvious looking hut, which blows up. Cut to a house with a gumby standing out front
Voice Over: And here is the neighbour (he blows up, leaving just his boots. Cut to a shack in the desert) Here is where he lived (shack blows up - cut to a building) And this is where Lord Langdin lived who refused to speak to us (it blows up). so did the gentleman who lived here....(shot of a house - it blows up) and here.....(another building blows up) and of course here.....Spain....(Atomic explosion) the East midlands....(another atomic explosion) China! (insane laughter as we see a Hydrogen bomb go off)
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Presenter: Ah, well 'I'm afraid we have to stop the film there, as some of the scenes which followed were of a violent nature which might have proved distressing to some of our viewers. Though not to me, I can tell you. (cut to another camera; the presenter turns to face it,) In Nova Scotia today, Mr Roy Bent of North Walsham in Norfolk became the first man to cross the Atlantic on a tricycle. His tricycle, specially adapted for the crossing, was ninety feet long, with a protective steel hull, three funnels, seventeen first-class cabins and a radar scanner. (A head and shoulders picture of Roy Bent comes up on the screen behind him) Mr Bent is in our Durham studios, which is rather unfortunate as we're all down here in London. And in London I have with me Mr Ludovic Grayson, the man who scored all six goals in Arsenal's 1-0 victory over the Turkish Champions FC Botty.
(pull out to reveal that he is talking to a five-foot-high filing cabinet)
Presenter:: first of all congratulations on the victory.
Mr Grayson: (from inside filing cabinet) Thank you, David.
Presenter: It should send you back to Blighty with a big lead.
Mr Grayson: Oh yes, well we're fairly confident, David.
Presenter: Well at the moment, Ludovic, you're crouching down inside a filing cabinet.
Mr Grayson: Yes that's right, David, I'm trying not to be seen.
Presenter: I see. Is this through fear?
Mr Grayson: Oh no, no, it's common sense really. If they can't see you, they can't get you.
Presenter: Ha, ha, ha, but of course they can still hear you. (the filing cabinet explodes) Ludovic Grayson, thank you very much for coming on the programme tonight. And we end the show with music. And here with their very latest recording 'Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I've got love in my tummy' Jackie Charlton and the Tonettes.
(Cut to a trendy pop-music set with coloured lights, etc. On the main podium is a large packing crate with a microphone in front of it. The backing vocal is by three more packing crates with microphones. The instrumental group are also in crates. We hear the above mentioned pop song. Roll credits ova; Fade out. Cut to BBC 1 caption.)
Voice Over: For those of you who may have just missed 'Money Python's Flying Circus', here it is again.
(Entire show is recapped in a series of flash clips lasting about twenty seconds.)
What do you make of the nylon dot cardigan and plastic mule rest?
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Tomorrow is my birthday, I am rather excited 
Knitter of Cunning Jayne Hats
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Heres an early happy birthday for ya Sabri3l!
------
We're not telling people what to think, we're just trying to show them how.
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Yeah so I never saw the firefly episode Heart of Gold, and I just finished it......
TA MA DE!!!1!
That scene....with Mal and Nandi...when they kiss *fans self* and he is whispering to her between kisses... I didn't truly understand or participate in the Captain Tightpants appreciation/obsession until then.
Knitter of Cunning Jayne Hats
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
(AND NOW FOR ANOTHER EPISODE)
England, 1747
(Sounds of a coach and horses, galloping)
Moore: Stand and deliver!
Coachman: Not on your life (SHOT) ... aagh!
(Girl screams)
Moore: Let that be a warning to you all. You move at your peril, for I have two pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good shot. I practice every day...well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week. I expect I must practice, oh, at least four or five times a week...or more, really, but some weekends, like last weekend, there really wasn't the time, so that brings the average down a bit. I should say it's a solid four days' practice a week...At least...I mean...I reckon I could hit that tree over there. Er...the one just behind that hillock. The little hillock, not the big one on the...you see the three trees over there? Well, the one furthest away on the right... (fade)
(Fade up again)
Moore: What's the... the one like that with the leaves that are sort of regularly veined and the veins go right out with a sort of um...
Girl: Serrated?
Moore: Serrated edges.
Parson: A willow!
Moore: Yes.
Parson: That's nothing like a willow.
Moore: Well it doesn't matter, anyway. I can hit it seven times out of ten, that's the point.
Parson: Never a willow.
