I Need the Ugly Truth-Please Help Me

POSTED BY: RiveR6213
UPDATED: Wednesday, March 15, 2006 01:03
VIEWED: 13129
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CARTOON

Wednesday, March 8, 2006 5:11 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Why is it that we can't see the value of those special people when they are alive? Why do we only see it after they are dead...what's that all about?????????

Because we take everyone and everything we have for granted until it's gone -- friends, health, possessions, abilities, time...

Nearly everyone who's lost someone they really cared about usually feels this way after that person is gone, and regrets they didn't treat them better, or spend more time with them, or let them know how special they were to us.

The thing is that we need to learn from it, and try to treat the people we care about NOW as if this were their last day on earth.

ZOID

Wednesday, March 8, 2006 5:48 PM

RiveR6213 replied, in part:

Quote:
...I've been abusing drink big time for the past 6 months... more than I have in the past and it isnt making things better...matter of fact, it makes things rather foggy, which means its another thing in my life that have to go...

Yeah, I kinda sensed that. 'Like knows like', as my dear, deeply damaged father used to say. Alcoholism runs in my family. My grandfather, whom I never knew as anything but the sweetest human being I'd ever met (up until meeting my wife), was reportedly "as mean as a snake" during his days under the thrall of drink. The episodes of my father's bouts with that demon still haunt my dreams. My brother, who is two years and two weeks younger than I, is still in bondage to the cycle of drunk/hung-over/drunk/hung-over that I was caught in for years; he never gets a chance to be truly sober, to truly know who he is (without alcohol), or to confront his shame for the things he does to himself and others when he is using. He tells me he drinks because he can't stand himself or the world when he is sober. That's the rationalization aspect of the cycle, and I can totally identify with him, because I went through the same thing.

Which brings us, obliquely enough to seem irrelevant, to the issue of adopting a child. Nurturing a child -- anyone's child -- is so great a thing that I'm at a loss for the appropriate words to describe it. But, you must stop drinking first.

I think you should see a therapist. I've said that before, and I stand by it. But, I think I'm safe to say that a therapist is going to tell you the same thing: First, you must stop your self-abuse with alcohol.

Whether it's a good thing or not, I'm 'self-healed'. I couldn't afford to seek professional help, on many levels (mostly to do with my job).

And so, back to the 'child' aspect of the conversation: Just after my youngest daughter's 2nd birthday, my wife, daughter and myself were sitting on the back patio around sunset, I starting on my first drink, since it was my day to be drunk (i.e., in the drunk/hungover cycle described above). My daughter had never paid me much attention for the first two years of her life, not surprising, since I was a very mean drunk. Not physically abusive, but so emotionally abusive that it might have been better had I just hit people.

Suddenly, and with no prompting from anyone, she climbed down off of her mother's lap, walked around the table and climbed into my lap. I was simultaneously stunned and struck in the heart with love and self-awareness. It was a defining moment in my life.

I had a choice to make. I could either be the drunken lump on the couch, screaming at people I loved, puking and crying for forgiveness as my father had been during my childhood, or I could love this child and care for her with all my faculties.

I gave up 'drinking as a way of life' in that very instant. I'm still an a$$hole -- just ask anybody -- but at least I'm not a drunken a$$hole. And personally, I prefer to think of myself as 'fiercely individualistic', rather than an a$$hole, but why quibble over terms, hmmm?

So:

1. Give up the drink
2. Get professional help. You're a lot more disconnected than I ever was. When my father died, even though he was the most torn up person I have ever known, I cried for days that he was gone, mostly because of all the things we never had the chance to be for one another.
3. Adopt a child. Always a good idea. But you must be at least marginally alright with yourself, first, lest you harm the child and perpetuate the disease.

That's as close to advice as you'll get from me. I'm not qualified to advise you or anyone else. I just tell my story, to the extent that it might parallel your own, and let you draw your own conclusions, make your own decisions.

