random thread
POSTED BY: Guywhowantsafireflyofhisown
UPDATED: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 04:33
VIEWED: 5693
PAGE 2 of 5
yeah, I think I saw them in the PAR-TAY thread's chocolate fountain
STUPEFY!!!
What do you make of the nylon dot cardigan and plastic mule rest?
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Thanks Guy! *runs..no staggers off to the PAR-TAY Thread to get his pants*
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WWJD: What Would Jayne Do?
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*Stunning spell hits Pain in the back mid-stagger*
What do you make of the nylon dot cardigan and plastic mule rest?
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ROFLMAO Penguin!
"Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle." http://whimsicalnbrainpan.blogspot.com/
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What do you make of the nylon dot cardigan and plastic mule rest?
(I'm actually asking this time)
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Don't know what to make of it.
"Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle." http://whimsicalnbrainpan.blogspot.com/
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(Cut to an upper-class drawing room. An elderly man lies dead on the floor. Enter Jasmina and John.)
Jasmina: Anyway, John, you can catch the 11.30 from Hornchurch and be in Basingstoke by one o'clock, oh, and there's a buffet car and... (sees corpse) oh! Daddy!
John: My hat! Sir Horace!
Jasmina: (not daring to look) Has he been...
John: Yes - after breakfast. But that doesn't matter now... he's dead.
Jasmina: Oh! Poor daddy...
John: Looks like I shan't be catching the 11.30 now.
Jasmina: Oh no, John, you mustn't miss your train.
John: How could I think of catching a train when I should be here helping you?
Jasmina: Oh, John, thank you... anyway you could always catch the 9.30 tomorrow - it goes via Caterham and Chipstead.
John: Or the 9.45's even better.
Jasmina: Oh, but you'd have to change at Lambs Green.
John: Yes, but there's only a seven-minute wait now.
Jasmina: Oh, yes, of course, I'd forgotten it was Friday. Oh, who could have done this.
(Enter Lady Partridge.)
Lady Partridge: Oh, do hurry Sir Horace, your train leaves in twenty-eight minutes, and if you miss the 10.15 you won't catch the 3.45 which means ... oh!
John: I'm afraid Sir Horace won't be catching the 10.15, Lady Partridge.
Lady Partridge: Has he been... ?
Jasmina: Yes - after breakfast.
John: Lady Partridge, I'm afraid you can cancel his seat reservation.
Lady Partridge: Oh, and it was back to the engine - fourth coach along so that he could see the gradient signs outside Swanborough.
John: Not any more Lady Partridge... the line's been closed.
Lady Partridge: Closed! Not Swanborough!
John: I'm afraid so.
(Enter Inspector Davis.)
Inspector: All right, nobody move. I'm Inspector Davis of Scotland Yard.
John: My word, you were here quickly, inspector.
Inspector: Yeah, I got the 8.55 Pullman Express from King's Cross and missed that bit around Hornchurch.
Lady Partridge: It's a very good train.
All: Excellent, very good, delightful.
(Tony runs in through the french windows. He wears white flannels and boater and is jolly upper-class.)
Tony: Hello everyone.
All: Tony!
Tony: Where's daddy? (seeing him) Oh golly! Has he been... ?
John and Jasmina: Yes, after breakfast.
Tony: Then ... he won't be needing his reservation on the 10.15.
John: Exactly.
Tony: And I suppose as his eldest son it must go to me.
Inspector: Just a minute, Tony There's a small matter of... murder.
Tony: Oh, but surely he simply shot himself and then hid the gun.
Lady Partridge: How could anyone shoot himself and then hide the gun without first canceling his reservation.
Tony: Ha, ha! Well, I must dash or I'll be late for the 10.15.
Inspector: I suggest yOu murdered your father for his seat reservation.
Tony: I may have had the motive, inspector, but I could not have done it, for I have only just arrived from Gillingham on the 8.13 and here's my restaurant car ticket to prove it.
Jasmina: The 8. 13 from Gillingham doesn't have a restaurant car.
John: It's a standing buffet only.
Tony: Oh, er... did I say the 8.13, I meant the 7.58 stopping train.
Lady Partridge: But the 7.58 stopping train arrived at Swindon at 8.19 owing to annual point maintenance at Wisborough Junction.
John: So how did you make the connection with the 8.I3 which left six minutes earlier?
Tony: Oh, er, simple! I caught the 7.16 Football Special arriving at Swindon at 8.09.
Jasmina: But the 7.16 Football Special only stops at Swindon on alternate Saturdays.
Lady Partridge: Yes, surely you mean the Holidaymaker Special.
Tony: Oh, yes! How daft of me. Of course I came on the Holidaymaker Spedal calling at Bedford, Colmworth, Fen Dinon, Sutton, Wallington and Gillingham.
Inspector:' That's Sundays only!
Tony: Damn. All fight, I confess I did it. I killed him for his reservation, but you won't take me alive! I'm going to throw myself under the 10.12 from Reading.
John: Don't be a fool, Tony, don't do it, th
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Voice Over: That was an excerpt from the latest West End hit 'It all happened on the 11.20 from Hainault to Redhill via Horsham and Reigate, calling at Carshalton Beeches, Malmesbury, Tooting Bec, and Croydon West'. The author is Mr Neville Shunt.
(Shunt sitting among mass of railway junk, at typewriter, typing away madly.)
Shunt: (typing) Chuff, chuff, chuffwoooooch, woooooch! Sssssssss, sssssssss! Diddledum, diddledum, diddlealum. Toot, toot. The train now standing at platform eight, tch, tch, tch, diddledum, diddledum. Chuffff chuffffiTff eeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaa Vooooommmmm.
