In the garden, and RAIN!!! (2)

POSTED BY: SIGNYM
UPDATED: Monday, September 7, 2026 11:50
VIEWED: 338648
PAGE 82 of 834

Off to my regular Thursday morning mah jong tomorrow.

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SIX: People sometimes want the dying process to be over, not from callousness but an overabundance of feeling.

It helps to dial down emotion, which can get in the way of clarity of purpose: to help the person be as comfortable as possible.

I wish there was someone there who could give a few days' example of practical caregiving: regular bathroom breaks (does she have a bedside commode? EXTREMELY HELPFUL) monitored fluid intake and hydration, regular meals, meds calibrated to the level of pain SHE is willing to tolerate. Companionship. Feeling helpless, uncertain, sad, angry, impatient, guilty, etc confuses people and can lead to avoidance and neglect.

Movantik Rx (opiates cause constipation by slowing the intestines, Movantik reverses that effect but only in the gut) senna (OTC), and docusate sodium (OTC) can be used instead. Bc if your g'ma is suffering from urine retention and UTI, chances are shes constipated as well.

I wish I could help. Between the two of us we could do a good job, I bet you'd be great.

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Pity would be no more,
If we did not MAKE someone poor - William Blake

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Quote:

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Originally posted by SIGNYM:
SIX: People sometimes want the dying process to be over, not from callousness but an overabundance of feeling.

It helps to dial down emotion, which can get in the way of clarity of purpose: to help the person be as comfortable as possible.

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I can't even tell you how many times I've heard talks of suicide in the last two weeks. My aunt is going to Minnesota, and my dad plans on going to Canada when their time comes. I said I'll just rent a boat, bring a bottle of Grey Goose and get my hands on some meth and see what all the fuss is about before putting on the cement shoes and taking one last dive.

I know they want her to be comfortable, but at this point I think there is a real desire to pill her up so much that they can do the Kevorkian job themselves legally through hospice. In fact, I'm starting to suspect that the hospice organization is incentivized by the Medicare to do that very thing themselves.

My aunt is super high strung and an emotional roller coaster on the good days. I'd say if any of her kids cares about grams as much as I do it's her. My dad doesn't, and he's not afraid of saying so. He "loves" her, but in the sense that I love my own mom... yanno... more out of obligation and nostalgia than anything else. My uncle has always been distant and lived his own life... kind of like me in a way, but with a wife and kids. He's the strong, silent type. Even back when the family did things together I'd only ever see them on Christmas. I don't even know his feelings towards grams since he's impossible to read. I think he'd make an excellent poker player.

My dad was the only one against the drugs at all. Once he caved yesterday, that was it. She's going to be chasing the dragon until her final breath now.

I love my aunt, but only in small doses. If anything, this has taught me that there's no way I could ever take her in my house. She's a LOUD person. One minute she's saying she's got this under control and she can do it, then she'll be waking me up at midnight to help her with grandma and she's stomping all around the house talking to herself saying "That's it! I can't take one more fucking night of this! Somebody else needs to take over! I'm done!" That was happening two nights ago and I finally said "I came here to help out. Not to listen to this bullshit. Shut up. Go upstairs and smoke some weed. Chill the fuck out. Grandma doesn't need to listen to this."


What we've got is a caring/patience imbalance. If my dad cared half as much as my aunt did, and my aunt had half of my dad's patience, I think things would be a lot different now.

And because I'm not her kid, I get no say in any of this and I just have to watch the train wreck of a process unfold.


The one good thing I can say has come out of all of this is that my Dad and Aunt are talking and cooperating. They haven't talked for at least 8 years now. My Aunt wanted to, but my Dad didn't. And my Dad told me the real reason he's spending as much time over there right now is for her instead of my Grandma. I don't know if they'll continue to talk at all after Grandma passes. I kind of doubt they will without any real reason to, but my Aunt said yesterday that she's grateful that they've been able to come together and whenever my old man passes away she will go to his funeral.

I've got an odd family... Well... Maybe not so odd. Who knows what other families deal with.

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I wish there was someone there who could give a few days' example of practical caregiving: regular bathroom breaks (does she have a bedside commode? EXTREMELY HELPFUL) monitored fluid intake and hydration, regular meals, meds calibrated to the level of pain SHE is willing to tolerate. Companionship. Feeling helpless, uncertain, sad, angry, impatient, guilty, etc confuses people and can lead to avoidance

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6IXSTRINGJACK

Friday, February 24, 2023 12:19 AM

Quote:

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Originally posted by SIGNYM:
That sounds like a good plan, SIX. I hope it works out for you. But yanno what they say-"Life is what happens to us as we make other plans".

