I Need the Ugly Truth-Please Help Me
POSTED BY: RiveR6213
UPDATED: Wednesday, March 15, 2006 01:03
VIEWED: 13129
PAGE 6 of 9
I don't have anything very profound to say, but I wanted to vote with the 'it's a good idea to talk to a therapist' people.
I'm glad that you're recognising the possibility of love (and presumably, other good things in life)... and not just seeing possibility, but saying that's something that you might want. Good for you.
I am concerned about you - we wouldn't be responding to your posts if we weren't... all I want to say is, if you are feeling self-destructive, you need to talk to someone. Straight away. As in, before you act. I don't know how things work in the US (are you living in the US? I shouldn't assume) - in Australia, anyway, there are 24-hour emergency numbers if you're feeling crappy and need to talk about stuff straight away. (I don't want to 'medical-ise' you or the stuff you're going through, but an emergency room is better than doing something you'll regret. Not pushing pills, or saying you're insane, just - stay safe. You gotta stay safe to get through it all.)
All the best. Never easy confronting your demons. But, you know, eventually worth it.
Feel free to ignore anything I've just said. Except this: hoping you'll find that person in yourself who can love.
Minime
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Quote:
Originally posted by citizen:
River:
Erm, hmm, not sure how too put it, got things to say, not many words too say them.
I see you doubting your humanity is that right? If so I wouldn't, you had some kind words for me in that post, and after, as you say, I made you cry, so that should say volumes for your true nature, nes pas?
If you're worried about things, if you're apprehensive about your life or whatever I'd suggest talking to someone. Often that's a therapist because we all like to hide things from those closest to us, but it needn't be. Anyone whom you can rant and rave at, if necessary, who will not hold that against you is fine. Doing it on line can help, but it's no substitute due to the impersonal nature of the web. Talking face to face with someone can be therapeutic, a great help. Not necessarily drugs or a life time of exposing your 'inner child', just griping about that twat that cut you up at the junction or whatever can help a lot.
More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
You should never give powers to a leader you like that you’d hate to have given to a leader you fear
Citizen,
yes, I doubt my humanity.
I suspect you got my number from day one so I won't even attempt to impress you with words of redemption....you know what I am, and that knowledge alone scares me. I'm going to get help, or at least try too, and if I am unsuccessful, you can read about the damage in the news...that’s where you all get YOUR surprise.
River
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Quote:
Originally posted by kpo:
Hey River,
I guess most people get there emotional stability from their families - it's an easy and natural way for human beings to live out their need to love and be loved.
It occured to me reading zoid's post, and then his little anonymous quote at the bottom; "You are sufficient for the world from the day you are born, and it for you." that some people through unfortunate circumstances are deprived of the kind of things (like family) that make life 'sufficient' for us. Most of us get our security from our family - a sense of identity and a guarantee of unconditional love when the rest of the world screws us over. It also teaches us to go out into the rest of the world and learn to love other people without fear.
I think that a lot of your problems stem from the absence of this in your childhood. I don't know what happened to you 6 years ago (and unfortunately yes, some people in this world can be really good at inflicting misery on others) but I think you are suffering now for not having the safety net of a loving family back then, to help you keep faith in love and humanity. Maybe i'm reading too much into things, i don't know.
Anyway, I think you need love and companionship in your life - as far as I'm aware we're all made for it, and women more than men.
From what you've described of your life this may not be easy - you probably have a reputation for being a bitch amongst the people at work whom you have most human interaction with, which will be akward to get over. Plus you have a self confessed lack of social skills (me too, btw) which will make acquiring friends difficult. Maybe you could do ok in the dating scene, but I dunno. You'd need to acquire a sex drive I think.
So, considering all this I came to one final idea about what you should do, and that is adopt a child. Do you like children? I worry for the child a little bit, but you say you're a 'nice' person so I don't see why there wouldn't be a mother in you. You might just find that the child would open up a part of you and make you feel (more?) complete. All children are selfish, which I know you hate, but you can be sure they're not wolves in sheep's clothing. And you could certainly give the little guy a good home.
What do you think? If you aren't sure you're ready for a child you could start with a dog or something. Do you like dogs? Everyone likes dogsI know it's a cliche; the cute little puppy dog melting the heart of the cold ice woman who doesn't know how to love, but I don't know, it could work.
I guess till now I have been a bit negative disagreeing with Zoid's optimistic quote and generally ruling you out of a lot of the warmth of human interaction that most of the rest of us enjoy. But I do think you have the potential for all that stuff - Your strong willed and smart and funny and I've enjoyed interacting with you on these message boards as have many others i believe.
So, down the road (unless Hollywood has lied to me), you could find that your relationship with the baby/pet has opened your heart up to other aspects of human love such as friendship and romance.
Anyway I better end here. I hope I've been of help, but I realise my advice is based quite a lot on assumptions about your life so it may be quite daft in which case laugh at it and disregard.
