To be or Not to Be THAT is the Question...

POSTED BY: RiveR6213
UPDATED: Sunday, April 9, 2006 14:26
VIEWED: 29919
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RIVER6213

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 11:45 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
I don’t know what you mean by “journey”
"Life is a journey, not a destination."

After I was escorted to the hospital (wow, like a quarter century ago now), and kinda passed out from blood loss, the surgeons did their thing, and I don't remember dreaming- just nothing.
When I woke the next mourning, my first feeling was that I was pissed to still be around. Not that I tried to kill myself in the literal sense, but smashing a plate glass window with your fist and not even checking for a cut to the point of near-fatal blood leakage kinda spells out your state of mind, don't it?

...just tryin' to show ya you aren't alone in at least some of what you might be feeling...

Chrisisallshewrote, almost.

I I was asleep all day long! I must have been so tired. Anyway, I also was very angry when I woke up in that hospital.

And about my glorious attempt at self-termination. I totally botched my suicide as you all already know. After I wrote my final post here on Firefly.net, and 5 other forums, and felt that I was in the correct state of mind to go through with this act. I took some vicodin, and had my final drink. Without further thought I grabbed my new Jenny 9mm and put it to my head, and I pulled the trigger. As insane as this may sound… I shot myself in the shoulder. How does this happen? How do you go from your head to your shoulder? I still will never understand how that happened…not ever, but while I was lying on the floor, totally in pain, and shock. I thought about just how stupid I am and how desperate I have become. I laid there for around an hour or something like that I think.

It seems that the neighbors in the area heard the gunshot, and it didn’t take long for the police and god knows who else to show up. They banged on my door. I just listened; I couldn’t do anything else but listen, and then they found a way in. I couldn’t move from the floor and I was so cold. I guess I was losing a lot of blood or something. I was lying there trapped with my own thoughts, which weren’t very pleasant and then I don’t know what happened. I guess I passed out. Strange when I think about it in hindsight. I was every other emotion except afraid.

I woke up 2 days later in the hospital, with some law officer staring me in the face along with a doctor whose bedside manner was so very much annoying. They wanted to know if I was attempting suicide. I told them that it was an accident. No way was I going to tell them I was trying to off myself…they would never have let me leave that place and most likely, they would have shipped me off to some mental health facility for “observation” so I lied big time and told them that I had accidentally pulled the trigger on my gun while I was messing around with it. I stubbornly stuck to that story, but it was obvious to me that they didn’t buy it, but what could they do? Now they are making me talk with this “Mental Health Professional” who is asking more and more personal questions and it is irritating, but I asked for it with the stunt I pulled. These people aren’t stupid, and I don’t think I can fool them forever. They know what I was trying to do.

The fact that I went through with it shows me that #1 I’m more courageous than I ever thought. #2 I guess I do what I say I’m gonna do, and #3 I’m serious about this life thing. But this extreme pain, and the exit wound that I have in my wiped out shoulder carries with it, its own rough logic that makes me have to rethink what the hell am I’m doing with my life. Why do I have to go through such extremes to find a measure of peace. Why can’t I just be a nice person who enjoys life like everyone else?

I think I am forced against my own will, to consider the possibilities of shock-treatments or prayer because that’s my only option. I feel as though I’ve tried everything else. And yes, I know I was going on and on about Christians and how I hate them, but look what mess I j

LITTLEALBATROSS29

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 12:05 AM

River,
My heart just aches for your pain.I've had a few breakdowns myself & know from whence you speak.I wish there were something I could say to help, but the "you're not alone" crap never did it for me.Actually ,like you, I am alone .
Faith does the trick ,sometimes.Other times not so much.
If you ever want to talk, I'll be around(probably in some dark corner,where it's raining ).

Bryce
********************************************8

I swallowed a bug.

EMBERS

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 12:34 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

My finger hurts from all this typing, and I’m tired again. Poor, egocentric, dramatic, center-of-the-‘verse me.

River

I've been away a couple of months, so this is the first I've seen this thread...and I've read the whole thing from the beginning.

Fact is a lot of people are alive and get up everyday because suicide is hard. It is difficult to injure yourself (missing your head & hitting your shoulder isn't that surprising, something in us is hard-wired to preserve ourselves). Plus all those around you who will try to prevent someone bleeding to death if they can.

I hope you noticed that there are people here to cared... They didn't want anything from you. They are willing to accept you as you are, without looking to change you.

You came to this site because of Firefly/Serenity, I would think that something in those characters spoke to you. Mal himself is certainly someone who lost everthing he ever cared about, lost his faith in everything, but is satisfied to just keep flying.

While you're convolessing (I'm a terrible speller, sorry about that), take the time to rewatch Firefly and give yourself some space...

