What Have I Become?
Monday, March 13, 2006
Just a little River drabble using lyrics from Kelly Clarkson's "I Hate Myself For Losing You".
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 1862 RATING: 9.0 (G) SERIES: FIREFLY
I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
River's eyes opened quickly, filled immediately with some panic. That shouldn't have to happen. Those were her first thoughts every morning. She shouldn't have to be afraid right off the bat everyday. She slowly sat up on her bed, looking around her room. So blank. So void. River titled her head to the side a little, blinking quickly. Empty. Like her.
I have myself to blame
For the state I'm in today
And now dying
Doesn't seem so cruel
It was her fault. She told herself over and over. She had wanted to go to the Academy, she had strived for something more. She'd gotten somrthing alright, but not what she was looking for. River almost wished they would have killed her. That way she wouldn't have to spend her life hiding, scared, and putting innocent people she loved in harms way. How could such a good oppurtunity have came to this?
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
Always confused, always feeling so broken. Always having to see and hear things that she knew she shouldn't. Having to live thinking that all you are is a burden. She had no words to express how she felt. She didn't even know what feelings were anymore. They were just watercolor paints, running together on a empty pallet. A mess.
Dammit now I have that song stuck in my head lol. *walks away, humming it*
Interestingly enough, the title made me immediately think of Nine Inch Nails' (and subsequently, Johnny Cash's) "Hurt", which could be similarly adapted (substituting the context, of course).
"what have I become?"
"full of broken thoughts / I cannot repair"
"if I could start again / a million miles away / I would keep myself / I would find a way"
b
I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
Come to think of it, this is actually quite brilliant! The opening lines of these lyrics are highly reminiscent of the beginning of Objects in Space, where we see River lying in bed, suddenly opening her eyes, wide awake! As is the last line! (Early: "So is it still her room when it's empty?").
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Again, this reminds of River! ("I don't know what I'm saying. I never know what I'm saying."). Even the title is River!
What Have I Become?
("I function like I'm a girl. I hate it because I know it'll go away, the sun goes dark and chaos is come again. Bits. Fluids. What am I?").
And then you took these lyrics, and built such a moving River story around of it! :) You really have a wonderful manner of understanding and writing about River's vulnerability, and the things done to her, and how it affected her. Anyone who can connect to River in such a tender way, must herself be equally gentle and understanding, and feeling for people. I bet you can't not feel. :) Very beautiful, indeed! Now I'm totally sad for my River again; and I thank you for helping me connect to River even more!
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