To be or Not to Be THAT is the Question...

POSTED BY: RiveR6213
UPDATED: Sunday, April 9, 2006 14:26
VIEWED: 29919
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HIXIE129

Friday, March 24, 2006 7:57 AM

The longer you stay away from work, the harder it will be to go back.. Start by going in for just a little while or go in very late or on the weekend,.. but go.

Age! for the last ten months I have been taking vicodin and perks like they are gum drops. I need two vicodin just to get into the shower. The pain is unbearable even with the drugs.. I type most of the time lying down. (That why it takes so long and I don't try to write alot) Believe me I have considered killing myself, but I keep resisting..

You will too..

RIVER6213

Friday, March 24, 2006 8:02 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by TheRealMe:
I'm sorry, River. I'd like to give you a hug right now. And what of this family that took you in? Are you still connected with them?

It's true that the protection mechanisms sometimes outlive their usefulness or get out of control. But they don't have to rule your life.

Am I still connected with them? No. I stopped seeing them in my mid 30s after the father of that family died. I didn't go to the funeral because by then I was already the female version of Darth Vader. I don't know why I stopped seeing them after that really, but I have accounts set up under another name for the remaining surviving family members, and all their expenses are paid for by me for the rest of their lives and they dont know where the money is coming from. They will never have to worry about financial problems ever again. This is the best I can do. I don't, I can't let them see what I have transformed into, but I want them taken care of. They helped a littel girl long ago. They gave her love, they gave her a world view, they gave their protection, and they gave here guidance. It's my responsibility to repay them for that.

As for my REAL family...they can all go fish up a tree. If you think that's heartless, well I really don't know what to say, but I will say this: I was under the control of my real family for 16 years, and in that time I was tortured, beatened, starved and told I was stupid and would never amount to anything; I wasnt going to make it in life. In less than 7 years I was under the control of strangers who loved me, took care of me and defended me....which family do you think I'm going to honor?

Life is such a tiring affair...it really is when you think about it. The human mind is such a sensitive thing. I'm so tired, I must sleep.

The River that Could

RIVER6213

Friday, March 24, 2006 8:06 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Hixie129:
The longer you stay away from work, the harder it will be to go back.. Start by going in for just a little while or go in very late or on the weekend,.. but go.

Age! for the last ten months I have been taking vicodin and perks like they are gum drops. I need two vicodin just to get into the shower. The pain is unbearable even with the drugs.. I type most of the time lying down. (That why it takes so long and I don't try to write alot) Believe me I have considered killing myself, but I keep resisting..

You will too..

Why do you need to take vicodin? Were you in an accident?

River

HIXIE129

Friday, March 24, 2006 8:12 AM

No accident, 3 discs in my lower spine are fucked, just plain wear and tear and Age.

RIVER6213

Friday, March 24, 2006 8:21 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Hixie129:
No accident, 3 discs in my lower spine are fucked, just plain wear and tear and Age.

You poor dear! I'm sorry, but sorry don't cut it. Be careful with that Vicodin, its addictive, but I guess you already know that part. The back and spine are such a poor design, and sooner or later, we will all experience that hell which you are currently going through. Hang in there if its possible. I'm sure you have people who love you.

Screaming River

HIXIE129

Friday, March 24, 2006 8:40 AM

The vicodin is really scary because I have been on it so long and I am worried. My sister lives close and I recently bought a condo for my mom, so she is close. I have been avoiding major back surgery, I have been trying every doctor who thinks they can help, but it really looks like I am out of options.

When you talked about the doctor (Shrink) that you went to, I really got a laugh.. My current doctor really wanted me to see one, because I have been in such pain for such a long time, and also I think because he is afraid that I am ready to cut his throat, my throat or someones throat. Any way I saw the shink today and guess what she prescribed more drugs.. I didn't get the prescriptions filled,, I figured I am taking enough drugs right now.

ROB150185

Friday, March 24, 2006 9:05 AM

As for my REAL family...they can all go fish up a tree. If you think that's heartless, well I really don't know what to say, but I will say this: I was under the control of my real family for 16 years, and in that time I was tortured, beatened, starved and told I was stupid and would never amount to anything; I wasnt going to make it in life. In less than 7 years I was under the control of strangers who loved me, took care of me and defended me....which family do you think I'm going to honor?

Damn River!

I thought that my upbringing was harsh.
I wasn't beaten, bruised or scarred, just abandoned.

You have my respect for hanging on so far, after all that.

(Fish up a tree - love that!)

I'll be in my bunk...

RIVER6213

Friday, March 24, 2006 9:10 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Hixie129:
The vicodin is really scary because I have been on it so long and I am worried. My sister lives close and I recently bought a condo for my mom, so she is close. I have been avoiding major back surgery, I have been trying every doctor who thinks they can help, but it really looks like I am out of options.

When you talked about the doctor (Shrink) that you went to, I really got a laugh.. My current doctor really wanted me to see one, because I have been in such pain for such a long time, and also I think because he is afraid that I am ready to cut his throat, my throat or someones throat. Any way I saw the shink today and guess what she prescribed more drugs.. I didn't get the prescriptions filled,, I figured I am taking enough drugs right now.

Good for you! The health care industry is out to make a profit. You go anywhere near them and you come out with a perscription of something you can't pronounce regardless if you need it or not.

You sound like a really nice person...wouldnt it be nice if we could transfer your pain to someone out there who was evil? Anyway. I've stopped playing with my new gun and I have to go to sleep. sleep is the only time I have a measure of peace. I really wish I could stop your pain or at least transfer it to myself.

I really hate who I am

River

HIXIE129

Friday, March 24, 2006 9:18 AM

Thank you River. And about transfering the pain,, I won't give it to you but if you can think of someone else. Its almost 4:30am I am finally sleepy.. Made it thru another night....

REAVERMAN

Friday, March 24, 2006 9:27 AM

River, I'm not going to tell you that I understand everything you have gone through, because, honestly, I don't. One thing I do understand very, very well is the desire to end my own life. The last few years have been rough. I lost faith in God, myself, and humanity in general. You are right. Life is tiring. To me, the world is a dark place, devoid of meaning. So, why haven't I ended it already? Why do I get up every day and go through the motions, pretending to lead a normal life? For a couple of reasons. (1)Sheer stubbornness. I turn all the anger and hate(for people, and especially God) inside me into a reserve of willpower that keeps me going. And (2)I dont know how, but I've come to thrive in the dark place where my mind resides. I get some perverse form of happiness from wallowing in the pointlessness of it all. I thoroughly enjoy dark/cynical stuff. The last thing is that, deep down, I really do have some hope that there might be somethin' better just around the corner. It might be a fool's hope, but it's there nonetheless. More than once, that has kept me from pulling the trigger. If you want to end it, that's your choice, but if you want to talk, I could do that. Who knows, maybe you can find something to live for. If not, well then, as I said before, it's your choice.

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