Good luck.

**********************************************
watch the R. Tam Session vids: http://www.hittarivertam.nu/
and buy the 'Serenity' comics published by Dark Horse
have you checked out this thread?:
http://www.fireflyfans.net/thread.asp?b=2&t=15816

and listen to 'I'm Going To See Serenity':
http://music.podshow.com/music/listeners/artistdetails.php?BandHash=a0
c814e1229742ce77ed4497cbf4631c

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 3:53 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by embers:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

My finger hurts from all this typing, and I’m tired again. Poor, egocentric, dramatic, center-of-the-‘verse me.

River

I've been away a couple of months, so this is the first I've seen this thread...and I've read the whole thing from the beginning.

Fact is a lot of people are alive and get up everyday because suicide is hard. It is difficult to injure yourself (missing your head & hitting your shoulder isn't that surprising, something in us is hard-wired to preserve ourselves). Plus all those around you who will try to prevent someone bleeding to death if they can.

I hope you noticed that there are people here to cared... They didn't want anything from you. They are willing to accept you as you are, without looking to change you.

You came to this site because of Firefly/Serenity, I would think that something in those characters spoke to you. Mal himself is certainly someone who lost everthing he ever cared about, lost his faith in everything, but is satisfied to just keep flying.

While you're convolessing (I'm a terrible speller, sorry about that), take the time to rewatch Firefly and give yourself some space...

Good luck.

**********************************************
watch the R. Tam Session vids: http://www.hittarivertam.nu/
and buy the 'Serenity' comics published by Dark Horse
have you checked out this thread?:
http://www.fireflyfans.net/thread.asp?b=2&t=15816

and listen to 'I'm Going To See Serenity':
http://music.podshow.com/music/listeners/artistdetails.php?BandHash=a0
c814e1229742ce77ed4497cbf4631c

Yes, this is true Embers,
I did and now know completely that a lot of people in this forum seemed to care a lot about what I had to say and what I did. At first I thought this sort of behavior was strange, but later on I began to regret a lot of the mean things that I had said to them months ago before I knew that they were people with big hearts. I do admit that I'm really sorry about that. I'm real quick to point the finger at people and accuse them of being evil or narrow-minded, and I do this a lot with everyone, which is why I won't be winning any Miss Congeniality contests anytime soon. I’m beginning to see that yes this planet has a lot of problems, and yes sometimes life can be a very cruel and indifferent place, but there are two kinds of people that inhabit this world. Those who do evil and are part of the problem, and those who do good, and are part of the solution. I thought I was one of the good people, but it turns out that people like me are part of the problem. I no longer want to be part of the problem.

Of course the characters in Firefly/Serenity spoke to me. From the very 1st time I saw Serenity and then the Firefly series, I felt a part of each character…even Jayne at some points. Malcolm Reynolds is my everlasting stubbornness. Zoë is the fighting heart of all warrior women. River is the brilliant, but wounded child with the wan smile and the crazy laugh. Kaylee is the heart of all we wish for humanity to be. Wash is the big, lovable, teddy bear we want to cling on too. Inara is the prefect balance of beauty, elegance, and intelligence that we all wish we had. Book has the patience, wisdom and clarity which might forever be out of our reach. Simon is that impossibly loyal brother we always wanted. Jayne is that hero that shows up and helps you out when the chips are down. I know these characters well. In a way, I knew these characters before I ever even heard of Serenity/Firefly. The characters all represent people I’ve always wanted to have in my life, and I see a lot of those characters represented in this forum in a lot of ways.

River

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 3:56 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by citizen:
Been lurking around this thread but I'm not really qualified to reply, so I'll just say...

Hi.

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity. But I know none, and therefore am no beast.

Hi back at you Citizen! Yes you are qualified to reply.

River

P.S. Why is all this typing so dark? The fonts I mean?

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 4:01 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Hixie129:
River

I could never be mad at you, I love you.

Thats such a nice thing to say.

River

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 4:03 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by otma:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Forgive me if I missed something in that very well thought out post, but do you suspect that I'm suffering from some form of depression? I don't feel depressed, but I also do not trust my own judgment at this point...I don't really know what I am, and what I'm suffering from. I do know now that suicide is totally out for me. I've down my bit in that direction and I've failed at it completely and brought a boatload of trouble down upon myself in the process. You posters are so nice and so full of info that I might use for myself later. You are all so giving, and here I lay...just taking like some kind of leech.

What is Wicca any way?