Moore: Shut up! It's a hold-up, not a Botany lesson. Now, no false moves please. I want you to hand over all the lupins you've got.
Squire: Lupins?
Moore: Yes, lupins. Come on, come on.
Parson: What do you mean, lupins?
Moore: Don't try to play for time.
Parson: I'm not, but... the flower lupin?
Moore: Yes, that's right.
Squire: Well we haven't got any lupins.
Girl: Honestly.
Moore: Look, my friends. I happen to know that this is the Lupin Express.
Squire: Damn!
Girl: Oh, here you are.
Moore: In a bunch, in a bunch!
Squire: Sorry.
Moore: Come on, Concorde! (Gallops off)
Chorus (sings): Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, galloping through the sward,
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, and his horse Concorde.
He steals from the rich, he gives to the poor,
Mr Moore, Mr Moore, Mr Moore.
TV Version coninues
Moore: Here we are, I'll be back.
(Moore wheels round and rides off.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE END'
(Pull back to reveal 'The End' is on TV in the house of Mrs. Trepidatious.)
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
(Pull back to to see the inside of the house of Mrs Trepidatious. Another old ratbag enters and sits opposite her.)
Mrs O: Morning, Mrs Trepidatious.
Mrs Trepidatious: Oh, I don't know what's good about it, my right arm's hanging off something awful.
Mrs O: Oh, you want to have that seen to.
Mrs Trepidatious: What, by that Dr Morrison? He's killed more patients than I've had severe boils.
Mrs O: What do the stars say?
Mrs Trepidatious: Well, Petula Clark says burst them early, but David Frost...
Mrs O: No, the stars in the paper, you cloth-eared heap of anteater's catarrh, the zodiacal signs, the horoscopic fates, the astrological portents, the omens, the genethliac prognostications, the mantalogical harbingers, the vaticinal utterances, the premonitory uttering of the mantalogical omens - what do the bleeding stars in the paper predict, forecast, prophesy, foretell, prognosticate...
(A big sheet is lowered with the words on.)
Voice Over: And this is where you at home can join in.
Mrs O: ... forebode, bode, augur, spell, foretoken, (the audience joins in) presage, portend, foreshow, foreshadow, forerun, herald, point to, betoken, indicate!
Mrs Trepidatious: I don't know.
(The sheet is raised again.)
Mrs O: What are you?
Mrs Trepidatious: I'm Nesbitt.
Mrs O: There's not a zodiacal sign called Nesbitt...
Mrs Trepidatious: All right, Derry and Toms.
Mrs O: (surveying paper) Aquarius, Scorpio, Virgo, Derry and Toms. April 29th to March 22nd. Even dates only.
Mrs Trepidatious: Well what does it presage?
Mrs O: You have green, scaly skin, and a soft yellow underbelly with a series of fin-like ridges running down your spine and tail. Although lizard like in shape, you can grow anything up to thirty feet in length with huge teeth that can bite off great rocks and trees. You inhabit arid sub-tropical zones and wear spectacles.
Mrs Trepidatious: It's very good about the spectacles.
Mrs O: It's amazing.
Mrs Trepidatious: Mm ... what's yours, Irene?
Mrs O: Basil.
Mrs Trepidatious: I'm sorry, what's yours, Basil?
Mrs O: No. That's my star sign, Basil...
Mrs Trepidatious: There isn't a...
Mrs O: Yes there is ... Aquarius, Sagittarius, Derry and Toms, Basil. June 21st to June 22nd.
Mrs Trepidatious: Well, what does it say?
Mrs O: You have green, scaly skin and a series of yellow underbellies running down your spine and tail ...
Mrs Trepidatious: That's exactly the same!
Mrs O: Try number one ... what's Aquarius?
Mrs Trepidatious: It's a zodiacal sign.
Mrs O: I know that, what does it say in the paper Mrs Flan-and-pickle?
Mrs Trepidatious: All right... Oh! It says, 'a wonderful day ahead'. You will be surrounded by family and friends. Roger Moore will drop in for lunch, bringing Tony Curtis with him. In the afternoon a substantial cash sum will come your way. In the evening Petula Clark will visit your home accompanied by Mike Samrues singers. She will sing for you in your own living room. Before you go to bed, Peter Wyngarde will come and declare his undying love for you.
Mrs O: Urghhl What's Scorpio?
Mrs Trepidatious: Oh, that's very good. 'You will have lunch with a schoolfriend of Duane Eddy's, who will insist on whistling some of Duane's greatest instrumental hits. In the afternoon you will die, you will be buried...'
