Blue Sun Room FICTION - GENERAL

Pretty Fits

Sunday, December 18, 2005

This is my very first fic. Be kind, but honest. While out on a job things go awry, but not for who you think. (I hope to make a series out of this)

CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 3781    RATING: 9.0 (PG13)    SERIES: FIREFLY

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A/T: Disclaim a whole lot. I didn't come up with these characters and I am not making any money from them or this story.

A/N: *Edited to change St. Albans to Newhall since it justslipped right by me that St. Albans was an ice planet.

"Sweetie, don't get upset. It just takes a little patience, and...creativity on your part." Inara reached her arm to circle around Kaylee's shoulders and pull her close as they walked out of Inara's shuttle.

Kaylee sighed, "I know, Nara, I just get so tired of doin' all the work."

"Well, maybe we can find you something pretty in Newhall. A little shopping to get your mind off of the whole thing." Inara flashed a bright smile and Kaylee couldn't help but smile broadly right back.

Kaylee and Inara made their way down the catwalk and toward the kitchen.

Most everyone was already settled in their seats passing around the food. Mal at the head of the table as always, looked up at them as they entered and grinned. "Well, ladies, glad you decided to join us. Not up to any mischief I hope."

Kaylee grinned at the captain, "No, cap'n, just havin' a little girl talk."

Jayne grunted and dove into his food barely looking at anyone. Simon looked at Jayne with distaste and then looked over at River who was on his right. "How are you doing, River?"

Today hadn't been the best of days for River. Most days she was quite enough and only spouted her disjointed vernacular in small doses, but today she seemed to rant every few minutes.

"It's not associated. Parts can be parts…and whole can be whole…the whole can’t sustain without the parts…need bonding agent..” She continued to mutter inaudibly, rocking slightly back and forth, seeming to use her fingers for reference.

Simon stroked the back of her head and sighed, and Mal eyed River carefully.

“How is she, son?” Shepherd Book asked of Simon, his voice laced with concern.

“I’ve given her what I can today. She doesn’t seem to be responding to any of the medications I’ve tried. I had thought she was becoming more

Comments
Sunday, 18 December 2005 02:04
I like it. Poor Kaylee can't go anywhere dressed nice, can she?

Well done on the suspensful buildup. Who's going to come riding the rescue?
Sunday, 18 December 2005 02:35
Great Job! I can so see the scene in the engine room with Simon and Kaylee. Please continue! Yay, first fanfic!!! Can't wait to see what happens next!:):):)
Sunday, 18 December 2005 02:54
Simon just can't talk without having to do it around his toes.
Sunday, 18 December 2005 02:54
Gypsylife, it is ruttin' hard to believe this is your first venture into writing fanfic. You do it SO well! Congrats, Girlie, on getting this one done so well, so jing zi. Keep going, you hear? Cause I wanna hear it all. Give Give Give.
Sunday, 18 December 2005 03:00
Loved it loved it loved it.

It was great!! Continue.

By the way, you make someone nauseous. Nausiated is the correct term, and River said nauseous. I'm sorry if I'm picky, but she'd say the correct term.

Loved the whole thing. Can't wait to see more!!!
CUB
Sunday, 18 December 2005 03:06
Very good first effort!

I have to say straight away that your Mal and Jayne characterizations are absolutely perfect. Not much plot movement, but I'm hoping that will change when you continue the series (as you definitely should!) The piece has a good flow and pace, despite that.

As for problems, there were a few minor spelling and punctuation issues - might want to get someone to beta. Also, your narrative (not the quotes) tends to slide into and out of characters' voices. That can be a little jarring. At the same time, it produces wonderful passages like this:

"She was wearing a very fitted dress and her hair and her eyes and her…with the…and…wow."

You might consider using your (objective author's) voice for the overall narrative and then setting off specific character thoughts like the one above in italics. Or telling a whole scene from the voice/perspective of just one character.

Like I said, a good first effort. Please keep writing. And more Jayne, please. You do him so well.
ANONYMOUS
Sunday, 18 December 2005 04:21
HI its IJW! Well reading this made me miss firefly...its great but sad too for me you know?
Sunday, 18 December 2005 06:17
Oooooh! I'm loving the writing! Please continue quickly! Poor little Kaylee, Simon's such a boob!
This is your first fic? Hard to believe since you take to it so well!
ANONYMOUS
Sunday, 18 December 2005 06:21
S'me. Gypsylife. Too busy to sign in. Thanks you guys, for all the compliments and help. I'll press onwards, and upwards hopefully...lol.
Sunday, 18 December 2005 08:39
Beautiful, dahling, beautiful!

I can't wait to find out what happens next...bring it on!! Hurry! Hurry!! FASTER!! *cracks whip*
Sunday, 18 December 2005 17:40
eep! kaylee! you big bad men better leave her alone or i'll...i'll...hell, i dunno...

b
Thursday, 22 December 2005 01:48
Awww.. Poor lil' Kaylee! That was totally awesome! I love your style of writing. It flowed together very nicely, and everyone stayed in character. I'll read the other two in a little bit!

~MeiMei
ANONYMOUS
Saturday, 24 December 2005 00:30
Your characterization of the characters was damn near perfect! This is a VERY interesting story, and I can't wait to read more! ^_^!

---->Jenn
ANONYMOUS
Saturday, 24 December 2005 01:07
Very well done. My compliments. Nearly perfect; and that is meant as a compliment. Just a couple typos and misplaced quotation marks. St Albans is an interesting choice of planet. St. Albans is very cold and requires fairly heavy coats. Does that fit in with the characterization of dressing up? I can't wait for more...
Saturday, 24 December 2005 06:48
River said it best..Simon is a boob. What's gonna happen to Kaylee?! On to the next chapter...:P
Sunday, 08 January 2006 21:53
very nice, shiny infact, love the kaylee inara interaction very realistic..and jayne acting jayne like.

oh and obviusly..i loved the wash moment..she didn't say goodby...awww

this is very well written, and most enjoyable, can't wait ti read more
well done
ANONYMOUS
Monday, 09 January 2006 05:01
You have a great grasp of the characters and situations needed. I really think this is ome of the very best stuff I've read. A few minor things like grammar etc, but a beta can weed that out for you. I am most impressed with the characterisations, especially River, Mal and Jayne.

Well done.

Luc
ANONYMOUS
Monday, 09 January 2006 05:04
Thanks everyone! It only gets better from here. Well I think so anyway.
ANONYMOUS
Monday, 16 January 2006 17:33
I'd have given it a ten...except that cliffhanger was annoying. Oh...I know how fun they are to write and all...but seriously! That was evil. I demand more of this story immidently!

*realizes that it's already there*

Right then. That was great! and the mental immagry of Simon just standing there...and Kaylee in that dress and...lots of fun mental immages for me to play with for days and days!

ohhh...and River. Wow. The River stuff was great.

O.K...I'd better stop while I'm still coherent.

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