Blue Sun Room FICTION - GENERAL

Gamble

Friday, April 14, 2006

Takes place post BDM. No Wash, no Book, no replacement crew members. Mal is contacted by an unknown man about a job. After they arrive on his planet some humorous and unusual events take place.

CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 3386    RATING: 8.0 (G)    SERIES: FIREFLY

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Opens on the bridge of Serenity in outer space. Zoe is at the controls, River is seated in the copilot‘s chair. River looks towards Zoe sensing her uneasiness.

River: “He doesn’t know how to handle it“.

Zoe gets a look on her face that is a mixture of concern and confusion.

Zoe: “What?”

River: “Mal, he doesn’t know what to do about Wash”. “Part of him knows he needs to get a full time pilot and another part doesn’t want to admit he’s gone”.

Zoe: “Captain’s dealt with men dying under his command before”.

River: “Not like this”.

Zoe: “If he thinks we need another pilot he’ll bring one in, until then I think we’re getting on just fine”.

Mal walks onto the bridge with a look of purpose on his face.

Mal: “Am I interrupting?”

River turns to regard the captain, a slight smile crosses Zoe’s lips as she does the same.

Zoe: “No sir, just passing the time.”

Mal: “Well no need to pass any more time. Just received a wave”.

Zoe: “Job sir?”

Mal: “Yup.”

Zoe: “Anyone we know?”

Mal: “Not rightly sure, the message was text only. Didn’t leave a name or any particulars, but we’ve never been too picky”.

Zoe: “Why do I get the feeling we’re walking into a trap.”

Mal gets that incredulous look on his face like he can’t believe she would even suggest such a thing.

Mal: “When have I ever led you astray?”

Just as Zoe is about to respond Mal cuts her off by pointing to the monitor.

Mal: “Here’s where we’re headed. Get us moving in the right direction okay?”

Again another slight smile escapes the corner of her mouth as she turns back to the controls.

Zoe: “Of course sir.”

River watches Mal intently as he leaves the bridge.

Mal heads down the main corridor into the engine room. Not with any particular purpose in mind it’s just sometimes he feels compelled to see the engine turning. He admits to himself that of late Serenity has been running as smoothly as she ever has. He pauses for a moment placing his right hand on the engine housing, then abruptly turns to

Comments
Friday, 14 April 2006 10:02
Pretty entertaining for a first shot. Dialog-per-Character was good, often hilarious. Only thing that bugged me was Jayne disobeying Mal so blatantly. After what Mal does to him at the end of Ariel, I don't see Jayne ever thinking of crossing Mal like that. Was expecting some kind of reveal that Old Bob was a trained pig -- seemed like he fell over on purpose. The narrative style kinda threw me but it works if it's script format. Otherwise, you might want to consider reworking it so its more fiction like in flow. The character tags were disjointing to me -- the whole script thing. Either go one way or the other is my advice. Most people are so well-versed in the 'Verse you don't need a lot of 'pointers' to things or people. Liked the Barch character overall -- kind of a 'nice' Niska -- quirky. All in all, it was certainly readable. Made me wanna see the next installment. Any landing you walk away from...
--MAG
Friday, 14 April 2006 11:08
Very entertaining though it seemed an elaborate set up just to establish whether or not Mal and his crew would be up to a future job Barch is planning. Being a Reader, wouldn't he know that already? Also with Old Bob, as it was River who messed up Barch's game shouldn't she have had the tussle with the pig? We all know she would have won hands down. Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me
ANONYMOUS
Friday, 14 April 2006 12:45
Not bad. A little more wordy than I usually like my fics, but it definitely has potential.

The script format was an interesting choice, but the really great thing about fanfics is that it allows you to get into a character's head. It almost makes up for the fact that you can't actually watch the motions unfold. I would invite you to take advantage of that; describe the thought and action the way you see them playing out.

But hey, what do I know? I'm just envious of the fact that you could actually write one of these.

Great imagination. I look forward to hearing the rest of the story.
ANONYMOUS
Friday, 14 April 2006 14:48
The dialogue was highly entertaining, and if the whole thing seemed slightly contrived, well, I don't think any less of it for that. You have a real gift for writing engaging banter between our BDH, and I particularly like Simon's comments.
Friday, 14 April 2006 15:42
Yes, this story was good and long, and the dialouge was near perfect for our BDH's. I am looking forward to a sequel, if you decide to post one. Nice story, this, but the format did somewhat throw me off. good story altogether, though
Friday, 14 April 2006 16:02
Very interesting. I'm looking forward to seeing this Barch's future job for the crew.

I don't usually like script format fic but this was entertaining and held my attention.

Normally prim and proper Simon getting covered in mud and dung was excellent. Kaylee can comfort him and warm him later :)
Friday, 14 April 2006 19:48
Oh god....I am still laughing from Simon facing down Old Bob:D

I honestly didn't mind the script format....made things rather clear on what was going on when. Though a bit more "fiction"-style exposition would have added an extra level of shininess to the story.

And I too wanna know what Barch has got planned....gotta be real crazy if this story is the BDHs' audition;)

BEB
SILLYLITTLEDUCK
Friday, 14 April 2006 23:16
I really enjoyed this. I liked the script/narrative of this actually, let me know who was saying what with out any ado, but still it described everything. I mean it's fanfic, does it really kill to have you're own style, as long as it's consistant, which you were.
Sunday, 16 April 2006 05:33
I appreciate all the comments so far. Didn't expect so many people to check out my little story. Even more surprised that at least one person didn't rip me a new one. I'm sure someone will get around to it eventually.

Writing this in a script-like format came very natural to me, probably because this story was playing in my head like an actual episode. Another reason I put it together in this manner is that I really enjoy stories which revolve around dialogue, especially between these characters.

I do acknowledge there could have been fleshing out of the story by including more description. The main reason for not doing this was time. I spent nearly a month on this little project. If I had gone into detailed description this thing would have grown out of control. I certainly wasn't looking to write a novel. In the end this thing ended up about three times longer than I had originally anticipated.

If anyone wants to have a more detailed discussion my Yahoo IM is singateiii.
Tuesday, 18 April 2006 03:17
how crap was this???
Tuesday, 18 April 2006 04:02
The Great: The plot is really fascinating and kept me on my toes. The scene with Simon and the pig was hilarious, and you pretty much nailed every single character perfectly. I definitely want to read more.

The not-so-great: In terms of style, this fic couldn't seem to make up its mind between being a normal third person prose work or a script. There weren't enough descriptions for prose, yet a few of the asides (e.g. Inara being unsure what age Barch is) wouldn't belong in a script. I would try and settle on one or the other as a style; as it is, the current style is a little distracting.

I look forward to the next installment.

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