Rating: PG

Word Count: 411

Spoilers: Alludes to events in the BDM and post HoG.

The Same as Anyone –Inara’s Answer #3

By 2x2

What do I see when I close my eyes?

So, so many things…

I see the faces of absent friends, Wash and the Shepherd, and Nandi; often Nandi. She has so much to teach me still, and I like to think I’ve begun to learn, become a little more like her.

I miss her.

I wish… but that’s a different question.

Sometimes, rarely, I see the faces of my clients. I tend not to dwell on them. It isn’t wise to allow too much attachment in my business dealings. I’ve learned that lesson, if nothing else.

Which, I suppose, leads inevitably to what I see most often when I close my eyes. No, I’m not going to deny it, there really isn’t much point, is there? Yes, it’s Mal. It almost always is. I’ve given up trying to stop him, it never works anyway. I’ve just had to learn to accept it, that he will invade my thoughts at any moment, in any place; every moment and place…

Sometimes… sometimes it’s his smile that comes to me, the real one, not that smirk he uses when he’s being an ass, the one that I can see in his eyes. It’s… soft, and yes, sometimes the smirk is there too, but you can tell the difference when he’s teasing and when he’s being an ass, trust me. I’ve seen enough of Mal the ass…

Speaking of... Yes. I have seen him unclothed, and yes, I looked.

Please, he wanted me to.

And yes, I see him sometimes, when I close my eyes. I imagine what he feels like; I’m a Companion, how could I not? Physically I’ve had enough experience to make an educated guess, so there’s little surprise there, but…

But.

In practice… I’m not saying that it will ever happen, but if Mal and I ever were to make love... I honestly have no idea what it would feel like. I’ve thought about it, about… being with Mal…

… He undoes me.

The few times he has actually touched me, and they are rare, my own response, my body’s reaction has been… Ren ci de Fo zu, he would be spectac