I Need the Ugly Truth-Please Help Me

POSTED BY: RiveR6213
UPDATED: Wednesday, March 15, 2006 01:03
VIEWED: 13129
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RIVER6213

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 1:51 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by SameErtia:
Well, nobody NEEDS sex. It can just be an awful lot of fun sometimes.

It does help to have a professional to help work through issues and find resolution. Be sure to check references, and find someone who you feel supports you and who you can work with. The right therapist can save your life. The wrong one can ruin it.

From my opinion, it doesn't sound like you've gone crazy. It sounds like you're under alot of stress at work, and don't have any resources for venting that stress. It's manifesting itself in your mood swings and your sleepwalking.

If at all possible, take a few days off and treat yourself to something good- a day at the beach, check into the local Hilton for a mini-vacation, anything you can do to change scenery and get a break.

Sleepwalking is really scary! Since you sleep-walked as a child, you probably know the tricks already, but I'm gonna list 'em here just in case!

Before you go to bed, put a good thick rubber band on the doorknob running from the doorknob to the faceplate of the door, OR put a wooden block at the bottom of the door (providing it opens inwards) or put painters tape around the door to seal it- ANYTHING to baffle yourself if you try to get out. Sleepwalkers tend to do what-ever is normal for them, so just locking the door means your asleep mind will simply firgure out how to unlock it.

(I was once found wandering a block from home. Nice officer asked what I was doing outside barefoot and I told him I wanted some pie. Thank heavens my roommate was already looking for me!)

Do a series of yoga or light stretches before bed to relax the body and get your mind in sync. This will help relieve the stress that's causing the sleepwalking.

If you have stairs in your house, block the top of them before you go to bed. A child-gate, or big cardboard box (big enough you won't trip over it) will work very well. I've fallen downstairs in my sleep- kind of a rude awakening.

If you're a 'doer', put tape on the handles of the water faucets and the fridge door, etc.

Like I said, all stuff you probably know, but it's important to keep yourself safe!

Luckily for myself, I am a predictable sleep-walker. Last week I woke up in the bathtub 3 times! There was no water in it, but I'm always dressed. I guess I get up, dress, and then go sit in the bathtub...strange isnt it? I wonder what it means?

River

BOOMERANG

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 1:52 AM

sup main's

RIVER6213

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 4:04 AM

Life is a kill or be killed environment as you are all so aware of, or so it appears to me. I'm not too crazy about living, but I have made it a point to attack if I feel threatened even in the smallest way, and attack I have. But regardless if I'm successful, or fail, I always leave the table a little bit more empty.

Humans are a strange lot. You get the ones who say they are your friends, and then they screw you over. You get the ones who use you for their own twisted ends, and then they sacifice you. You get the ones who put on a happy face and say that "We are all in this together" and then they stab you in the back, and then you occasionally get the ones who are, and act like wingmen, who really do back you up....this is rare. All of my trusted "wingmen" are dead. I need new ones but I no longer have the ability to see them, or can identify them... all I see is more incoming. How do you spot those special people because I have lost the ability to be able to differentiate between friendlies and the enemy. what I mean by the enemy are people who want to hurt you in some way, or use you for their own ends.
Just a thought from the mind of one who is totally on the edge.

River

SAMEERTIA

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 4:32 AM

I have to wonder what it was in life that has given you this violent outlook. Someone must have hurt you terribly.

The best hope I can offer is to say that things can get better.
How do you find the right people? First, figure out what values you want in the people around you.
Make a list.
It might read something like
-honesty
-sense of humor
-doesn't mind if I borrow their coffeepot and don't return it for two weeks
etc.
Then, when you meet people, when you bring them into your life, through work, through boards like these, etc, guage them by that list. Think, hey, Ertia fits five out of the eight things on my list, but she hates jazz, so she's right out.

Sure, might miss out on some great friendships just because of a few things that in the end may not have mattered, but you will manage to surround yourself with like-minded people who you can build a foundation of trust with.

