Male and Female Imponderables Part Deux
POSTED BY: Tristan
UPDATED: Monday, May 15, 2006 20:33
VIEWED: 25808
PAGE 8 of 23
I've thought about it some more and the closest thing to my soul mate I've ever met would probably be my best friend. But we're kind of like a peanut butter and peanut butter sandwhich. Very much a like in many ways and different enough in others. Kind of like cruchy peanut butter and smooth peanut butter I guess. I don't think we could ever really be in a romantic relationship thou. Oh who am I kidding we're going to end up 60 years old married in our rocking chairs drinking beer out of mason jars and pointing and laughing at eachother.
Um on the issue of kissing. I love making out like a horny high school kid. But enjoy the build up to the first kiss the most. Kissing my back is a sure way to get me all sorts of crazy for you.
I've never gotten so much as a parking ticket but Significant Other still feels the need to act like I'll crash his car in 10 seconds whenever I drive it. I think that was most of what was discussed.
Oh and the feelings thing. I know men go into their cave when they're upset and it's not always my fault but I still think it is most of the time. (Yes Significant Other forced me to read Men are from Mars Women are from Venus)
Also I hate gossip! I hate when people say mean things about someone else to me! But every so often I relize that I do it too and that really bugs me.
An I carried such a torch
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Talk about bitterness. I didn't even get the "it's me, not you." speech, just divorce papers appearing at my Mom's house 3 days after I had come to visit for a few weeks. The divorce paperwork had to have been done before I left town and he didn't have the courage to even mention it me before I left. Found out later that he had been seeing someone for months and they married as soon as the divorce was final.
We still don't talk at all and he hasn't seen his daughter (his choice) in years and has really hurt my daughter.
I have no respect for what he did and looking back it's made me a bit committment phobic. It's a wonder I even trust men at all now.
One summer.
One mission
One army of Browncoats.
We aim to misbehave until from July 23 until September 30.
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Well, I suppose I have to step up and provide evidence that it's not just the guys who break hearts. I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago. Actually, our relationship addresses the soulmate question too - when I first met him, it was so easy to talk to him that I thought he was perfect for me. I wouldn't have used the word soulmate, but he did. I can't describe exactly how our relationship evolved from there, but it ended with me realizing that I didn't love him, didn't feel attracted to him, and hated myself for feeling that way. The moment I realized that I was sure about this, I had to tell him. (Even though it was a week before Valentine's Day, which made me feel even more like a schmuck.) But I wasn't sure for a long time, and for those weeks, he thought everything was ok between us. I did tell him in person, though, not e-mail. I hope I at least get points for that.
I'm not really trying to disprove the stereotype that women are more open with their feelings, but emotional maturity is much more complex than being based on gender. It's something we develop by having relationships and making mistakes.
Julia
One day.
One mission.
One legion of Browncoats.
On June 23rd, we aim to misbehave.
http://serenityjune23rd.com/
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Well at least you had the courage to actually tell him you were breaking up. The only boyfriend I ever had before Significant other never got any sort of hint. I just kind of up and moved a couple of hundred miles away.
An I carried such a torch
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It was terrifying, Copilot, let me tell you. I had to take an hour train ride to get to his place - talk about building the tension! And then he wasn't even home from work yet...!
But on the way back, I was so glad it was over. It really sucks being unhappy in a relationship and not knowing what to do about it.
Julia
One day.
One mission.
One legion of Browncoats.
On June 23rd, we aim to misbehave.
http://serenityjune23rd.com/
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Sounds terrifing! I'm so much of a wuss when it comes to making people angry with me.
An I carried such a torch
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To Pingjing:
When you said that after you broke up you were glad it was over, to me that shows you made the right decision (although you'd obviously thought about it for a while). There is no point in sticking with someone you don't love.
My first girlfriend told me that she didn't love me anymore and she was going back to her home town in Ireland. It broke my heart but I was glad she was honest about it. I didn't like it but there it was. If she'd just upped and gone I think it would have crushed and scarred me for ever.
Thankfully I eventually ended up with a girl I simply adore (all romantic, lovey-dovey cliches apply). We've talked about soulmates and the whole spiritual connection thing and think there is something to it but not at a one-to-one level. We believe there is more than one possibility and it just takes the right set of circumstances to bring you together. Even then when circumstances change it isn't neccessarily going to last forever.
I just hope that everyone gets to experience what they could call true love coz it is a wonderful feeling.
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Quote:
I do know men who are a)very in touch with their emotions, b)they are sensitive to the emotions of others and c)very open about expressing their feelings... Know what..those men are d)gay
(extra letters in bold added by me)
Not to disagree with your point at all, as I think your observation is a fair one, but to provide a counter example that may be of some interest/significance:
I'm a heterosexual male and I'm pretty sure I qualify for a) (though not in a hormonal female way), definitely qualify for b), but not at all c) and not at all d)(wanted to reiterate).