Either way good luck working your life out River
kpo
Strange that you mentioned that. I thought about adopting a little girl last year but I decided I was way too busy to deal with a child...perhaps I should reconsider my decision. It would be really good to give someone else a fair shot at life without all the abuse. If I had a child I would love her so much...maybe too much and she would reject me later on, but it would be nice to find out.
Life is so fragile when it gets down to it. The mind is also very fragile thing, and people don't seem to get this point, but I'm at a crossroads point, and if I can get through this, then perhaps I will have the energy to be able to give l
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Quote:
Originally posted by dc4bs:
Hi River6213,
To steal a few phrases from a great writer we all know cause he said it better in just a few words than I ever could no matter how many of my own words I might use.
I'm only gonna say this once.
You're on our crew.
Why are we still talkin' bout this?
------------------------------------------
dc4bs
If I were part of the crew in the series, Jayne himself would be watching his back. Whenever I walked into a room where Jayne sat, he would keep is hand on Vera at all times.
River
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Quote:
Originally posted by minime:
I don't have anything very profound to say, but I wanted to vote with the 'it's a good idea to talk to a therapist' people.
I'm glad that you're recognising the possibility of love (and presumably, other good things in life)... and not just seeing possibility, but saying that's something that you might want. Good for you.
I am concerned about you - we wouldn't be responding to your posts if we weren't... all I want to say is, if you are feeling self-destructive, you need to talk to someone. Straight away. As in, before you act. I don't know how things work in the US (are you living in the US? I shouldn't assume) - in Australia, anyway, there are 24-hour emergency numbers if you're feeling crappy and need to talk about stuff straight away. (I don't want to 'medical-ise' you or the stuff you're going through, but an emergency room is better than doing something you'll regret. Not pushing pills, or saying you're insane, just - stay safe. You gotta stay safe to get through it all.)
All the best. Never easy confronting your demons. But, you know, eventually worth it.
Feel free to ignore anything I've just said. Except this: hoping you'll find that person in yourself who can love.
Minime
I don't plan on killing myself today if thats what you mean. I always have a loaded weapon with me on my person, so the option of suicide is always within my reach if I so needed too, but I actually DO wish to live....I don't totally know why, but I do.
Face it people...earth is an evil place and there is no doubt about that, but I guess it must be a lifeform thing. I need to keep finding reason to be alive, and I'm good at that, so my next move is to seek out a therapist and talk my head off. maybe that might help and it might not, but I need to try something. I may whine, but I'm a whiner who tries things out.
River
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Quote:
Originally posted by SpacemanSpiff:
River6213,
You mention in your first post that you are good at science...are you a scientist? I am, an astronomer, and I know first hand that working in a laboratory or academic atmosphere is not the best place for human contact.
Regardless, I'm sorry you feel bad. I do think that talking to someone, anyone you can trust, is a good idea. Odd as it may seem, you can trust therapists, as they are paid to listen, and can't divulge anything you say to others. Also, people you will probably never meet (like us) work too...anonymity can be liberating.
Good luck. And remember that almost everyone here can probably relate to you in some way.
Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
You are correct, laboratories are in no way good for human contact. *grin*
River
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Quote:
I jettisoned all my friends long ago...I am alone and it’s my fault, but it was the only way...the only way too be safe so I thought, and now I am seeing the grim side to isolation.
Maybe you jettisoned your friends, but that doesn't mean they reciprocated. Your TRUE friends are always going to be there, for the bad times as well as the good. As long as you're alive and they're alive, you've still got time and a chance to reconnect to them.
I say this from experience. I've "checked out" before myself, mentally speaking, and distanced myself from friends and family. I seemed to go about my day-to-day existence, but inside, I didn't really feel like I was there, or that I belonged anywhere. I went far, FAAAAARRRR down into an ugly place, and that's where I needed to be at the time, I guess. It's a strange thing - when you're "losing your mind", people tend to think it means you don't realize what's going on around you or with you. That's not been my experience; for me, I was *acutely* aware that there was a problem, but unable to do anything about it. You (the general "you", not the specific you) WANT help, you WANT someone to notice or figure it out, but at the same time, you withdraw and hide it even deeper.
Oddly, what seemed to kick me in the head and start bringing me back out of my funk was the death of my best friend. He killed himself a week before our birthdays (they're 4 days apart, and we usually got together for a night on the town to celebrate). I'd been depressed for a while, and this one stupid action on his part both broke my heart and kicked me in the ass and got me thinking. He felt like he didn't make any difference in this world, but he did. Now, every day, and for the rest of my life, I don't have my best friend, and his mom doesn't have her son. People don't think they matter, but in truth, they're all that DOES matter. All the rest of it is just *stuff*.
