To be or Not to Be THAT is the Question...
POSTED BY: RiveR6213
UPDATED: Sunday, April 9, 2006 14:26
VIEWED: 29919
PAGE 12 of 17
It feels strange typing in here after all this time. It feels like months have pasted, but actually, it was only about a week. The mind is funny.
River
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I just came back to the board after being on the road for a while, and I read your thread from the beginning. I too am glad you're still amongst us.
I've come very close to suicide several times, even to the point of choking down pills once. (Vicodin by curious coincidence.) But I'm still around also.
There are a few things that keep me going. Music, and my faith in the Divine. (Since I know some people on the board think all Wiccans are flakes, I suppose I'll tweak them by mentioning that Wicca is my faith.)
But mostly what got me back from the edge was deciding that I would pretend to be okay. My motto was "Fake it 'til you make it." If I could pretend well enough to fool myself, it really would work.
I know depression well--I have wrestled with that old foe many times. It's like a voice in my head that tells me everything is hopeless, that I'm worthless, and there's no point to keeping on. And even though I knew, deep down somewhere, that the voice was lying, I often let it take hold of my mouth, like a lunatic with a loudspeaker, and I found that once I'd done that, it became stronger, and I transfered the need to fight it to other people. It was only when I denied my depression control of my voice, and instead forced myself to say good things about myself and the world, that things started to get better. Admittedly, it's very difficult for a cynic to use affirmations, but they really do work. And believe me, I've wrestled so much with depression that I don't waste my time with things that don't work.
Hang in there, River. Deep down inside, you are stronger than your past, stronger than your problems, stronger than everything.
Cedric
"Some things stay with you, 'til the day you die."
On the Drift: Music Inspired by Firefly and Serenity, now on sale at
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/bedlambards/from/celtic
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Quote:
Originally posted by Cedric:
I just came back to the board after being on the road for a while, and I read your thread from the beginning. I too am glad you're still amongst us.
I've come very close to suicide several times, even to the point of choking down pills once. (Vicodin by curious coincidence.) But I'm still around also.
There are a few things that keep me going. Music, and my faith in the Divine. (Since I know some people on the board think all Wiccans are flakes, I suppose I'll tweak them by mentioning that Wicca is my faith.)
But mostly what got me back from the edge was deciding that I would pretend to be okay. My motto was "Fake it 'til you make it." If I could pretend well enough to fool myself, it really would work.
I know depression well--I have wrestled with that old foe many times. It's like a voice in my head that tells me everything is hopeless, that I'm worthless, and there's no point to keeping on. And even though I knew, deep down somewhere, that the voice was lying, I often let it take hold of my mouth, like a lunatic with a loudspeaker, and I found that once I'd done that, it became stronger, and I transfered the need to fight it to other people. It was only when I denied my depression control of my voice, and instead forced myself to say good things about myself and the world, that things started to get better. Admittedly, it's very difficult for a cynic to use affirmations, but they really do work. And believe me, I've wrestled so much with depression that I don't waste my time with things that don't work.
Hang in there, River. Deep down inside, you are stronger than your past, stronger than your problems, stronger than everything.
Cedric
"Some things stay with you, 'til the day you die."
On the Drift: Music Inspired by Firefly and Serenity, now on sale at
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/bedlambards/from/celtic
Forgive me if I missed something in that very well thought out post, but do you suspect that I'm suffering from some form of depression? I don't feel depressed, but I also do not trust my own judgment at this point...I don't really know what I am, and what I'm suffering from. I do know now that suicide is totally out for me. I've down my bit in that direction and I've failed at it completely and brought a boatload of trouble down upon myself in the process. You posters are so nice and so full of info that I might use for myself later. You are all so giving, and here I lay...just taking like some kind of leech.
What is Wicca any way?
River
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I don't feel stronger...I'm just confused. Something is going on that is beyond my understanding. I should not be here, yet here I am. Either I've been born lucky, or my primary mission is to save a busload of brats who are going to drown or something, or perhaps god is having a little fun.
River
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I'm just glad that you're a bad shot! Seriously though, I imagine you will be having an interesting couple of months. Between the trouble with your neighbors and I'm guessing some legal issues you look to be a busy girl. How fucked up is it that what you tried to do is considered a crime! I will also hazard a guess that this won't sit well at your company.