That's my parenting style with my children, too. When it comes to development of their own character, I go light on directives, heavy on teaching and illumination through examples and poss

LUCIDZ

Wednesday, March 8, 2006 6:32 PM

"3. Adopt a child. Always a good idea. But you must be at least marginally alright with yourself, first, lest you harm the child and perpetuate the disease."

Holy CRAP!!!! Thats the worst advice I've ever seen! The LAST thing this person needs to do is have any living creature depend on them.

Kids are not tool of personal growth, they should be the product of a loving relationship. Not a way to fill a hole or have meaning.

Trust me if you don't already have meaning its going to completely filter down to their little minds. I swear to god baout 90% of the people having kids nowadays SHOULDn'T be.

I read this thread a few days ago but decided not to post because I don't have anything nice to say. So river, if you want honesty, the kind these other people aren't giving, I'll do it. I just didn't want one of my first posts to be hostile.

The offer is out there though.

AZTECHROME

Wednesday, March 8, 2006 10:09 PM

I agree with the above post.
To be direct, dealing with your own problems seriously is an everyday effort. Especially when they are in your head. Medication can help, but happiness is only made when you yourself decide that you are allowed to be happy. (Did that make sense)

In other words, once you've got yourself figured out, perhaps a child is a good idea. DON'T do anything to another life, until you're ready to be responsible for it.
I think River already said something like, "If i can't save myself, how can i take care of a child." I think that's the right idea. Just do them in order. Take care of yourself, and then consider the whole kid option.
River, you remind me very much of a college friend. Always good friends with guys, but never more. Whenever there is more, it gets confusing and things get ruined. So you avoid ruining things. Probably don't have many if any female friends. You're probably most comfortable either in a position of authority, or treated in casual environs as "just one of the guys".
Virtually all of my female friends are like that, and i respect the line in the sand. They're all crazy to a greater or lesser degree. And i'd be there in a second if they needed help.

Is there anyone near you that cares about you that you don't ever feel threatened by? (outside of family) Maybe, it's time you took a vacation and spent some time with that person.

Just more of my ramblings

"What is the difference between work and love... Show me..." (JLG) Passion

MINIME

Thursday, March 9, 2006 12:27 AM

I'm glad you're wanting to live... and, as previously mentioned, glad that you're looking for help with dealing.

I understand the idea of the ever-present option of not living... I really do. I'd love to see you with something more positive in place to help cope, is all. And also wanting you to know what some of the options might be for when things feel really really really crappy.

Including - posting here.

take care,
Minime

MINIME

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 2:42 AM

River?
River?

How you doing?

RIVER6213

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 8:32 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by minime:
River?
River?

How you doing?

I’m okay I think...I'm not really sure because my brains are scrambled. I went to see some gruff bespectacled Doctor who spoke at length about a great many things I could care less about, and then he gave our distraught heroine (me) a white piece of paper with a bunch of scribbling on it, which the people at the pharmacy somehow managed to decipher correctly, and gave our heroine a plastic tube full of thirty, round things which she's supposed to take 1 a day without the benefit of devil drink.

Now our heroine walks about like a zombie, or at least she feels like one. Thoughts are sluggish and hard to hold on too, and her emotions feel like they are a long way off somewhere, and our fair heroine thinks of herself in 3rd person format, which doesn’t seem like a good thing to think. Whatever that doctor gave me have pacified my state of mind. I feel like I’m viewing life from the bottom of a well.

I float about at my job taking care of one task after another. I’m neither happy, nor, sad, nor hateful, nor empty, nor up, or down; I don’t like or dislike anything. Every time something happens that I normally would get annoyed with, I can feel the chemicals in my body fire up for a brief second, and then it just fades away like a fart in a high wind, and I’m back to being a ghost again. I’m actually “nothing” right now. I’m a ghost haunting the dimension called my life. Also, I sleep like the dead and it’s hard to get up in the morning.