'Why is he bringin this up, other than to brag about how sensitive he is?' I hear you ask (And I do, because of my sensitive nature
). Well, not to disagree with Dayve, as I said before, but because I think there can be different things that can come into play to determine how one person's brain develops.I wouldn't say my 'genetic make up' is the governing factor in this case. For example I heard third hand about some study that suggests that babies who learn to talk later are more sensitive when they grow up. This isn't cause and effect but it does suggest something else at work. Which I suppose could be genetic after all... not in a X/Y chromosone way but a... highly evolved super-power way...
Hehe, nah, I wouldn't say that either. I think it's more nurture than nature in my case, was my original point Anyway, sorry to get all psychological, a bit of a divergence from the original gripe with menfolk - people and what make them tick is an interest of mine
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Lwaves, you're such a romantic! I'm glad you've found someone to love. Thanks, by the way, for saying that I made the right decision. I know that, of course, but it's nice to hear it from someone else. Quells the self-doubt I feel every once in awhile.
So, here's something I've been wondering for awhile, and it seems this is the place to ask it, since I remember reading quite a few posts on flirting. I'm hopeless in that category - no skill whatsoever. So it's hard for me to let a guy know I like him. Sometimes he knows, often he doesn't, and occasionally I get a creep who thinks being polite means being interested. So what I want to know is, how can you guys tell whether a girl likes you? Does it just take a hint of a smile, or do you wait for a more obvious sign?
Julia
One day.
One mission.
One legion of Browncoats.
On June 23rd, we aim to misbehave.
http://serenityjune23rd.com/
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Quote:
Originally posted by ncbrowncoat:
Talk about bitterness. I didn't even get the "it's me, not you." speech, just divorce papers appearing at my Mom's house 3 days after I had come to visit for a few weeks. The divorce paperwork had to have been done before I left town and he didn't have the courage to even mention it me before I left. Found out later that he had been seeing someone for months and they married as soon as the divorce was final.
We still don't talk at all and he hasn't seen his daughter (his choice) in years and has really hurt my daughter.
I have no respect for what he did and looking back it's made me a bit committment phobic. It's a wonder I even trust men at all now.
That is terrible. Terrible!
Well, there have been some very enlightening posts since I've been asleep. Yes, I acknowledge that men have a cave, etc and that there are genetic differences in how we develop/handle things, though there are exceptions to that rule. No, I don't think saying gay men are generally more in touch with their feelings is incorrect, but I don't think it's solely their genetics. Lemme 'splain: Nearly anyone who has to struggle with that kind of issue, with not being "normal" does a lot of self-exploration as a general rule. I have gone through this, so I'm not just blowing smoke here. So that exploring of emotion and what's going on and why can open up some avenues. This doesn't always hold true, but it does certainly seem to. So gay men are probably genetically disposed to being more emotional and "feminine" than the average man, but they also have been basically forced to get in touch with those emotions. I hope this makes sense to those who haven't gone through it.
So, where was I? Ah, yes, the cave. I understand there is a cave. I respected the cave. However when a man goes into his cave for two weeks and doesn't even quite come out of it to tel you he's dumping you, that's a little unreasonable to me.
I also understand that men don't want to feel "vulnerable" or whatever else, but what I don't understand is why. It's the trust thing. Trusting someone completely is one of the most beautiful things that can happen. Unless that trust is betrayed, then it sucks. But when there's trust on both sides, it doesn't tend to be betrayed, you see? It makes a relationship stronger. It is a good thing, IMO, and not something to be railed against and resisted.
And now I will give you my female perspective on the cave, so you can understand why it can be a strain on women. I'm not trying to tell you it's bad or wrong or anything, just give you my perspective on what drives me crazy about caves.
Okay, so here's the thing: when someone withdraws from me, and it's obvious they're withdrawing to work something out in their head, I start wondering what it is that's wrong. I worry about people I love, I want them to be okay. If something is wrong, I want to be able to help, or at least know that I'm not the cause of it. So, man goes into cave, I ask why he's there, he doesn't tell me, I wander away to brood. Yes, that is how it works. I brood, I wonder what could possibly be wrong, and since I have no solid information, my mind tends to fill in the blank with what? The worst case scenario. Don't make faces, that's just how it is. So my mind is swirling with this worst case scenario in it, and I'm even more worried than before, and he's still in his cave and still won't tell me what's wrong or talk to me at all, reinforcing the thoughts in my head that he is mad at me or I'm somehow the cause of his brooding, etc. This is not a good place to be.
So here's the kicker. Man finally comes out of cave, everything seems to be fine... I still never find out what it was he was thinking about so intently, or why it was I was being ignored. I still don't know if he was sitting in his cave thinking "Hmmm, should I really be with this woman?" So, I guess my point is; if I don't know what you're thinking and never find out, it worries me. So my friendly advice to any man in a relationship they want to
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