Well, chin up and all that, glad you are still with us. Even though it is difficult for you to type I hope you will check in with us regularly.
_________________________________________________
We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
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Been lurking around this thread but I'm not really qualified to reply, so I'll just say...
Hi.
More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity. But I know none, and therefore am no beast.
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Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
It feels strange typing in here after all this time. It feels like months have pasted, but actually, it was only about a week. The mind is funny.
River
It feels like more time has passed for me as well. I kept checking here, to see if maybe you'd come back. I'm really glad that you did, and I'm glad we kept your thread alive, so you'd have something nice to come back to, something to show you we hadn't forgotten. I'd like to consider you a friend of mine. Whatever difficulties you have to face ahead, you don't have to face them alone.
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Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Forgive me if I missed something in that very well thought out post, but do you suspect that I'm suffering from some form of depression? I don't feel depressed, but I also do not trust my own judgment at this point...I don't really know what I am, and what I'm suffering from. I do know now that suicide is totally out for me. I've down my bit in that direction and I've failed at it completely and brought a boatload of trouble down upon myself in the process. You posters are so nice and so full of info that I might use for myself later. You are all so giving, and here I lay...just taking like some kind of leech.
What is Wicca any way?
River
Wicca is essentially a modern re-creation/revival of pre-Christian European/Celtic paganism, sometimes with elements of other faiths and practices, such as Buddhism and Ceremonial Magic included in the mix. There are many different forms of Wicca, and not all pagan oriented faiths refer to themselves as Wiccan, although all Wiccans are pagan. Like any faith, Wicca does have its share of flakes, fundamentalists (who will insist their form of Wicca is the ONLY true one) and frauds, but stereotypes of all Wiccans being naive goth girls or crystal and rainbow new age dabblers are inaccurate. The roots of Wicca are ancient, but it is essentially a modern faith, although older branches are decades old by now. Some Wiccans are very formal and ritualistic, some are very eclectic and informal. Common elements of Wiccan faith include acceptance of both male (god) and female (goddess) divine images, observance of the cycles of nature (moon cycles, solstices and equinoxes), belief in karma and reincarnation, and belief in divine power being manifest in the natural world and its inhabitants, rather than standing apart from them. Wicca does not have Hell or judgement in the Christian sense, there is a concept of right and wrong, but not "sin", and it lacks the squeamish and punitive views of sexuality that seem common in some other faiths. The main "law" of Wicca, known as the Wiccan Rede, is "An' it harm none, do as you will." This is often seen by non-Wiccans, and even by some "party pagans" to mean total licentiousness, but it is actually a much more difficult rule to follow than it first appears, and is not far from the famous "Golden Rule." There is a lot more to the ritual and practice, especially within specific groups, but while noone would say I've given you a complete picture here, I don't think many would say I've given you any misleading or false information, except perhaps those who don't accept that Wicca is partially modern, and not a direct continuation of ancient practice.
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A couple more things I forgot :
Wiccans are also often mistaken for Satanists, stemming from medieval and rennaissance persecution of pagan faiths by the Christian church. Wiccans do not accept the idea of Satan, which is a Christian belief. To be a Satanist, one must be a Christian, albeit a very bad one, since only within the framework of Christianity does Satan have any meaning. Secondly, Wicca is not an evangelical faith. Most Wiccans feel no need to prosyletize or convert, and do not condemn non-believers. They will typically only introduce their beliefs to those who ask.
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Quote:"Life is a journey, not a destination."
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
I don’t know what you mean by “journey”
After I was escorted to the hospital (wow, like a quarter century ago now), and kinda passed out from blood loss, the surgeons did their thing, and I don't remember dreaming- just nothing.
When I woke the next mourning, my first feeling was that I was pissed to still be around. Not that I tried to kill myself in the literal sense, but smashing a plate glass window with your fist and not even checking for a cut to the point of near-fatal blood leakage kinda spells out your state of mind, don't it?
...just tryin' to show ya you aren't alone in at least some of what you might be feeling...
Chrisisallshewrote, almost.
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