That 1st session with that doctor was almost like Interview with the Vampire. He makes me talk about all sorts of things, and then he asks me “How does that make you feel?” I just stared at him with unblinking eyes and an uneasy feeling that I was missing something important, but I really didn’t have much to say other than the mini-series I told him when I 1st came to see him. I pretty much laid my whole life story out for him when I 1st showed up. I told him everything in my best robotic fashion, and then he had the nerve to tell me to shut up after I was done, and then he talked for what seemed like two hours, and I had to sit there and listen. I do remember imagining myself cutting off his air supply, but he kept interrupting my homicidal thoughts by saying “pay attention.” The whole first session was 4 hours long. I can tell that he knows he’s going to get rich off of this client (me), and maybe write a book and get a movie deal off this successful, female terminator droid that walked into his office.

Now I have to float back to that doctor on Tuesday so he can talk to me some more, but here is the good news for all of you who dislike me with a passion. It’s difficult to concentrate, so I won’t be posting very much because I seem to drift off into my own thoughts when I write. My anger towards humanity has vanished and has been replaced with a dust cloud. All the energy I have now is reserved for going to work, and coming home and going to sleep.

River

...and the other members of the crew:

Lambert, Cain, Parker, Brett, Ash, and Captain Dallas are dead. Cargo and ship destroyed. I should reach the frontier in about six weeks and maybe with a little luck the network should pick me up. This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off.

Now I know what the word "Docile" really means.

SINGATE

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 8:40 AM

I tried to warn you about those guys. Get out while you still have the willpower to do so.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

ARCADIA

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 10:29 AM

You therapist put you on drugs after on session? Get out of that office and quit taking those pills. This guy is an unprofessional moran (in addition to being rude, which is an unexcusable quality for his profession).

I'm not again therapy. I've seen it do wonders for my dad. But my sister's had a much harder time with it. You're most likely not going to find a therapist who is right for you on the first try. It seems weird, but you need to shop around.

There is no way that any therapist could know you well enough to put you on drugs after one session. My sister was in therapy for almost two years before her counceler was certain that she had clinical depression and suggested medication. Even if you told him your life story, there is just no way anyone can figure a person out so quickly.

I hope things turn out all right for you. You seem to have a strong desire to change things in your life. I think in time you'll be okay.

edited to add:

I know dumb things that cheer you up may be for the weak, but I always find, as stupid as this might sound, that looking at pictures of cats always brightens my dat. What can I say? I am a cat person. So http://kittens.sytes.org/ cut pictures of kittens.

Which makes me think... do you have a pet? I kind of agree with what some other people were saying earlier about you not being in the right place in you life to adopt a child, no offense, but you might want to consider getting a cat or a dog or whatever animal you love best. I've had pets my whole life, especially cats, and I couldn't imagine life without them. My Misty has always been there for me when I was at my worst. I could talk to her when I couldn't take to anyone. She was always so tolerant of me, even when I was an annoying kid who picked her up weird ways and poked and prodded her in ways she didn't like (I was 8 when I got her, and my sister was 4, so she had to deal with really annoying kids). She's just... she just loves me, and its nice because it is a pure, simple love that humans can't quite give me, just because it gets so complicated, loving other people. My cat had been a great constant in my life, a great sourse of support. So, seriously, it is something to think about.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Objects in Space"
River: It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think...

CARTOON

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 4:57 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
but here is the good news for all of you who dislike me with a passion. It’s difficult to concentrate, so I won’t be posting very much because I seem to drift off into my own thoughts when I write.

Firstly, I don't think there's anyone here who dislikes you with a passion (or even without a passion).

Anyhow, I agree with the advice from those above that you probably should get off those drugs. I'm not a doctor or a psychiatrist (or even know how to spell psychiatrist -- if I got it right, it was an accident), but drugs don't solve our problems. They may help us forget them for a while, but if the source remains, the problem will persist.

I will continue to pray that things will improve for you. We all care about you and want nothing but the best for you.

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