(Cut to an critic. Superimposed caption: 'GAVIN MILLARRRRRRRRRR')
Art Critic: Some people have made the mistake of seeing Shunt's work as a load of rubbish about railway timetables, but clever people like me, who talk loudly in restaurants, see this as a deliberate ambiguity, a plea for understanding in a mechanized world. The points are frozen, the beast is dead. What is the difference? What indeed is the point? The point is frozen, the beast is late out of Paddington. The point is taken. If La Fontaine's elk would spurn Tom Jones the engine must be our head, the dining car our oesophagus, the guard's van our left lung, the cattle truck our shins, the first-class compartment the piece of skin at the nape of the neck and the level crossing an electric elk called Simon. The clarity is devastating. But where is the ambiguity? It's over there in a box. Shunt is saying the 8.15 from Gillingham when in reality he means the 8.13 from Gillingham. The train is the same only the time is altered. Ecce homo, ergo elk. La Fontaine knew his sister and knew her bloody well. The point is taken, the beast is moulting, the fluff gets up your nose. The illusion is complete; it is reality, the reality is illusion and the ambiguity is the only truth. But is the truth, as Hitchcock observes, in the box? No there isn't room, the ambiguity has put on weight. The point is taken, the elk is dead, the beast stops at Swindon, Chabrol stops at nothing, I'm having treatment and La Fontaine can get knotted.
( Cut to man at desk.)
Man: Gavin Millar...
(Cut to another man.)
Another Man: ... rrrrrrr...
(Cut to first man.)
Man: ... was not talking to Neville Shunt. From the world of the theatre we turn to the world of dental hygiene. No, no, no, no. From the world of the theatre we mru to the silver screen. We honour one of the silver screen's outstanding writer-dentists... writer-directors, Martin Curry who is visiting London to have a tooth out, for the pre-molar, er... premiere of his filling, film next Toothday... Tuesday, at the Dental Theatre... Film Theatre. Martin Curry talking to Matthew Palate... Padget.
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(Cut to late-night line-up setting. Interviewer and interviewee.)
Padget: Martin Curry, welcome. One of the big teeth... big points that the American critics made about your latest film, 'The Twelve Caesars', was that it was on so all-embracing a topic. What made you undertake so enormous a tusk... task?
(We now see that his interviewee has two enormous front teeth.)
Curry: Well I've always been interested in Imperial Rome from Julius Caesar right through to Vethpathian.
Padget: Who?
Curry: Vethpathian.
Padget: Ah! Vespasian.
Curry: Yes.
Padget: When I saw your film it did seem to me that you had taken a rather, urn, subjective approach to it.
Curry: I'm sorry?
Padget: Well, I mean all your main characters had these enormous ... well not enormous, these very big ... well let's have a look at a clip in which Julius Incisor .... Caesar talks to his generals during the baffle against Caractacus.
Curry: I don't see that at all.
(Film: interior of a tent; generals around a table.)
Labienus: (with relatively enormous front teeth) Shall I order the cavalry that they may hide themselves in the wood, O Caesar?
All: (with very large front teeth) Thus O Caesar.
Julius: (with amazingly large front teeth) Today is about to be a triumph for our native country.
(Back to interview set.)
Padget: Martin Curry, why do all your characters have these very big er ... very big um ... teeth?
Curry: What do you mean?
Padget: Well, I mean, er... and even in your biblical epic, 'The Son of Man', John the Baptist had the most enormous ... dental appendages ... and of course ... himself had the most monumental ivories.
Curry: No, I'm afraid I don't see that at all. (picks up glass of water but can't get it to his mouth) Could I have a straw?
Padget: Oh, a straw, yes, yes. Well while we're doing that perhaps we could take another look at an earlier film, 'Trafalgar'.
(Between decks. Nelson lying among others. They all have enormous teeth.)
Nelson: Cover my coat, Mr Bush, the men must not know of this till victory is ours.
Toad: The surgeon's coming, sir.
Nelson: No, tell the surgeon to attend the men that can be saved. He can do little for me, I fear.
Toad: Aye, aye, sir.
Nelson: Hardy! Hardy!
Hardy: Sir?
Nelson: Put your hand on my thigh.
(Back to interview set. Curry is sitting practically upside down, trying to drink water with much difficulty)
Padget: Martin Curry, thank you. Well. We asked the first-night audience what they thought of that film.
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Man With Enormous Ears: It wasn't true to life.
Man With Enormous Teeth: Yes it was.
Man With Enormous Nose: No it wasn't.
Madly Dressed Man: I thought it was totally bizarre.
First City Gent: Well I've been in the city for over forty years and I think the importance of looking after poor people cannot be understressed.
Second City Gent: Well I've been in the city for twenty years and I must admit - I'm lost.
An Old Gramophone: Well, I've been in the city all my life and I'm as alert and active as I've ever been.
Third City Gent: Well I've been in the city since I was two and I certainly' wouldn't say that I was stuck in a rut... stuck in a rut ... stuck in a rut... stuck in a rut...
Woman: Oh dear, Mr Bulstrode's stuck again.
(She runs over and gives him a shove.)
Third City Gent: I certainly wouldn't say that I was stuck in a rut.
Fourth City Gent: Well l've been in the city for thirty years and I've never once regretted being a nasty, greedy, cold hearted, avaricious, money-grubber ... Conservative.
Fifth City Gent: Well I've been in the city for twenty-seven years and I would like to see the reintroduction of flogging. Every Thursday, round at my place.
Man: (whose head only is visible above the level of the sea) Well I've been in the sea for thirty-three years and I've never regretted it.
(Camera pulls back to reveal other city gents also with only heads and bowlers visible who say 'quite agree'. Camera pulls back further to reveal an elderly couple sitting in deckchairs.)
Man: I think it must be a naturalist outing.
Woman: I think it must be one of them crackpot religions.
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