Blue Sun Room FICTION - GENERAL

first fanfic

Sunday, November 6, 2005

im not much for writing at all, but the idea occured to me so i figured i'd give it a shot.

CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 3007    RATING: 8.0 (G)    SERIES: FIREFLY

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Kaylee munched a protean bar, doing her best to ignore the taste. Wash and Jayne were washing the dishes, and Simon was in the corner trying to convince River that scribbling all over Jayne’s knife blade with crayons was not the best idea in the ‘verse.

“Remind me again why we agreed to deliver goods to this backwards moon which may or may not be on the brink of war?” Jayne asked around a mouth of bread.

"Well, if you can call a few poorly organized riots a war”

“Guess it didn’t seem like such a bad idea when we were getting paid” Wash said.

“Granted, that was back when these mafia guys weren’t blowin up every ship what landed here…” Kaylee stood up and started clearing the table.

“Reckon the captain wasn’t overly concerned with bein’ caught, given that this corner of the verse aint seen alliance in years.” She said.

“Speakin o which, he ‘an Zoe should be back soon”.

The narrow brick-paved alley seemed to block out the little daylight left as Zoe and Mal made their way back to Serenity.

“You sure this was the way we came, sir? Zoe asked.

“Sure… this way… or, another…” Zoe sighed.

“Would be a pity to have a deal go as smooth as that only to get lost on the way back” she said, with just a hint of mockery in her voice.

“Hey, it was a lot lighter goin’ in. I wasn’t figuring it to get dark that fast is all”

“Yes sir.”

“I have an elaborate plan to get us back in half the time” said mal, who was getting less and less sure of the way by the minute.

“Hey! You their!” a bright light ahead momentarily blinded Zoe, and she made out the shapes of two of the local peace-keepers.

“What are you two doing in this part of town? Off-limits to civilians!”

“Terribly sorry officer… I’m not rightly sure where here is anyway… Zoe, does this look new to you?”

“Certainly does, sir. Can’t say I’ve been here before”. The two officers came closer, the points of their stun-guns leveled at Mal and Zoe.

“Well, you’d best not be here now! Come with us, we-“ The man broke of

Comments
Sunday, 06 November 2005 21:20
It'd make this easier to read if the paragraphs were split more. I.E, a new paragraph for every time a new character speaks.

Also amused by "protean bar"--they do seem to be able to mimic any kind of food, from bao to cake.

But seriously, the story idea has real promise--an underground Browncoat army still fighting...for some the war really never did end. It'll be amusing to watch Mal get into, or out of, this.
CUB
Sunday, 06 November 2005 21:23
This is a good first effort. Your thoughts are well-composed, and there are some interesting ideas here. You also have a nice feel for how to relay action and movement.

You might want to consider breaking up your graphs into bite-sized pieces. It would be a little more inviting for the reader. Above all else, I'd recommend finding someone to beta your stories and help you improve.

Keep writing!
Sunday, 06 November 2005 23:19
Interesting story and I liked the banter. Breaking up the long blocks of text would be a kindness to the reader. Keep going, you are making a great first attempt. Shiny, Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me
Sunday, 06 November 2005 23:41
Hey yo. <br> I agree that breaking up the lot into parts would be easier on the eyes. Keep up the good work!! Story fun. :) <br> <br> -HobanIWashburne
ANONYMOUS
Sunday, 06 November 2005 23:49
Ok, so you didn't write what the fic was about, figured I could check it out, but when it was all in chunks... it was so impossible to read that I gave up. Thought I'd give you a heads up though...

Air is not your enemy.
Monday, 07 November 2005 00:30
yeah, ok, duly noted, i'll break up the next one :) thanks all of you.
ANONYMOUS
Monday, 07 November 2005 01:18
There is an edit function. When you look at your own fic while logged in, it shows up in a box on the left.
Monday, 07 November 2005 01:34
there we go. thanks :)
Monday, 07 November 2005 17:52
i can appreciate how you feel chucking you baby out into the wilds of the blue sun room, seeing as how i'm also writing my first fic...an' i just wanted to say, this is good for a first effort. it's a challenge to write a series on your first go 'cause you have to think ahead and plan everything before someone else gets the same idea, but this has definitely got the makings of a good 'un. keep writing!

b
ANONYMOUS
Thursday, 10 November 2005 11:10
much better with the air :) Interessting :)

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