Get better, River. Talk to someone. That's probably the best thing that shrinks are good for; they give you someone to just unload on, and they're paid to be non-judgmental about it, to listen, and to offer any help they can. They can be the best people to talk to, if only because the nature of the relationship is already spelled out: you pay them, they listen.
Keep us posted, and join us in the galley for some strawberries and brownies...
Mike
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Don't go there River. Sorry to be so abrupt, but im an anxiety case, as i mentioned at some point.
I worry myself sick. So, i work myself to death to avoid worrying myself sick. Does that sound at all familiar?
You're probably right in your need for assessment. You're intelligent, and i think you overthink in a very emotional way.
What happens to your emotions at work. Do you force them to disappear?
DON'T DOUBT YOUR ABILITY TO LOVE. (Whatever you gorram please). I sense from this thread that putting your own love out there, in risk, is something that is impossible for you, right now. Maybe a child isn't the right thing...
but i've found something amazing...
sometimes, if you're beyond saving, and you forget about yourself in love. Sometimes that other person can save you, or catalyze your redemption. It's true. It sounds cliche, but it's true.
I think you are so strong in so many areas, especially intelligence, that you are unfamiliar with having a hard time controlling yourself.
I'm sorry to write such a prolix return missive. I guess i know what it's like to have everything everyone tells you that you want, but not having peace of mind.
I don't think there's a quick answer, just work. Maybe a different kind than you are used to. peace.
"What is the difference between work and love? Show me...." (JLG) Passion[/u}
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Quote:
Originally posted by Kwicko:Quote:
I jettisoned all my friends long ago...I am alone and it’s my fault, but it was the only way...the only way too be safe so I thought, and now I am seeing the grim side to isolation.
Maybe you jettisoned your friends, but that doesn't mean they reciprocated. Your TRUE friends are always going to be there, for the bad times as well as the good. As long as you're alive and they're alive, you've still got time and a chance to reconnect to them.
I say this from experience. I've "checked out" before myself, mentally speaking, and distanced myself from friends and family. I seemed to go about my day-to-day existence, but inside, I didn't really feel like I was there, or that I belonged anywhere. I went far, FAAAAARRRR down into an ugly place, and that's where I needed to be at the time, I guess. It's a strange thing - when you're "losing your mind", people tend to think it means you don't realize what's going on around you or with you. That's not been my experience; for me, I was *acutely* aware that there was a problem, but unable to do anything about it. You (the general "you", not the specific you) WANT help, you WANT someone to notice or figure it out, but at the same time, you withdraw and hide it even deeper.
Oddly, what seemed to kick me in the head and start bringing me back out of my funk was the death of my best friend. He killed himself a week before our birthdays (they're 4 days apart, and we usually got together for a night on the town to celebrate). I'd been depressed for a while, and this one stupid action on his part both broke my heart and kicked me in the ass and got me thinking. He felt like he didn't make any difference in this world, but he did. Now, every day, and for the rest of my life, I don't have my best friend, and his mom doesn't have her son. People don't think they matter, but in truth, they're all that DOES matter. All the rest of it is just *stuff*.
Get better, River. Talk to someone. That's probably the best thing that shrinks are good for; they give you someone to just unload on, and they're paid to be non-judgmental about it, to listen, and to offer any help they can. They can be the best people to talk to, if only because the nature of the relationship is already spelled out: you pay them, they listen.
Keep us posted, and join us in the galley for some strawberries and brownies...
Mike
My father died in April of 2005, and I went to his funeral and could care less about him, or the whole affair. My Mother died during the pilot episode of the original BSG way back in 1979 and I was too busy watching it. After it was over, I went downstairs and found her dead...big deal, I called the ambulance and the cops and then went back to watching the interviews with Dirk Benedict in it I think.
**** This should tell you something ****
My best guy friend Bruce Died in October 16th of 2004. I went to his funeral, smiled with all the the other idiots that were there, and then went home not feeling anything.
Bruce was the only man I ever felt comfortable around. He was a strange guy. He was this Vietnam vet guy who walked about with a limp, with a warm disposition, and a forgiving manner. I'm not even sure where I met him, but i know I knew him for 20 years, and all he talked about was fishing. I hated fishing, but he would always force me to go with him. he was the only person that could ever do that by the way.
There we would sit in his fishing boat. in silence....complete silence with a picturious background of complete beauty around us...at like 4:00 in the morning, and it was like freezing! And of course at the time I would hate it all, but later on, I would calm down and actually start to enjoy myself. I always caught a fish, and he would always photograph the moment, with a grin on his face. He would always rub it in and say, "See Glenda, a little bit of patience and you'll always get what you want" I used to hate him for saying things like that. He used to always laugh when I fell in
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Well the only advice I can give is that if you think you are going crazy, you're not.
Crazy people don't think they're going crazy, they think they're getting more and more sane
"Shake your head boy, your eyes are stuck"
www.fireflyfans.net
http://www.browncoatsriseagain.com/
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