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Heh. Yeah.

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You've been awesome. Sounds like you're bringing much- needed emotional stability to the scene. I'll bet you never thought anyone would say that to you?

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No... Never thought that would happen.

But yesterday morning my own patience with everything outside of Grams was worn too thin. It was time to go. We've all talked since and my aunt actually wants me to come back for the weekend. I told her I'll probably be over tomorrow afternoon, but I'm making myself scarce during the days and I'll need to be getting at least some sleep or else I'll be useless at helping my friend.

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BTW since she's not having any solid bowel movements you can probably decrease whatever she's getting for constipation, altho I don't know how much flexibility hospice is giving you in terms of her care. I would probably argue with the rest of the family (again) for cutting back on pain meds, but I'd only go at a rate of about 1/8 total dose every 5 days or so, since it's way too easy to cut back too much too fast and cause unnecessary pain, sleeplessness, and agitation.

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I'll tell you one thing... If it were MY mom and I was the one dealing with hospice, they wouldn't be dictating anything to me. Especially after all they've gotten wrong so far. Maybe she won't need the constipation stuff after the UTI issue is solved. My aunt says she's still a little hot, so hopefully the fever is gone by tonight.

I sure am going to try again with the pain meds, but I don't think I'm going to be able to change their minds. Even though I've been right about everything so far, my Aunt just believes whatever the nurse tells her over me still. My dad has resigned himself to just giving whatever hospice orders (he's always been a non-confrontational absolutist), and my Uncle just wants her drugged up to the max so she doesn't feel any pain.

I have to tread real carefully there because I imagine if I even bring it up again it's going to turn into an argument really fast.




Got my car cleared out and was able to find a good home for most of the stuff. But between this new stuff, the stuff I got from my friend's father-in-law's house and all the free after rebate stuff I've been accumulating I'm going to have to really sit down and have a gameplan for everything so I can start the re-org and begin some of these projects so I don't end up hoarding my house again. At least I had room for all of the new wood in my two wood staging areas without having any overflow, so that's a load off my mind.



Got some errands to run, then I've got to do laundry and clean up a bit while re-packing so I can get some sleep tonight and not have to worry about getting anything ready tomorrow before I head back out.


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Pity would be no more,
If we did not MAKE someone poor - William Blake

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Growing up in a Republic was nice... Shame we couldn't keep it.

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Nurse says she's coming every day now. She told my Aunt she probably has a week to live at this point.

I still think she could have lived a lot longer if they weren't doping her up so much and she with it enough to be able to eat. I guess today while she woke up enough to speak she's been asking why can't she go now and why God hasn't taken her yet.

:(

I'm going to take a nap and get back to packing and getting ready when I get up. I don't think I want to wait until tomorrow afternoon or evening to get over there just in case.

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Growing up in a Republic was nice... Shame we couldn't keep it.

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Wow, that's fast.

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Pity would be no more,
If we did not MAKE someone poor - William Blake

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Back from errands and mah jong. As good as I did yesterday, today was a total loss. I managed to go out once and that took me all morning. Never broke 1,000 points, so all I got was the booby prize for having the lowest score. Which means I got my $2 back.

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Quote:

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Originally posted by SIGNYM:
Wow, that's fast.

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It's the drugs. Nobody is ever going to convince me otherwise.

I also told my aunt not to pay the nurse any mind because she's been wrong about everything so far. It's nice to get the extra help though. I'll make sure I'm not around when she comes in.

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Growing up in a Republic was nice... Shame we couldn't keep it.

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Hey SIX, when MIL was in hospice they gave us a book "What to expect when someone is dying". I don't have it anymore but found this updated version online:

https://www.cancer.org/treatment/end-of-life-care/nearing-the-end-of-l
ife/death.html

One thing has stuck with me thru all the years and I apply it to every person or animal in question: Are they interested in eating and drinking? If yes, their body is still struggling to live.

If not, don't force food on them altho sips of water make patient more comfortable. Their body is shutting down. Digestion won't happen and food will literally spoil in their stomach.

Also, people and animals near death get drowsy, even without sedation or painkillers.

That being said, it's hard to tell the difference between sedation and dying. One thing you can do is go online and look up the normal dosage for whatever painkiller she's on. Take her weight into account, they often calculate a standard dosage for an average 150 lb person,altho they sometimes helpfully provide a mg per kg dosage as well. (Divide her estimated weight in pounds by 2.2 to get kg.)

That way you can compare her dosage to "normal" and see whether you have reason to think she's being overdosed or if this is just the way she is now.

-----------
Pity would be no more,
If we did not MAKE someone poor - William Blake

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