River

Wicca is essentially a modern re-creation/revival of pre-Christian European/Celtic paganism, sometimes with elements of other faiths and practices, such as Buddhism and Ceremonial Magic included in the mix. There are many different forms of Wicca, and not all pagan oriented faiths refer to themselves as Wiccan, although all Wiccans are pagan. Like any faith, Wicca does have its share of flakes, fundamentalists (who will insist their form of Wicca is the ONLY true one) and frauds, but stereotypes of all Wiccans being naive goth girls or crystal and rainbow new age dabblers are inaccurate. The roots of Wicca are ancient, but it is essentially a modern faith, although older branches are decades old by now. Some Wiccans are very formal and ritualistic, some are very eclectic and informal. Common elements of Wiccan faith include acceptance of both male (god) and female (goddess) divine images, observance of the cycles of nature (moon cycles, solstices and equinoxes), belief in karma and reincarnation, and belief in divine power being manifest in the natural world and its inhabitants, rather than standing apart from them. Wicca does not have Hell or judgement in the Christian sense, there is a concept of right and wrong, but not "sin", and it lacks the squeamish and punitive views of sexuality that seem common in some other faiths. The main "law" of Wicca, known as the Wiccan Rede, is "An' it harm none, do as you will." This is often seen by non-Wiccans, and even by some "party pagans" to mean total licentiousness, but it is actually a much more difficult rule to follow than it first appears, and is not far from the famous "Golden Rule." There is a lot more to the ritual and practice, especially within specific groups, but while noone would say I've given you a complete picture here, I don't think many would say I've given you any misleading or false information, except perhaps those who don't accept that Wicca is partially modern, and not a direct continuation of ancient practice.

I might look into that...it sounds interesting. Thanks for the information!

River

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 4:15 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by LittleAlbatross29:
River,
My heart just aches for your pain.I've had a few breakdowns myself & know from whence you speak.I wish there were something I could say to help, but the "you're not alone" crap never did it for me.Actually ,like you, I am alone .
Faith does the trick ,sometimes.Other times not so much.
If you ever want to talk, I'll be around(probably in some dark corner,where it's raining ).

Bryce
********************************************8

I swallowed a bug.

The fact that you even bothered to say something to me shows that you still have life within you. Life can be, and is a lonely place, so my heart, or what's left of it goes out to you completly.

Breakdowns are not fun, and telling people about them sometimes only makes it worse. I've vented more information about myself to you kind folks on this forum than I have ever let people in my personal life know. I guess its safer this way.

I guess the thread title is starting to make some sense. To be or Not to Be...I guess To Be means we are here to help each other. I have to think about this some more, but I think I'm on to something...

River

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 4:26 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by singate:
I'm just glad that you're a bad shot! Seriously though, I imagine you will be having an interesting couple of months. Between the trouble with your neighbors and I'm guessing some legal issues you look to be a busy girl. How fucked up is it that what you tried to do is considered a crime! I will also hazard a guess that this won't sit well at your company.

Well, chin up and all that, glad you are still with us. Even though it is difficult for you to type I hope you will check in with us regularly.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

You don't know the half of it! They removed every weapon from my home. They searched ALL my houses! They got rid of almost everything in my medicine cabinet, and I have to see these people who are going to "interview" me. I won't admit to the suicide attempt. I'm sure they also want to find out if I'm dangerous to other people, which I'm not, but you never know what these "professionals" will come up with to keep themselves on the gravy train, so I better be careful! I hope to god none of them are in this forum, or find out I post here then the jig will be up and they will lock me away and feed me green jello and force me to watch reruns of Gilligan's Island forever.

River

DINKY

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 4:36 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
No, but thanks for asking. I stole this SIG from some person on the BSG board...cool huh! In the gaming world, epecially in FPS I am known as ScandalQwK and play TFC, DOD, COD, Medal of Honor, and sometimes AVP2 whenever i get kinda edgy. And I'm a wingman for Arrow Squadron in Lock On! I've thought about joining the City of Heros, but I'm just into killing things...you know, fight or flight? That's my story. I'm sort of a one-of-a-kind kind of gal that doesnt seem like she fits anywhere. It's sort of sad and pathetic when you think about it, but thank god for the internet. My mission if any, is to be queen of the cyber skies.

Anyway, What makes you get up and fight life everyday? Why do you even bother? tell me, maybe I might learn something.

River

*Gasp* You're just like me!!

Hey you use TrackiR Pro??? http://www.naturalpoint.com/trackir <--- AWESOME

I used to play pretty much all those games.... Then they got old. I play COD2, Quake 4, Lock On... Uhh... Some other stuff. I'm a techy, I gotta have the new stuff. I'm the kind of person that will buy UT2007 even though I KNOW it will suck, I just know it will look really good.

And as for why I get up?? Goals (hobbies and such), Family and God. That may not seem like much, but I have a lot of Goals a lot of Family and a lot of Faith, so it's actually pretty even.

I wish I could think of more.

"Th3re !s n0 spo0Ne." -The Matricks

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