And please, don't belittle yourself just because you're having a rough time right now and seeking professional help. You don't feel well, you want to feel better, and a therapist is someone who you pay to help you feel better.

You are worth love, you are worth happiness. And don't let anybody tell you differently!

RIVER6213

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 8:52 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by SameErtia:
I have to wonder what it was in life that has given you this violent outlook. Someone must have hurt you terribly.

The best hope I can offer is to say that things can get better.
How do you find the right people? First, figure out what values you want in the people around you.
Make a list.
It might read something like
-honesty
-sense of humor
-doesn't mind if I borrow their coffeepot and don't return it for two weeks
etc.
Then, when you meet people, when you bring them into your life, through work, through boards like these, etc, guage them by that list. Think, hey, Ertia fits five out of the eight things on my list, but she hates jazz, so she's right out.

Sure, might miss out on some great friendships just because of a few things that in the end may not have mattered, but you will manage to surround yourself with like-minded people who you can build a foundation of trust with.

And please, don't belittle yourself just because you're having a rough time right now and seeking professional help. You don't feel well, you want to feel better, and a therapist is someone who you pay to help you feel better.

You are worth love, you are worth happiness. And don't let anybody tell you differently!

My so-called violent outlook is base on my experience. Like many other nice women, my story is about a nice girl, who like so many others, who was defiled in this so-called polite society, by well meaning idiots who passed themselves off as respectable people.

Like an idiot, i fell for it many times until one, dark, spring morning...I woke the frak up. I realized that life equaled loss, and that the only person that was capable of taking care of me was me.
I decided at that moment to create something in my head that would protect me. A machine that delt in pure logic and reason, and it would see me through .

I learned to fight. I learned to not need anyone. I learned on my own to need only me, but the drawback to all of that...was I needed to not need anyone for anything. I created the perfect machine in my head; a machine that would always protect me. In reflection, I think I made a mistake.

Now, in this day and time, I am a slave to the very machine that I created so long ago. 35 years have past, and I am playing out programs after programs. There is no "me" any longer...all there is, is the war against myself, and humainity....a war that must continue, which I now see must be stopped in order for me to live. In a nutshell. The thing I created in my head as a child to protect me is now killing me and my life, and it is out of control. This is what it looks like.

I hope this make sense to you because it really doesnt make sense to me and I am living this pathetic life.

River

ZOID

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 11:19 AM

RiveR6213:

I read the entire thread.

Your initial posts, which you indicated that you wrote while intoxicated, were barely intelligible. You also said you didn't even remember starting them the next day. Loss of memory due to drinking ('blacking out') is a bad thing, if you value your long-term capability to think.

Your subsequent posts -- presumably written while sober, or 'not as drunk' -- were much more readable. Saddening -- to see a fellow human being suffer the way you are -- but much more lucid and exhibiting high vocab and grammar skills.

You shun the notion of hugs or love, but you enjoy exchanging hatred with 'White Supremacists'.

I think you are correct to seek the help of a professional. I also think you are correct to shun the idea of a personal or physical relationship at this point. You already know you have issues that must be dealt with first. That's a good start; now use your strongest characteristic -- your sense of determination -- and follow through.

We love you. Accept that with as much enjoyment as you would the hatred you sometimes seek out. That's one wire you've got to get uncrossed in your head, as soon as possible.

Respectfully,

zoid
_________________________________________________

"'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all." -Alfred Lord Tennyson

RIVER6213

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 6:08 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by zoid:
RiveR6213:

I read the entire thread.

Your initial posts, which you indicated that you wrote while intoxicated, were barely intelligible. You also said you didn't even remember starting them the next day. Loss of memory due to drinking ('blacking out') is a bad thing, if you value your long-term capability to think.

Your subsequent posts -- presumably written while sober, or 'not as drunk' -- were much more readable. Saddening -- to see a fellow human being suffer the way you are -- but much more lucid and exhibiting high vocab and grammar skills.

