Daily Dose of Laughter

POSTED BY: Koffee
UPDATED: Sunday, July 20, 2003 23:30
VIEWED: 24004
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KOFFEE

Thursday, June 5, 2003 5:01 AM

Every one could use a good laugh now and then. On other boards from my past I have started a thread that is all for the jokes we recieve in emails and such. I thought I might do the same here. I want everyone to share their jokes, laugh, and walk away with a smile.

I'll start.....

Life Truths:

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars!

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first oldest profession.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it's here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

15. You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 to 15 years... Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

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“It's a real burn, being right so often.”

SUCCATASH

Thursday, June 5, 2003 5:19 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Koffee:
I want everyone to share their jokes, laugh, and walk away with a smile.

This isn't exactly an email joke I received but I couldn't resist sharing.

Here is some original Succatash stand up comedy! This is really my voice, Maniac can verify. I made this to prove that anything is funny if you add a laugh track.

http://www.strangefinger.com/succatash-standsup.mp3

MANIACNUMBERONE

Thursday, June 5, 2003 6:32 AM

I got a really nasty joke for ya. It's about poo, so don't read it if poo offends you. By the way, I apologize for this joke beforehand, I know it's bad, I just couldn't think of another one at the moment. I hope this doesn't completely ruin my reputation.

Select to view spoiler:

There's this guy who has lots of trouble taking a crap. (crude huh?) Whenever he tries, he pushes and pushes so hard that he hyperventilates until he passes out. His roommates tell him (jokingly) that one of these days he's going to crap his guts out.
Well, time goes by and the roommates decide to play a trick on him.
The next time he passes out from pushing too hard, they are prepared. They have gone out and shot a deer, and readied its guts for the joke... so when he is unconscious, they sneak into the bathroom and put the guts at his feet.
After a while many strange sounds emerge from the bathroom. (Exclamations and the like.) The poor fellow in the bathroom comes out all flushed, and says, "I can't believe it, you were right, I crapped my guts out. But with the help of the lord and a long stick I got 'em back in."

Oooooohhh. yup, I had the same reaction the first time I heard this one. You're sorry now, huh?

ARCHER

Thursday, June 5, 2003 6:43 AM

My days of not taking you seriously are coming to a middle.

There ain't nothin' I can't overcome or come to know. So lay your heavy load down on me, strip everything I have away. I am not your prisoner, I am not afraid.

KAYTHRYN

Thursday, June 5, 2003 7:06 AM

Thought it had a kind poetry to it.

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It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
Aristotle

NOOCYTE

Thursday, June 5, 2003 7:23 AM

Mid-to-high brow snicker alert:

Descartes walks into Burger King and orders a Whopper. The young person behind the counter asks if he would like fries with that. Descartes replies: "I think not."

And disappears.

Department of Redundancy Department

ARCHER

Thursday, June 5, 2003 8:23 AM

Heh.

Thank you, Alfred Freaking Bester.

Read the Psi-Corps trilogy?

There ain't nothin' I can't overcome or come to know. So lay your heavy load down on me, strip everything I have away. I am not your prisoner, I am not afraid.

MANIACNUMBERONE

Thursday, June 5, 2003 6:29 PM

I don't need to be taken seriously, I just need to be taken.

KOFFEE

Tuesday, June 10, 2003 7:41 AM

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass.

I thought the results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...

The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married him anyway.

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“It's a real burn, being right so often.”

KOFFEE

Wednesday, June 11, 2003 11:46 AM

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he/she finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

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“It's a real burn, being right so often.”

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