Virtual Firefly episode 1x16 (act one)
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
"The Big Stick" (act one): This is the first episode of the Virtual Firefly project. Look for our web site in early 2006.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 5500 RATING: 8.0 (PG) SERIES: FIREFLY
EXT. HAVEN – ESTABLISHING SHOT – DAY
Haven is a mining community of no more than two hundred citizens. It’s dusty and small, but comfortable.
Haven’s MAIN STREET comes by its name largely by virtue of being Haven’s only street. It is essentially a broad concourse lined by a meandering conglomeration of dirty, LOW-ROOFED BUILDINGS.
Large pieces of MINING EQUIPMENT define the town’s borders, and multiple TUNNEL ENTRANCES hint that there’ may be a fair amount going on beneath the surface.
Serenity sits in a clearing outside the town limits.
EXT. SERENITY – DAY
The AIRLOCK RAMP is down. Bernabe and a half dozen FOLKS are there to greet Wash and Zoe as they exit.
BERNABE: Zoe! Wash!
His handshake with Wash turns into a heartfelt embrace, and then he gives Zoe a big hug. The others also offer greetings in a way that indicates that they, too, are familiar with the crew of Serenity.
ZOE: It’s good to see you, Bernabe. Been far too long.
BERNABE (kissing her hand): You’re more radiant than memory allows, Zoe.
WASH (fake-offended): Husband… Standing right here!
Bernabe laughs and gives Wash a friendly punch in the shoulder.
ZOE: What about your missus? Mildred around?
BERNABE (shaking his head): Been gone near a week. Took a supply run and blew out her engine on Beaumonde. Otherwise we wouldn’t have called on you folks. She’s got the kids with her, and is probably just this side of crazy right now.
ZOE: Kids?
WASH: As in multiple?
Bernabe smiles proudly.
BERNABE: Got us a little girl, now. Tess. I’ve got captures.
Bernabe pulls out some holographic “CAPTURES” to show to Wash and Zoe and our attention returns to:
THE RAMP
Where Jayne is strolling down, bag slung over one shoulder, VERA (his big gun) on the other. He scowls at the crowd.
Mal and Simon follow a few paces behind. As Jayne wanders away from the ship, Simon stops and turns to Mal.
SIMON: Captain, I understand River and me, but—
Jayne spits in the sand.
SIMON (cont’d): Why does he have
I love the entirety of the crew interactions, very true to the show. The plot is fascinating, too.
So, are you going to leave the poor reader dangling at the end of act 1 until January? Tsk tsk.
You can't take the sky from me
"MAL: Like I told you, Doctor, Fort Liberty’s an Alliance military outpost. After Jayne’s uncharacteristic heroics on your behalf on Ariel, could be he’s every bit as wanted."
This felt really awkward. Just shortening it to "...After Ariel, could be he's every bit as wanted." Would be a vast improvement.
"BERNABE: Remember the part where he’s a thief?
Reminds me way too much of "Remember the part where it's a trap?" Also might be nice to have Mal commenting on the fact not all thieves are bad, himself included.
The whole Inara/Kaylee conversation reads wrong from the start. The idea of Kaylee being worried about sex is an interesting one (though not one I completely buy into), but to go from near enough no relationship to Kaylee worried about sex seems incredibly rushed, and rather bizarre after their being so comfortable dancing together earlier.
Also, have you considered the implications of Inara calling Simon a boy and not a man?
For the first time this episode the dialog feels very clunky.
Despite how it may seem I really enjoyed the story here too. Fantastic potential for the rest of the episode and series too. I've not been this excited since Buffy's fanfic season 8. (which I did an episode for so was biased (though ultimatly I didn't enjoy reading!))
As does the rest. I am looking forwrod to more of this.
That being said, the whole "There are no looks! There is no vibe!" line is priceless. I'm not sure where it would go best, but keep it - it's perfect.
Final note - if all this criticism seems overharsh, please remember that anything not commented on was probably loved. (Mal/Zoe, /w Wash's background commentary. Mal/Inara arguement. Mal/Hicks/Gleason. ALL GREAT) Rated a 10. I am really enjoying the premise so far.
If anyone would prefer to have the pdfs, shoot me a message at gwek@optonline.net (I promise, the pdfs look prettier!)
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