You shun the notion of hugs or love, but you enjoy exchanging hatred with 'White Supremacists'.

I think you are correct to seek the help of a professional. I also think you are correct to shun the idea of a personal or physical relationship at this point. You already know you have issues that must be dealt with first. That's a good start; now use your strongest characteristic -- your sense of determination -- and follow through.

We love you. Accept that with as much enjoyment as you would the hatred you sometimes seek out. That's one wire you've got to get uncrossed in your head, as soon as possible.

Respectfully,

zoid
_________________________________________________

"'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all." -Alfred Lord Tennyson

Hate is a predictable emotion. When someone is behaving in a hateful manner towards me, it is easy to deal with...matter of fact I suddenly understand my place in the universe, I am empowered, and I attack or defend accordingly. Hate is so predictable and it is real. It is something that is SO completely understood by me. Hate is easy. Hate is what has kept me alive for so many years. Hate is the other “White Meat” Hate: It’s what’s for Dinner.

Love on the other hand is an unknown to me, but I do know one thing. Love frightens me. Love wipes out all my defenses in one shot. When someone says "I love you" to me, all I want to do is get away from them. All I want to do is run, and run fast. I need to get as far away from that person, or that community as possible. They are dangerous to me, they can hurt me, and they will if I hang around to see what happens next.

It’s been my experience that love has brought forth more pain and misery to my life than any other emotion, therefore, love is lacking…love does not work for me. Love is a trick, love is a cheat to get me to lower my defenses, so the enemy can attack, which they almost always do, and I have no defense for this…none at all, so I run.

People are experts when it comes to hurting each other. They say that Man’s not perfect, but I say man is perfect at one thing, and that’s making each other miserable. In this I say man is an expert, he is elite at this, which he has demonstrated throughout history time and time again without fail.

Anyway, I didn’t mean to rant like that. There was a point to be made in here somewhere, but I think I lost it.

River

MAL4PREZ

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 6:40 PM

Hey River -

As a similarly overly smart overly driven independent type woman, I'm telling you that a lot of what you say is familar.

There's no shame in going to a therapist. It can save your life, at least make it worth living.

Actually, when you think about it, anybody who's ANYBODY has a therapist. It's the thing to do. Especially for overachievers. It'll make you cooler. You can go to cocktail parties and share therapist stories, make friend in an instant. (I know it's hard to tell on the internet, so I should clarify - I'm only kidding about 25% and the rest is serious. Really!)

Go, make an appoinment. Now!

Lots of love (seriously!)
m4p

Ask Dr. Science ... he knows more than you do.
"I have a Master's degree ... in science!"

SINGATE

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 6:59 PM

Quote:

Hate is a predictable emotion. When someone is behaving in a hateful manner towards me, it is easy to deal with...matter of fact I suddenly understand my place in the universe, I am empowered, and I attack or defend accordingly. Hate is so predictable and it is real. It is something that is SO completely understood by me. Hate is easy. Hate is what has kept me alive for so many years. Hate is the other “White Meat” Hate: It’s what’s for Dinner.

Love on the other hand is an unknown to me, but I do know one thing. Love frightens me. Love wipes out all my defenses in one shot. When someone says "I love you" to me, all I want to do is get away from them. All I want to do is run, and run fast. I need to get as far away from that person, or that community as possible. They are dangerous to me, they can hurt me, and they will if I hang around to see what happens next.

It’s been my experience that love has brought forth more pain and misery to my life than any other emotion, therefore, love is lacking…love does not work for me. Love is a trick, love is a cheat to get me to lower my defenses, so the enemy can attack, which they almost always do, and I have no defense for this…none at all, so I run.

People are experts when it comes to hurting each other. They say that Man’s not perfect, but I say man is perfect at one thing, and that’s making each other miserable. In this I say man is an expert, he is elite at this, which he has demonstrated throughout history time and time again without fail.

Anyway, I didn’t mean to rant like that. There was a point to be made in here somewhere, but I think I lost it.