(A doctor is lowered on a wire. The sketch continues into the 'Doctor' Sketch)
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Doctor: Good morning.
Mrs O: Oh, morning, doctor.
Doctor: How's the old arm this morning, Mrs Ikon?
Mrs Trepidatious: Oh, it's still hanging off at the shoulder.
Doctor: Good, well lees have a look at it, shall we? (he tries unsuccessfully to open his bag) Oh damn, damn, damn, damn... damn this wretched bag... oh the wretched, damn, bloody, little bag. It's the one thing I hate about being a doctor - it's this wretched bloody little bag!
(He smashes a chair over it and finally produces a revolver and shoots the lock off. It opens and is stuffed full of pound notes, Some of which spill out. He feels inside... eventually pulls out a stethoscope.)
Doctor: What's that doing here? (he throws it away)
(Cut to another doctor walking along a street. The stethoscope flies out of window and lands on him.)
Second Doctor: (brushing it off) Eurgggh!
(Cut back to the first doctor still rummaging in black bag. Eventually, he produces a pair of black kid gloves and a black handkerchief. He folds it and puts it on and points the gun at Mrs Trepidatious.)
Doctor: Hand over the money. (she goes to a sideboard opens the bottom drawer and gets out a money box which she gives to him) Come on, all of it! (she look scared; he jabs the gun at her; she goes over to a painting of a wall-safe on the wall and pushes it aside to reveal an identical wall-safe underneath. She opens it and a hand comes out holding a money box; she takes and gives it to the donor) Yes, that seems to be OK. Right! I'll just test your reflexes! (he opens his mac like a flasher; they scream and jump) Right, now then, everything seems to be OK, I'll see you next week. Keep collecting the pensions, and try not to spend too much on food. (he starts to go up)
Mrs Trepidatious: Thank you, doctor. (he disappears)
(Cut to a hospital ward. A man in bed, a chair with his clothes on it at fie foot of the bed. A doctor enters and goes right for the jacket and starts to feel in the pockets.)
Third Doctor: Morning, Mr Hemon ... How are we today?
Henson: Not too bad, doctor.
Third Doctor: OK, take it easy ... (he empties his wallet and puts it back) Expecting any postal orders this week?
Henson: No.
Third Doctor: Right-o.
(A nurse comes and gets the loose change. The doctor goes to the next bed where there is a man entirely in traction.)
Third Doctor: Ah, Mr Rodgets, have you got your unemployment benefit please? Right. Well can you write me a cheque then... please?
(The patient writes him a cheque. He goes to the foot of the bed. There is a graph with a money symbol on it. He marks it down further.)
Third Doctor: Thank you very much. Soon have you down to nothing. Ah, Mr Millichope. (he smiles and leaves, passing a man with a saline drip full of coins; chink of money)
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
(A TV debate set-up. Stern music starts as the lights come on.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTIONS:
'THE GREAT DEBATE'
'NUMBER 31'
'TV4 OR NOT TV4?'
Kennedy: Hello. Should there be another television channel, or should there not? On tonight's programme the Minister for Broadcasting, The Right Honourable Mr Ian Throat MP.
Throat: Good evening.
Kennedy: The Chairman of the Amalgamated Money 'IV, Sir Abe Sappenheim.
Sappenheim: Good evening.
Kennedy: The Shadow Spokesman for Television, Lord Kinwoodie.
Kinwoodie: Hello.
Kennedy: And a television critic, Mr Patrick Loone.
Loone: Hello.
Kennedy: Gentlemen - should there be a fourth television channel or not? Ian?
Throat: Yes.
Kennedy: Francis.
Kinwoodie: No.
Kennedy: Sir Abe?
Sappenheim: Yes.
Kennedy: Patrick.
Loone: No.
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'YES 2 NO 2'
Kennedy: Well there you have it. Two say will, two say won't. We'll be back again next week, and next week's 'Great Debate' will be about Government Interference in Broadcasting and will be cancelled mysteriously.
(The lights fade down. Music.)
SUPERIMPOSED ROLLER CAPTION:
'THE GREAT DEBATE
INTRODUCED BY LUDOVIC LUDOVIC
WITH SIR ABE SAPPENHEIM
IAN THROAT MP
LORD KINWOODIE
MR PATRICK LOONE'
(Behind this the pond members are seen gesticulating strangely in silhouette. Fade out.)
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME