A/T: Disclaim a whole lot. I didn't come up with these characters and I am not making any money from them or this story.
A/N: *Edited to change St. Albans to Newhall since it justslipped right by me that St. Albans was an ice planet.
"Sweetie, don't get upset. It just takes a little patience, and...creativity on your part." Inara reached her arm to circle around Kaylee's shoulders and pull her close as they walked out of Inara's shuttle.
Kaylee sighed, "I know, Nara, I just get so tired of doin' all the work."
"Well, maybe we can find you something pretty in Newhall. A little shopping to get your mind off of the whole thing." Inara flashed a bright smile and Kaylee couldn't help but smile broadly right back.
Kaylee and Inara made their way down the catwalk and toward the kitchen.
Most everyone was already settled in their seats passing around the food. Mal at the head of the table as always, looked up at them as they entered and grinned. "Well, ladies, glad you decided to join us. Not up to any mischief I hope."
Kaylee grinned at the captain, "No, cap'n, just havin' a little girl talk."
Jayne grunted and dove into his food barely looking at anyone. Simon looked at Jayne with distaste and then looked over at River who was on his right. "How are you doing, River?"
Today hadn't been the best of days for River. Most days she was quite enough and only spouted her disjointed vernacular in small doses, but today she seemed to rant every few minutes.
"It's not associated. Parts can be parts…and whole can be whole…the whole can’t sustain without the parts…need bonding agent..” She continued to mutter inaudibly, rocking slightly back and forth, seeming to use her fingers for reference.
Simon stroked the back of her head and sighed, and Mal eyed River carefully.
“How is she, son?” Shepherd Book asked of Simon, his voice laced with concern.
“I’ve given her what I can today. She doesn’t seem to be responding to any of the medications I’ve tried. I had thought she was becoming more
Well done on the suspensful buildup. Who's going to come riding the rescue?
It was great!! Continue.
By the way, you make someone nauseous. Nausiated is the correct term, and River said nauseous. I'm sorry if I'm picky, but she'd say the correct term.
Loved the whole thing. Can't wait to see more!!!
I have to say straight away that your Mal and Jayne characterizations are absolutely perfect. Not much plot movement, but I'm hoping that will change when you continue the series (as you definitely should!) The piece has a good flow and pace, despite that.
As for problems, there were a few minor spelling and punctuation issues - might want to get someone to beta. Also, your narrative (not the quotes) tends to slide into and out of characters' voices. That can be a little jarring. At the same time, it produces wonderful passages like this:
"She was wearing a very fitted dress and her hair and her eyes and her…with the…and…wow."
You might consider using your (objective author's) voice for the overall narrative and then setting off specific character thoughts like the one above in italics. Or telling a whole scene from the voice/perspective of just one character.
Like I said, a good first effort. Please keep writing. And more Jayne, please. You do him so well.
This is your first fic? Hard to believe since you take to it so well!
I can't wait to find out what happens next...bring it on!! Hurry! Hurry!! FASTER!! *cracks whip*
b
~MeiMei
---->Jenn
oh and obviusly..i loved the wash moment..she didn't say goodby...awww
this is very well written, and most enjoyable, can't wait ti read more
well done
Well done.
Luc
*realizes that it's already there*
Right then. That was great! and the mental immagry of Simon just standing there...and Kaylee in that dress and...lots of fun mental immages for me to play with for days and days!
ohhh...and River. Wow. The River stuff was great.
O.K...I'd better stop while I'm still coherent.
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