River

Now you're speaking my language. I am feel compelled to repeat myself: there is nothing wrong with you. The emotions you are feeling are completely natural. Based on the sum of your life experiences how else were you supposed to respond?

The only thing I would disagree with is the statement that you created a machine. This makes it seem like you introduced something artificial into yourself. There couldn't be anything further from the truth. What you have there has been there all along, you just were not paying any attention to it.

Save your money on therapy. The only thing those guys are good for is getting you hooked on so called mood elevators. Then again, you might find a shrink who will analyze you for thirty years and still not solve your "problem".

The best advice I can give is to quit fighting your nature. This is causing you a great deal of stress and is truly self-destructive. The thoughts you have are not hurting anyone, in fact they are probably a good way for you to relieve pressure.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

ZOID

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 10:25 PM

RiveR6213 wrote, variously:

Quote:
Hate is a predictable emotion...

Yes, hatred is always predictable. It stems from alienation, and its goal is to spread alienation to everyone it touches. Loneliness, paranoia and unhappiness are the only fruits it yields.

You seem to be unhappy -- or 'dissatisfied', if you'd prefer -- with the way your life is heading. The only way your life will change is if you make a conscious decision to take control of your life, and to change your way of thinking. What you're doing now -- clinging to hate and despair like a life raft -- is not working for you; time to do something radically different.

Love involves a lot more risk than hatred. That is also true. But no one ever became successful at anything without taking some risks. Therefore, since you are a successful business woman, I am certain you are familiar with -- and comfortable with -- taking risks that many people would blanch at.

You might say, 'But love is a different type of risk, one that does not yield to reasonable cost-benefit analysis'. (Not to put words in your mouth.) That's absolutely correct. Love is the biggest crap shoot there ever was, precisely because it's entirely to do with emotions, not logical analysis.

But, the same techniques you use to limit risks in business or any other aspect of your life, also apply to love. As in business, retain your own identity. Do not get swallowed and digested into a larger entity; give that same freedom to those who love you. Require it of them. Too many times, two individual people become 'a couple' and lose themselves in the process.

I truly loved Firefly -- in a strictly platonic way

-- mostly because of Wash and Zoe's marriage. They were intensely individualistic, in many ways opposite personalities. They both had to give up things that were important to them: Zoe, a child; Wash, being alone with Zoe, for example. But they did so, willingly, out of love for one another, a desire to make the partnership work. (Please note that it didn't mean they didn't still hotly debate these and other issues, all the time.)

That's why I loved their relationship. It's true-to-life. In a healthy relationship, partners don't walk around joined at the forehead; there is push-and-pull, give and take, and two distinct people with their own boundaries can be readily identified.

I must point out though: Romantic love is only one of the many forms of love. The love I feel for my wife is of a significantly different 'flavor' than the love than I feel for my children; than the love I feel for my brother, mother and father (may he rest in peace); and those are different than the love I feel for my fellow human beings. Can it be confusing? Yes. Could I get hurt? Yes.

Would I trade the loving experiences in my life -- even the ones that ended badly -- for all the gold in the world? Not a chance in hell. No other memory in my life is as precious to me as seeing my son and daughter borne into this world by the woman I love, the direct product of our love for one another.

And the bad experiences in my life -- even the horrific ones that no human being should ever have to experience -- have made me the person I am today. I am happy to be that person, and I would not trade places with anyone else, even though I carry painful and shameful memories of my own weakness and stupidity and self-importance, too.

My questions for you:
"What good is all your success if you can't enjoy it, if it makes you so unstable that you terrify yourself?"

"Why do you fear losing your identity and discernment if you allow love -- love of one person, or love of everything in the universe -- into your heart? Indeed, why do you fear anything at all?"

Fear says, "I'm different. People will notice that, and despise me. I'll hate them and distrust them for despising me." Hatred is a reaction to one's own fear, to one's own feelings of inadequacy. It says, "Other people are better than me. T

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