Favourite Jokes
POSTED BY: PonyXpressInc
UPDATED: Monday, July 24, 2006 20:31
VIEWED: 6768
PAGE 2 of 3
*snorts with laughter so violently that juice erupts from her nose...*
I have to remember that one.
P
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Tony Blair is on an official visit to a hospital in Edinburgh, Scotland. The schedule takes him through a ward containing patients who seem to be suffering no apparent illness or injury. He decides to greet one of the patients, who says:-
A fair fer ye honest sonsie face
Great cheiftan 'o the puddin' race
Aboon them all ye take your place
Painch, tripe or thairm
A wheel a wordy on ye grace
As lang's me arm
Unable to make any sense of this he just smiles, shakes the patient's hand and moves on to another, who says:-
Some hae meat and cannae eat
And some nae meat that want it
But we hae meat
And we can eat
And say the Lord be thank it
Again puzzled by the strange prose, he again smiles, shakes the patient's hand and moves on to another:-
Wee sleek it ye timourous beastie
Oh what a panic's in thy breastie
Nae need to start away sae hasty
Wi' bickering brattle
Now completely stumped, Tony turns to a doctor and asks "is this some sort of psychiatric ward?"
"Nae" replies the doctor, "it's the Serious Burns Unit!"
NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
This is a good one:
Cannibal's and all:
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The
cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a
trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten
pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to
gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits
up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain,
so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king
explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be
easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst
out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one
replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with
pineapples."
-----------------------------
"Remember, always be yourself. Unless you suck."-Joss Whedon
Ralph Wiggum(after walking into the 'Adults Only' section): Everybody's hugging!
NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Quote:
Originally posted by SimonWho:
My favourite joke of the moment:
Two men walk into a bar. The first man orders a scotch and soda. The second man remembers something he'd forgotten, and it doubles him over with pain. He falls to the floor shaking and then through the floor and into the Earth. He looks back up at the first man, but he doesn't call out to him.
They're not that close.
That is from Angel. I cannot remember which episode. Something in season 5, though. Wes said it when he was talking to Illyria.
My lame contribution:
Three men are standing on a cliff with a wizard. The wizard tells them to jump off the cliff, call out a word and they will turn into that thing. The first man jumps and yells "Eagle!" and he flies away. The second man jumps and yells "Shark!" and swims away. The third man runs to the edge of the cliff, trips and cries out "Aw crap!".
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
That killed me... on the floor and expiring... can't breath... laughing too much.
Ok... ok, breathing back to normal but you've just reminded me of another joke as told by Billy Connely....
~~~~~~
The Queen was visiting a military hospital one day. She was being conducted around the wards by a Sergant Major of the old school, very upright, the man barked rather than talked.
They came to a ward with just three soldiers in their pyjamas, in their beds.
She comes to the first one who is lying on his frount groaning pitiably.
"And what is wrong with this brave soldier?" She asks the Sergent Major.
"Hemmeroids your Majesty, Hemmeraoids a disgusting complaint."
"Oh my!" says the Queen, "How awful. What treatment is he given?"
"Wire brush and detoll(anti spetic fluid in case any americans read this and don't have it, it smells horrible and stings)your Majesty, wire brush and dettol night and morning."
"Good gracious," says the Queen, "The poor man's arse must be on fire." She bends down to the poor soldier and asks, "What do you wish for my brave lad?"
He replies, "To get rid of this disgusting complaint and to do my duty serving Queen and country." He salutes as best he can.
"What a fine example to us all." says the Queen. She takes a medal out of her handbag and pins it to the back of the mans pyjamas as she can't reach the frount.
The move onto the next bed where a man is lying on his back with a cage over him keeping the sheets and blankets off his frount. He is wimpering quietly and looks round worried as he hears the sound of footsteps.
"And what is wrong with this brave soldier?" She asks the Sergent Major.
"Venereal Disease your Majesty, Venereal Disease a disgusting complaint. Self Inflicted injury."
"Oh dear," says the Queen, "Yes I think I saw a programme about that on BBC2, very unpleasant. What treatment is he given?"
"Wire brush and dettol your Majesty, wire brush and dettol night and morning."
The Queen goes a bit pale. "Do you mean you scrub..." She jestures to the soldiers nether regions.
"Yes your Majesty."
"Good Lord, the poor mans willie must be in taters." The Queen looks down at the soldier with compassion "What do you wish for my brave lad?"
He replies, "To get rid of this disgusting complaint and to do my duty serving Queen and country." He salutes.
"What a fine example to us all." says the Queen. She takes a medal out of her handbag and pins it to the frount of the mans pyjamas.
Finally they reach the last bed. The soldier in this one doesn't look really ill, he's sitting up in bed watching proceedings with great interest.
"And what is wrong with this brave soldier?" The Queen asks hesitantly, because all in all she thinks she would rather not know.
"Laryngitus your Majesty."
The Queen breaths a sigh of releif and smiles kindly at the soldier.
"That is awful, I've had that myself." She turns back to the Sergant Major, "And what treatment are you giving him?"
"Wire brush and dettol your Majesty, wire brush and dettol night and morning."
"For Gods sake man! You mean you scrub his throat with...?" Splutters the Queen, the Sergant Major nods. The Queen forces herself under control again and turns to the Soldier with a smile.
"What do you wish for my brave lad?"
The soldier considers this for a moment...
In a hoarse and ragged voice he replies...
"To get the wire brush and dettol before those dirty b*st*rds."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Wow, all the jokes here are fun!
My favorite's pretty short.
Why don't cannibals like to eat clowns?
Wait for it.....
They taste funny.
*RMMC ducks and runs*
******
RMMC
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Q. What's the difference between an oral thermometer, and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste.
NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
A man goes into a bar and asks the barmaid for a double entendre. So she gives him one.
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
A man and his wife are talking. The man asks if the wife has ever been unfaithful. "Yes, three times" she says. Upset, the man asks her to explain. "Well, remember when we wanted to buy our house, but didn't have enough money for a down payment? I had sex with the banker and he gave us the mortgage". The husband tells her that is was ok then, as she did it in order for them to have a place to live. He asks about the second time. "Well, remember when you had to have a life saving operation and we didn't have the money for it? I had sex with the surgeon so that he would do the surgury for free." This was also fine with the husband, as she did it to save his life. But what about the third time? "Well" says the wife, "remember when you wanted to join the country club and that committee of ten guys had to approve you?......."
I picks them up, I drops them off.
NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Hi CRUITHNE3753
Ewwwwww! Snigger....
P
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME